Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

O wan, o corpse-pale thought of having loved once;
bloated with exaggeration,
bruised with falsely held resuscitation hopes
(sweet ‘maybe yes’ imaginative dreams):

it’s not as love has died,
but rather trust
of recognizing with a cognate heart
the mutuality respect adores is love

my thought uneven so deplores when thinking
you were truly loved
and party to my soul.
O that entrenching just for true respect—and that for love,

it seems in meditative truth,
renewing gropes respect for love itself
(perhaps amused at any less)—
let me be so removed.

or

O wan, o corpse-pale thought of having loved
once; bloated with exaggeration, bruised
with falsely held resuscitation hopes
(sweet ‘maybe yes’ imaginative dreams):
it’s not as love has died, but rather trust
of recognizing with a cognate heart
the mutuality respect adores
is love my thought uneven so deplores
when thinking you were truly loved and party
to my soul. O that entrenching just
for true respect—and that for love, it seems
in meditative truth, renewing gropes
respect for love itself (perhaps amused
at any less)—let me be so removed.

[Not sure which layout fits better here. I wrote it first as a chiastic sonnet (the second layout here), but thought I'd toy around with the presentation to see if I could strenghten it in other ways...any suggestions?]

Hi joel.... In my opinion, #2 works best.

The line breaks work better as well as making the poem one stanza, rather than several. I don't think there's a need for the stanza breaks in your first "layout." I think of stanza breaks as breaths -- breaks in the reading. This work is best without them.

I've written and studied a couple of types of sonnets before, but I'm not familiar with the chiastic sonnet. I can see, though, why the structure for the second was the standard.

This is absolutely lovely work. You work well in the more structured styles.

It flows off the tongue. Sweet. Sentimental, yes, and with a style reminiscent of the Romantic era .... Clearly well-crafted. The beats, meter, cadence... all well done... I love it!

Just one thought.... Without using "ing" words, this piece could be stronger, but I know you didn't ask for critique. I also know you work on your pieces and like the input of your peers. Of course, if the chiastic sonnet has rules about syllables or stresses per line, if you removed the "ing" words, it would take a little more reworking to make the beats work.

If you are looking for critique, we've created a new forum called "Interpretation" which you might be interested in.


So glad you joined us here!

Doreen--

Thanks for the critique...I'm always up for it!

As for chiastic sonnet...ok...moment of truth...I made it up. But that's because I think it works better for me: gives me some borders to work between and some poetic context, but still plenty of room to play with. Holds the same 14 line iambic pentameter, but with a ABCDEFGGFEDCBA rhyme scheme. Roughly the half introduces a situation; somewhere around the GG couplet is the hinge where the main point is laid out; the rest is dealing with the situation from the point of view around the couplet. Blah blah blah...I know you didn't ask for an explanation...but I figured you called my bluff, so I might as well be honest.

Anyhow, again, thanks for the critique. I agree that it works better as a single stanza. Here's an attempt at de-inging it...:

O wan, o corpse-pale thought that I had loved
once. Bloated with exaggeration, bruised
with falsely held resuscitation hopes
(sweet ‘maybe yes’ imaginative dreams);
it’s not as love has died, but rather trust
of recognition with a cognate heart:
the mutuality respect adores
is love my thought uneven so deplores
as thought presents you truly loved and party
to my soul. O that which holds out just
for true respect—and that for love, it seems
in meditative truth, through newness gropes
respect for love itself (perhaps amused
at any less)—let me be so removed.

I have read more poetry in the last five years then I have in the previous sixty. And I still don't know jacksh**t about it. Beutiful poems, not sure which I like best, they both seem to work pretty good for me. Touched me like this bit from Dialogue Between Ghost And Priest. makes me think of the love of a a ghost

'In life, love gnawed my skin
To this white bone;
What love did then, love does now:
Gnaws me through'

I appologize for the ramble, just meant to say
Bravo

good poem, but I think 2 works better too-it just seems more easy to read--better flow--and i know shit about poetry, but that is my two cents...

losing the INGs really did work... it made the piece much better, in my opinion.

pretty funny that you made up the name of the sonnet style

i'm laughing