shadow answer

[Doreen Peri]

i am shadow lax fallen memory,
fond of lying prone on surfaces
trod on by suspicious treks,
barefoot mock clocks stride me wide,
sand kick followed,
slick tricked stepped.

darkened doorway, trade me 3D
present a flatline mistake
dead dread taken by
innuendo feline calls,
silent wind squalls,
gasps

blatent gamble traps,
tight eclipse, vast
tempts, rash witnesses,
ability stretched
dark crevices vexed
with move into
smooth borderline
attempts, vagrant,
pierced, occupied

stand in a fierce eclipse.
wisp a nighttide ride of shadow
hollowed by my name swallowed
whole –

i stole an
unfolded scarf
from the lips of my tongue

i licked a white
yearn mourning.

midstream river wake
white crime on a
come into me dime.
your call.

no shadow
answer.

[Doreen Peri]

ok... help... which version came first and which is better and why? i need help... (but you knew that, dintchya? )

seriously.....

here's the other one.... why does the first one work for you if it does and how? why does the second one (this one) work for you and if it does, how?

why do neither of these make any sense to you and you can't identify with them?

_________________

i am the fallen shadow of lax memory,
fond of lying prone over surfaces
trod on by suspicious treks of bare feet
which mock me with strides so wide
i do not know when i am sand kicked
or followed.

do not step on me.

darkened doorway, traded by 3D
presence for a flatline, i am mistaken
for dead, taken by the innuendos
of feline sex calls as if my gasp
were silent wind.

do not step on me.

i am the blatent gamble, the desire
of chordless melody, the tight
image of a moon eclipse.
i tempt resistence by taking
the stand to witness the inability
of windblasts which attempt
to tempt and stretch my edge.

i will not move.
do not step on me.

i am a dark wet crevice
you want to move into, smooth –
the borderline you attempt to conquer,
lubed with fanatic vagrancy.
i occupy the grand space
you wish you could pierce.

do not stand in my
fierce eclipse.

i am the wisp of nighttide,
the ride of negative light.
come inside of me.
do not follow.
let me swallow
you whole –
unfold the scarf
from my lips so my tongue
can lick the white yearn
of the mourning.

do not step on me.

i am the craving of
a tight rhyme, midstream
on a river wave.
come into me.
i will save your
ruptured cloud
by soaking
it up. i am
the shadow
answer.

[judih]

the first is more subtle - the second more political
i like the first better

j

[Doreen Peri]

political? geesh... wish i knew what you mean

what about the music? to me, the words are music..

the first one has unheard beats in your head,

the second has beats more spelled out with half

and quarter and three quarter rhythms...

i like the second one for vocal rendition but i'm lost

as to which one's better poetically and why....

it's the same poem differently twice

.......

thanks, judih

why is what i
want to know

[Doreen Peri]

but
maybe
why doesn't
matter

[judih]

more political in the sense that you're spelling it out
you're saying "do not treat me as victim" - you're a mouthpiece, no denying, for a condition needing revision.

The vocalization works in both for me. Since i've heard your voice, i use it to read your work. The second is more dramatic, more audience focused. That's the politics part - where the message is dramatized to make social change

j

[wylde]

i will jus say. yummy. an leave it that...

[Doreen Peri]

thank you, mr. worsdmith

as you know, i'm wylde about your writing, so a yummy from you helps me today

[e_dog]

the second one made more sense (though perhaps because i had been primed by reading already the first version) in part because it spelled things out more in terms of directives and action-scenes. it was also much more erotic, and those portions were worth saving in their own right though i am not sure they fit thematically with what judih is calling the political 'don't tread on me' aspects.

though i actually was more intrigued by the first one, precisely because it did not make sense. i like poetry that hangs within, and moves, the border between nonsense and sense, so the fact that the first one was much much more subtle and had word combinations that piled too many images conflicting in close proximity made it a more challenging and thought provoking, somewhat better, poem.