The Wisdom Of Broken Dick (short story)

[iblieve]

This story incorporates southern euphemism created from the dark but humorous, and sometimes downright naughty, mind of iblieve. It takes place somewhere in the south around 1969 and I am turning it into a novel when time permits.


The Wisdom Of Broken Dick

In the south they have a saying for everything. If the sun was shining, and it sprinkled, the devil was beaten his wife, or God was crying. As a young boy this got me to thinking God might not be crying, so I’d run to the house incase he’d decided to take a leak. Never knew what God’s piss might do to a little boy.

I once knew a man they all called Broken Dick, and as I got older I became real curious as to why they called them that when his real name was Henry. So one day I asked him, “Why they call you Broken Dick, is it broken?” Being twelve, I figured this might be the reason he wasn’t married.

His face turned red and he spat out one of them southern euphemisms that to this day makes no goddamn sense. “You can beat a dead horse, boy, but all ya gonna get is cum on ya hands. Don’t be asking things that ain’t none of ya business.”

I pondered hard about why they called him Broken Dick, it seemed to be working quite well from all the times I seen him coming from the Widow Ezypiece’s house.

One day we was walking home from the general store with an R C Cola and a moon pie, after fixin’ my Uncle’s fence. As we walked by Widow Ezypiece’s house she came to the front door, leaned out with her tits floppin’ around like two sheets a blowin’ in the wind. “Hey Broken Dick, when ya get time, come here. I’s got a busted pipe that needs fixin’. Now this made little sense because she didn’t have in-door plumbing.

What he said next made even less sense, but as I grew older I kind a figure this one out. “You can lead a blind horse to water ifn’ you grab him by the dick.” After saying this, he lit out for the Widow’s house like a rooster chasing a hen.

Broken Dick was full of wisdom in a humorous sort of way. He once asked a man who was having problems with his wife, “Now, tell me why’s a woman on the rag different from used toilet paper?”

The man scratched his head and said, “I dun’t no, B. D. You tell me.”

Oh Broken Dick leaned back, grinned, and said, “After three days you can use the woman agin’ so give her time to settle down and then go back home. She’s a good woman cept for those three days a month.”

He was once told to get a job, and asked why he just sat around, did odd jobs, and never tried to make a decent living? You guessed it another Broken Dick euphemism that made no sense to anyone but him. In a serious tone, he spat out, “Now if you feed a horse enough hay he’ll shit you a house, but would you want to live in it.” In the same conversation this man pissed ol’ Broken Dick off, and he told him, “I think you need to go home and shave your ass cause you got a wild hair stuck up it some where, and don’t need to be telling me how to live my life.

Now old Broken Dick loved to tell tall tales, he was braggin’ with the boys one day and was telling them, “You know the old sayin’ you wave a red flag at a bull and he’ll charge ya, well I was standin’ in a field one day and Ol’ Mr. Turner’s big Brahma bull, ya all knows him, the big mean un. Well I was out there and had to take a piss. When that bull seen the size of my dick he snorted three times, turned as red as a poker in hell and came chargin’ at me. I tell you nothing makes a bull madder than to come out second place in a pissin’ contest. Why the bull didn’t even try aftern’ he seen my dick. shit who could blame him.”

This must have been what attracted the widow Ezpiece, I thought to myself

Late one afternoon broken Dick and I had just finished fixin’ the fence for Ma when the widow called out to him. “Hey you got time to come in and help me out.”

Not now wida, I’m plumb wore out. Been workin’ out in the heat the last hour.

Widow Ezypiece told him that if he was half a man he’d come in and help her fix the pipes, Now from my recollection this was the third time that day.

Broken Dick looked at her and ask “Widow what do ya get when you ride a mule with a hard dick?

Widow looked all fluster before answering, “ I have no idea, and don’t use that kind of language in front of that there boy.”

“He’s heard worse. Ya get a plowed field ifn’ you ride him where the work is. Now I ride you so damn much you ought ta have bed sores by now.

The widow didn’t offer a reply, throwing her head back, and huffing off.

Broken Dick said with a smile, as he jumped the fence to her house, “If the pussy fits wear it.”

I was beginning to wonder if he wasn’t going to wear it out the way they’d been going at it all day.

The years passed, Broken Dick and the Widow Ezypiece kept up their relationship, though they never did get married. In 1974, when I was about sixteen, Broken Dick had a heart attack whilst fixing the plumbing in the widow’s bedroom. They said he had the damnest smile you’d ever seen when they carried him out.

I remember the eulogy Preacher Jenkins gave all about what a fair and honest man he was, and this was the truth. The funny part bout the sermon was, he never referred to him as Broken Dick, but called him Henry. When it came to the next of kin there were none since his mom and dad had died years before. Then the preacher explained that the lord had never blessed him with children because of a bicycle accident he’d had as a young man. In that instant, the name Broken Dick became a nasty words that soured my tongue. Southern people can be so damn mean sometimes, but Henry never complained. I guess he was just too damn nice.

Old Broken Dick did influence me and to this day I am bad about making up my own little sayings or euphemism, like this one.

Ifn' you kiss a horse's ass enough time it'll eventually shit on ya.

iblieve

[stilltrucking]

Nice work
.
Had a friend a beutiful woman sang like an angel, smart, she worked as a cashier in truck stop that had hillbilly Caricatures on the place mats and menues, all kinds of cutesy misspellings. She hated it.

Ifn' you kiss a horse's ass enough time it'll eventually shit on ya.

you said a mouthful there.

reminds me of how the country boys at the feed mill I worked in used to make fun of my city boy ignorance. "Is that horse stump broke?" I learned to stop asking what they were talking about

[iblieve]

Lmao, some things are better left alone and thanks for reading my humble attempt to write a serious southern accent ifn' there is such a thing, lol. Keep trucking and may it all be down open toll free highways. "C"

[stilltrucking]

I don't know for sure if I understand you. I hate to ask stupid questins

attempt to write a serious southern accent ifn' there is such a thing

Stereotypes are easy. Don't know how a great writer like you would have trouble with stereotypes.

I myself think the piece would have been better with a Yiddish accent, or maybe A black man.

no idea what Lmao means

yep
"always live them laughing when you go"
The Joni Mitchell school of Ebonics

[iblieve]

First off I was being funny and was really trying to use the venacular to create a depth to my characters, which obviously didn't work,lol.
Secondly LMAO, means Laughing My Ass Off as in laughing with you about the is that horse stump broke comment, lol. See I am from the deep south, hell southern arkansas almost on mississippi Louisianna border. So this is an attempt to capture that lost way of speaking which is what is was and a life style that was so damn simple that I miss it at times. Anyway hope that clears up the confusion and thanks for reading me, I love to be read. but hell you knew that and if ya want come to DARc and kick the shit if your lucky someone might be in the chat room.

http://akashanetweb.com/darc/index.php
later brother

[stilltrucking]

my lucky someone
I am just a stick in the mud in doreen's garden, I feel pretty lucky to be here. I guess eventualy we will get these two different strings tied together, on the one hand we were talking about mark twain and my southern birth and how I had to wince, I am so defensive about red necked southern fuk your sister jokes, and even though I love the simpsons the joke is wearing thin there to, just read a quote from HST, yes more red necks, I am so happy to hear your laughter, I am so unhip it is a wonder my buns don't fall off, I feel like rose roseanna dana.

Never mind.

Yeah it was well done, glad I remembered to say that

[iblieve]

Speaking of sister jokes being from arkansas and being an only child I never got any growing up, had to move to the city cause none of my neighbors would share their sisters, lmao. J/K.

If we can't laugh we'd might as well die. Oh know the difference tween a texan and a bag of shit???





the bag.

lmao, ps I hope you're not from texas. now you know why I had to leave texas, no one liked my jokes.

[stilltrucking]

What is the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?
no way I am going to tell that joke unless you are member of some white supremicist group.

How about this one
What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

No wait
How about did you hear about the guy who caught H.A.G.S.
You hear the best jokes in slaughter houses

Did you hear about the truck driver who put odar eaters in his shoes.

Jokes are so interesting (funny too)

A third way into the unconscious is jokes, which Freud says are always indicative of repressed wishes. He discusses this route to the unconscious in Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious.

http://www.colorado.edu/English/ENGL201 ... freud.html

Ship of fools on a cruel sea, ship of fools sail away from me.
It was later than I thought when I first believed you,
Now I cannot share your laughter, ship of fools.

The unibombers manifesto was also about a ship of fools headed straight for an ice berg the cabin boy tries to warn everyone, but everyone is to busy bickering with each other. Interesting, too bad Ted lost his mind,

I hardly see billectric anymore a pal from litkicks who was always telling me stop making sense.

Somebody should have told old Ted K that, don't need no more mad bombers throwing death, we need some laughs, send in the clowns


Yeah if I could not laugh about it I would cry

Ok this one will have to do.
Have you heard what is making headlines?
Cordoroy pillow cases.

Bitter laughter and gallows humor better than none at all,

[iblieve]

Yes in this old world take a laugh when I can get it, thanks for the conversation my friend. "C"

[Axanderdeath]

Good. i can see it being a Novel--a Feature film actually, you could get euen McGregor to play broken dick, he comes to mind because of the performance in ‘Big Fish’—I don’t know about the rest---you and that fellow Ezpiece—you’ll could have some more getting in ta trouble an all?—I’d like to see a scene when you all get in some kind of trouble in the big city and broken got to save you—some how incorporating his oddly shaped penis that seems to satisfied women soo much,.

[iblieve]

LMAO yea eazypiece is a widow woman, horny at that, but ya love the other suggestions. thanks for the read my frioend. "C"

[Axanderdeath]

LMAO yea eazypiece is a widow woman, horny at that, but ya love the other suggestions. thanks for the read my frioend. "C"

did you not hang out with her son and fix fences with im?

[iblieve]

I see it is always one in every crowd, you're suttle slam is not appreciated and if you did this at my site you'd be history. Most writers are looking for affirmation of their writing skills not some ignorant remark with no merit, speaks to your intelligence I assume and luckily I need no affirmation of my writing.


iblieve

[Axanderdeath]

I see it is always one in every crowd, you're suttle slam is not appreciated and if you did this at my site you'd be history. Most writers are looking for affirmation of their writing skills not some ignorant remark with no merit, speaks to your intelligence I assume and luckily I need no affirmation of my writing.


iblieve

I have no idea what you are talking about a slam--what the im? I forgot to put on the h--that is all.
I seem to remeber that in your story and I like your story--don't read in to things things that are not real.

[Axanderdeath]

one more thing man I looked over it and I was wrong I guess that was not in the story--and even if I was slaming you, so fucking what? You are not above a slam every now and then... niether and I, and I get them more than you--so fuck it and that was a stupid thing to write, I meant no fucking!!! harm man--but now you pissed me off!!! fuck you..