One Of My Teenage Journal entries...
Posted: March 28th, 2005, 7:33 pm
** I wrote this when I was about 16 or so, depressed, and having just been reinstated into Truman Middle college's program for fuck-ups and drop outs. For years, I've had a set format in which to record my progres in sex, alcohol and weight. I was desperate to move, so I tried to record the places I was. When I finally realized I was going anywhere, these turned into things like "in the bedroom", or "Dementia", "In Euphoria" etc. etc. A lot of them are similiar to journal entries I've recently entered. THis one's headline almost matches one years later in the smae month perfectly! Ironic, or just a sign that I haven't grown the fuck up? Don't laugh, and don't tell all my dirty secrets. My mama'll kill you.
Dec.18 Sex: Shit no
6something PM Weight:Have overeaten self into
In Front of TV 3 more pounds
Alcohol today: No
#times watched "My Best Friend's Wedding"- 22
#phone calls recieved today- 0
#times checked voicemail- 5
On couch wacthing "My Best Friend's Weddin"-- again. Full to burting with pasta, apples, a frozen pizza and some cookie dough. Air mattress deflated, so had to sleep on couch, where woke up and went straight to refrigerator and returned serveral times as service was great! Oh Holy Jesus, I'm miserable. Wanted to go and get maternal element something for her bday but it's too fucking cold outside and all I have is 8 bucks and a buscard (plus, she doesn't like my rock and roll and feeds me Jesus *pouts*). I give that up and I'll be broke as shit and stuck in the house again. I'm like a divorcee back home w/her mother only w/out the philandering ex-husband and the alimony. I've gotta get out of here. Not just the house but the city, the state, the country. I wish I could just steal away in the middle of the night and never look back but for some ridiculously unfair reason, life is just not that simple. One needs, above all things, the oppurtunity, education, and a locked income before making such a whimsical leap like that. Actually, all one needs is courage, and a little quick wit, but I simply don't have balls enough to follow through. Mabe it has to do with my traumatic childhood (no sega genisis, poorly inflated basketballs, and having to go to school everyday, cruel and unuasual punishment *anguished look*) or my knowledge of the fact that there's only $8.45 in my pocket w/which I can do very little. Besides that I'm underage and still under parental supervision, thus that means I'm just the owner of the company of my life w/board memebers and majority stockholders calling all the shots. In my case, there's only one board memeber, and she alos happnes to top shareholder, therefore I don't piss in a striaght line w/out her prior knowledge and word on the matter. If only I could get a job this wouldn't be such a problem and I could actually take off, you know? I don't wanna disappear forever, but I just need a break and this would've been the ideal time. But my mother's borke and I would only have heard her complain about how I was too young to go on my own anayway. Have to go wash the dishes before the top shareholder kills me, or takes away my toys *eink*. Someone help, it seems I've died and gone to prison folks, I must've missed the turn. I must go and try to learn better French in order to become calm, cultured goddess w/somehting extra to put on her resume. (Hopeless, I know as I have the attention span of a fucking fly). Am also pitiful lout who eats too much and doesn't know when to shut up. Will now immerse self in all manner of chick flik and novel after which I shall practice my French (hopeless, again I say, hopeless) and try not to let myself feel so fucking worthless.
Never the end of madness
--Kayla Scott
**"Never the endo f madness" was a little syaing I always put at the end of journal entries. Lots of stories end w/the phrase "the end", and I figured, even though it may the end of the entry, there's never an end to my own personal madness. Or more simply put... I'll never stop writing crazy shit.
Dec.18 Sex: Shit no
6something PM Weight:Have overeaten self into
In Front of TV 3 more pounds
Alcohol today: No
#times watched "My Best Friend's Wedding"- 22
#phone calls recieved today- 0
#times checked voicemail- 5
On couch wacthing "My Best Friend's Weddin"-- again. Full to burting with pasta, apples, a frozen pizza and some cookie dough. Air mattress deflated, so had to sleep on couch, where woke up and went straight to refrigerator and returned serveral times as service was great! Oh Holy Jesus, I'm miserable. Wanted to go and get maternal element something for her bday but it's too fucking cold outside and all I have is 8 bucks and a buscard (plus, she doesn't like my rock and roll and feeds me Jesus *pouts*). I give that up and I'll be broke as shit and stuck in the house again. I'm like a divorcee back home w/her mother only w/out the philandering ex-husband and the alimony. I've gotta get out of here. Not just the house but the city, the state, the country. I wish I could just steal away in the middle of the night and never look back but for some ridiculously unfair reason, life is just not that simple. One needs, above all things, the oppurtunity, education, and a locked income before making such a whimsical leap like that. Actually, all one needs is courage, and a little quick wit, but I simply don't have balls enough to follow through. Mabe it has to do with my traumatic childhood (no sega genisis, poorly inflated basketballs, and having to go to school everyday, cruel and unuasual punishment *anguished look*) or my knowledge of the fact that there's only $8.45 in my pocket w/which I can do very little. Besides that I'm underage and still under parental supervision, thus that means I'm just the owner of the company of my life w/board memebers and majority stockholders calling all the shots. In my case, there's only one board memeber, and she alos happnes to top shareholder, therefore I don't piss in a striaght line w/out her prior knowledge and word on the matter. If only I could get a job this wouldn't be such a problem and I could actually take off, you know? I don't wanna disappear forever, but I just need a break and this would've been the ideal time. But my mother's borke and I would only have heard her complain about how I was too young to go on my own anayway. Have to go wash the dishes before the top shareholder kills me, or takes away my toys *eink*. Someone help, it seems I've died and gone to prison folks, I must've missed the turn. I must go and try to learn better French in order to become calm, cultured goddess w/somehting extra to put on her resume. (Hopeless, I know as I have the attention span of a fucking fly). Am also pitiful lout who eats too much and doesn't know when to shut up. Will now immerse self in all manner of chick flik and novel after which I shall practice my French (hopeless, again I say, hopeless) and try not to let myself feel so fucking worthless.
Never the end of madness
--Kayla Scott
**"Never the endo f madness" was a little syaing I always put at the end of journal entries. Lots of stories end w/the phrase "the end", and I figured, even though it may the end of the entry, there's never an end to my own personal madness. Or more simply put... I'll never stop writing crazy shit.