#negative thoughts about self: hundreds p.2: I'll b chucked!
Posted: May 26th, 2005, 3:08 pm
**I decided to make part 2 be this morning's and yesterday's journal entries, for their comedic subject matter, but there are more BJ-esque type entries to boot. Will pick favorites and post them here when have time, and have gotten over self's freakish and obsessive behavior. Hoe you guys like this one as much as the other. I'll make the next entry "# negative thoughts about self: hundreds part 1 and a half". Enjoy!**
25th May, 2005 Sex: deprived of such
8.25a.m Weight: surplus of such
Train platform Alcohol Today: Too poor.
Ugh. Just when though would not be 15 minutes late as usual, self fucking misses train by matter of seconds and have realized that, contrary to prior belief of self's efficiency at catching buses and trains, self sucks at said task, and will again be demonstrably late. *sigh* Self may be on review today, and am afraid, as have just been on review and do not want to have to explain self's lack of punctuality again. Feel as if am going to explode if have to explain any such school-related affairs again. Plus, is second time this quarter that have been on review and could possibly screw me over. Especially is Han is presiding as opposed to hipster Irishman O’Hale. Argh, argh, argh! Okay… okay. Am going to take things lightly, and play whole thing by ear. Is no reason to hyperventilate as am going to be fine. Now if only could get horrid visions of self pushing cart on street out of head, all would be lovely.
9.25 AM Doom. Doom and desolation. Have been bombarded by teacher with threat of being dropped and now am in desperate need of cigarette to calm my nerves. Feel as if am fucked as do not have job to fall back on in time of need. What am going to have to do is submerge self’s head in water and see if can drown to put self out of misery. What am going to do? What AM GOING TO DO?! No, no. Mustn’t dwell on self’s impending doom. Must start preparing for self’s afterlife. Honestly, is not so bad. Maybe self will ascend to Buddha-like state and have inner harmony, nirvana, or similar. Wish could have some chips to settle stomach and mind, though may throw up in fear and would be embarrassing. Okay. Okay. Am really going to ignore possible educational mishaps and try to endure day. Self is full of inner poise and cannot be bothered with such. *Scoffs*
10:10 AM Oh God. Have gone mad. Have gone well and truly mad. In pre-droppage stupor, went to 2nd class while was still, demonstrably 1st class, only had been on break in between. Sat in class for TEN WHOLE MINUTES, before was told by teacher that of course was not in her 10 o’clock class and felt totally fucking embarrassed, like common idiot when had to slink out of classroom with bag and notebooks in tow. Gaah! Why? Why? Why is self so plagued with biting sense of doom? Why has self’s sense of doom driven self mad? What has self ever done to sense of doom? Have not I given it a good home and tender love and care? Do not want to turn into stark raving lunatic spinster who obsesses over sense of doom when am 50. Do not! Do not! Am completely failing at taking things lightly and have instead gone fucking slam-nuts in crashing 180-style, as if am polarized. Ugh.
11:05 AM Okay. Okay. Is not so bad. Have been punctual, and participatory in spite of impending doom. (Save for, obviously, ten minutes when had lost mind and was in wrong class.) Will now go be productive student and finish study guide in manner of wholesome, well-learned, saint-style person…until am sacked from school. Ugh! Must stop thinking this way!
1:28 PM Okay, game time. Am quivering with fear—literally. Have got no clue what fearsome teachers, professors, etc. have in store for me and am up next. Do not know what to tell them, do not know if fate will be revealed in friendly manner. Christ alive, they’ve called me.
2:43 PM Yesss! Yeeess! Am master of craft! Master! Have expertly exuded self’s mental prowess and self was not chucked from school as self had feared. # of impending senses of doom overcome by triumphant mind game victory: 1. Number of community schools not chucked from: 1. Number of superior feelings due to self’s masterful bullshit technique: hundreds! Hurrah! Am saved by self’s ability to boost own appearance in manner of dirty politician. Maybe should become one and further corrupt the government, only this time, will turn whole of senate into dirty liberals as opposed to scary right-wing conservatives. Am definitely superior mind. Definetly.
9:01 PM Train platform: Adams/Wabash. Damn! Just when though self was on right track, missed time mother wanted me home due to stupid watch of friend being on freaking hour off schedule and now is pissed at me and all sinister like. Will probably chuck me out of house after have just avoided being chucked from school. Aargh! Honestly, what is point of achieving one short-term goal if is going to be negated by lack of achieving other short-term goal? Self is fucking up all over the place and fear am hated by all, as if personality is completely repulsive. Excellent. Will spend rest of life fucking from punches and empty glass bottles being hurled at me and will probably marry evil old fart who sneers when passes by and calls me “whore-woman” because he thinks I pay more attention to the family dog than to him. Again, what am going to do with self? Gah!
26th May, 2005 Sex: meh.
2.52a.m Weight: 800lbs(weight of lingering anxiety & depression)
In bed. Alcohol Today: no.
Just got off the phone with Ritchie who chatted it up with me for about an hour. Was very sweet and only affirmed what self had always said from beginning: Love Ritchie! Is fantastic friend who is funny, and full of bubbly stories. Is marvelous having friends with whom to mouth off at ridiculous hours of morning, wasting time should probably have been using to get sleep, but worth it, as was cheered up by convo and am touched that was 1st person friend though of when he got home from little birthday party of his other friend. Told self all about it in comical, bubbly way, as always does, and was all adorable. Must say again: Love Ritchie! So when got home, mother sort of ignored me, and was afraid had given her a case of silent anger, in which case, I’d need to duck for cover, but when finally was acknowledged, Mother was calm, poised, almost friendly. Actually, did not quite know what to make of whole scene, so just retreated to computer where put new music borrowed from friend in library, and made play-lists. Withered away 2 hours doing such, and was not yelled at or murdered. Excellent. Am debating whether should go ‘head and try to doze, or if should just stay awake as is pointless to try and get 3 measly hours of sleep. Am feeling really sleepy, but sort of think maybe should just stay awake. Hmm. No. Will try and doze. Best to get as much rest as possible; have to rush up in the morning and intercept mother for a ride as seem to have lost bus card like blithering idiot self is. Ugh.
8:03 AM Front Porch. Christ, I just can’t win! Thought all would be well and could just bum a ride, or few bucks from mother but alas, could not borrow either as she did not have enough gas or any fucking money. Thought was screwed but then has epiphany when realized could call and ask aunt who is going to come and bring me some $$. But is not here, and really need to get going as am not supposed to be late again, but will if aunt does not arrive within 3 minutes and gives me not only a few $$, but ride to train as well. Argh, argh, argh! Hope have not missed her. Is already 8:07 and is not here! Must have 45 minutes to get to the college and minutes are dwindling down. Damn it, this is why self needs own car. That way, when aunts have been victim of tragic, unexplained triple homicides, rape, or similar, will still have way, and not have to present breast to some old croony guy, and go “you give ride. I show you nipple” Am hopeless, co-dependent lout who is poor and cannot do anything for self. Honestly, what is point of it all if cannot even get to fucking school? Am going to be chucked and forced to live on the street. Am going to shrivel and die from—no, no. Mustn’t dwell on returning sense of self’s impending doom. Aunt has not been murdered, and if have been, will come back to life and will be here. So what is… 8:11 and if same not here in 4 minutes will be screwed, punctual-wise. So what am—Hurrah! Am in aunt’s car now! Will no be hobo! Will not!
25th May, 2005 Sex: deprived of such
8.25a.m Weight: surplus of such
Train platform Alcohol Today: Too poor.
Ugh. Just when though would not be 15 minutes late as usual, self fucking misses train by matter of seconds and have realized that, contrary to prior belief of self's efficiency at catching buses and trains, self sucks at said task, and will again be demonstrably late. *sigh* Self may be on review today, and am afraid, as have just been on review and do not want to have to explain self's lack of punctuality again. Feel as if am going to explode if have to explain any such school-related affairs again. Plus, is second time this quarter that have been on review and could possibly screw me over. Especially is Han is presiding as opposed to hipster Irishman O’Hale. Argh, argh, argh! Okay… okay. Am going to take things lightly, and play whole thing by ear. Is no reason to hyperventilate as am going to be fine. Now if only could get horrid visions of self pushing cart on street out of head, all would be lovely.
9.25 AM Doom. Doom and desolation. Have been bombarded by teacher with threat of being dropped and now am in desperate need of cigarette to calm my nerves. Feel as if am fucked as do not have job to fall back on in time of need. What am going to have to do is submerge self’s head in water and see if can drown to put self out of misery. What am going to do? What AM GOING TO DO?! No, no. Mustn’t dwell on self’s impending doom. Must start preparing for self’s afterlife. Honestly, is not so bad. Maybe self will ascend to Buddha-like state and have inner harmony, nirvana, or similar. Wish could have some chips to settle stomach and mind, though may throw up in fear and would be embarrassing. Okay. Okay. Am really going to ignore possible educational mishaps and try to endure day. Self is full of inner poise and cannot be bothered with such. *Scoffs*
10:10 AM Oh God. Have gone mad. Have gone well and truly mad. In pre-droppage stupor, went to 2nd class while was still, demonstrably 1st class, only had been on break in between. Sat in class for TEN WHOLE MINUTES, before was told by teacher that of course was not in her 10 o’clock class and felt totally fucking embarrassed, like common idiot when had to slink out of classroom with bag and notebooks in tow. Gaah! Why? Why? Why is self so plagued with biting sense of doom? Why has self’s sense of doom driven self mad? What has self ever done to sense of doom? Have not I given it a good home and tender love and care? Do not want to turn into stark raving lunatic spinster who obsesses over sense of doom when am 50. Do not! Do not! Am completely failing at taking things lightly and have instead gone fucking slam-nuts in crashing 180-style, as if am polarized. Ugh.
11:05 AM Okay. Okay. Is not so bad. Have been punctual, and participatory in spite of impending doom. (Save for, obviously, ten minutes when had lost mind and was in wrong class.) Will now go be productive student and finish study guide in manner of wholesome, well-learned, saint-style person…until am sacked from school. Ugh! Must stop thinking this way!
1:28 PM Okay, game time. Am quivering with fear—literally. Have got no clue what fearsome teachers, professors, etc. have in store for me and am up next. Do not know what to tell them, do not know if fate will be revealed in friendly manner. Christ alive, they’ve called me.
2:43 PM Yesss! Yeeess! Am master of craft! Master! Have expertly exuded self’s mental prowess and self was not chucked from school as self had feared. # of impending senses of doom overcome by triumphant mind game victory: 1. Number of community schools not chucked from: 1. Number of superior feelings due to self’s masterful bullshit technique: hundreds! Hurrah! Am saved by self’s ability to boost own appearance in manner of dirty politician. Maybe should become one and further corrupt the government, only this time, will turn whole of senate into dirty liberals as opposed to scary right-wing conservatives. Am definitely superior mind. Definetly.
9:01 PM Train platform: Adams/Wabash. Damn! Just when though self was on right track, missed time mother wanted me home due to stupid watch of friend being on freaking hour off schedule and now is pissed at me and all sinister like. Will probably chuck me out of house after have just avoided being chucked from school. Aargh! Honestly, what is point of achieving one short-term goal if is going to be negated by lack of achieving other short-term goal? Self is fucking up all over the place and fear am hated by all, as if personality is completely repulsive. Excellent. Will spend rest of life fucking from punches and empty glass bottles being hurled at me and will probably marry evil old fart who sneers when passes by and calls me “whore-woman” because he thinks I pay more attention to the family dog than to him. Again, what am going to do with self? Gah!
26th May, 2005 Sex: meh.
2.52a.m Weight: 800lbs(weight of lingering anxiety & depression)
In bed. Alcohol Today: no.
Just got off the phone with Ritchie who chatted it up with me for about an hour. Was very sweet and only affirmed what self had always said from beginning: Love Ritchie! Is fantastic friend who is funny, and full of bubbly stories. Is marvelous having friends with whom to mouth off at ridiculous hours of morning, wasting time should probably have been using to get sleep, but worth it, as was cheered up by convo and am touched that was 1st person friend though of when he got home from little birthday party of his other friend. Told self all about it in comical, bubbly way, as always does, and was all adorable. Must say again: Love Ritchie! So when got home, mother sort of ignored me, and was afraid had given her a case of silent anger, in which case, I’d need to duck for cover, but when finally was acknowledged, Mother was calm, poised, almost friendly. Actually, did not quite know what to make of whole scene, so just retreated to computer where put new music borrowed from friend in library, and made play-lists. Withered away 2 hours doing such, and was not yelled at or murdered. Excellent. Am debating whether should go ‘head and try to doze, or if should just stay awake as is pointless to try and get 3 measly hours of sleep. Am feeling really sleepy, but sort of think maybe should just stay awake. Hmm. No. Will try and doze. Best to get as much rest as possible; have to rush up in the morning and intercept mother for a ride as seem to have lost bus card like blithering idiot self is. Ugh.
8:03 AM Front Porch. Christ, I just can’t win! Thought all would be well and could just bum a ride, or few bucks from mother but alas, could not borrow either as she did not have enough gas or any fucking money. Thought was screwed but then has epiphany when realized could call and ask aunt who is going to come and bring me some $$. But is not here, and really need to get going as am not supposed to be late again, but will if aunt does not arrive within 3 minutes and gives me not only a few $$, but ride to train as well. Argh, argh, argh! Hope have not missed her. Is already 8:07 and is not here! Must have 45 minutes to get to the college and minutes are dwindling down. Damn it, this is why self needs own car. That way, when aunts have been victim of tragic, unexplained triple homicides, rape, or similar, will still have way, and not have to present breast to some old croony guy, and go “you give ride. I show you nipple” Am hopeless, co-dependent lout who is poor and cannot do anything for self. Honestly, what is point of it all if cannot even get to fucking school? Am going to be chucked and forced to live on the street. Am going to shrivel and die from—no, no. Mustn’t dwell on returning sense of self’s impending doom. Aunt has not been murdered, and if have been, will come back to life and will be here. So what is… 8:11 and if same not here in 4 minutes will be screwed, punctual-wise. So what am—Hurrah! Am in aunt’s car now! Will no be hobo! Will not!