Affirmation of the Lamented

[izeveryboyin]

Subject: the late Missy Warren; July, 1986
Monday, 3pm
(Subject is doing "Affirmation Excercise" to clear mind.)
Last Session



"I guess, in a roundaboutway, I knew why I did it. I mean,
that didn't justify it, but, I had a reason... ya know? I
mean, the kids, I could've thought about them... all hell, I
was thinking about them. But I dunno, it just sorta
happened. I mean, emotions, you know? It's a funny
thing. IT'll make you do things.. feel things... I guess, I
guess I'll have to tell him... write him a note or
something. But he'll be so damn mad. He's always mad,
you know, about everything. Always cussing about the
mess the kids make... about the dogshit on the carpet,
about his dinner on the table. I was just so fucking sick of
his shit, doc. I remember, when we first got married, 'bout
eight years ago, he used to take me places. We never had
no money, see, we was always poor, but every place that
was free you know, we'd be there. At the beach, and the
park, we'd even sneak into the drive-in, and then catch a
burger or something at Mcdonald's. We used to take train
rides to nowhere, to anywhere, to everywhere. He used to
trainhop with me. We even hitchhiked together. We had
so much fun... so in love.
Then, we had jr, and everthing went to hell. He got laid
off, so I had to take to waitressin' at some
good-for-nothin restaurant, just so's we could eat for free
and pay the bills, you know. He was at home with the
baby, and I was at work. I hated it. Then this guy in a
sharp suit come to the house. My husband's mama sent
him by. The guy told my husband he could take to sellin'
cars, and so he did, and I quit my job, to take care of the
baby, and to nurture the one I had on the way. I was
pregnant again. But anyway, I never saw him, and in
between the space of the last four years, we managed to
have another child. And by this time, I was sick of just
babies, and cleanin', and cookin', so I went out to find
some company. That's when my husband friend come over
for a visit. Money was slippin', and we needed it bad. My
husband's friend had a lot of it. I went to his place, left
the kids with his mother, and we had some intimate
moments. (laughs) a run-in, if ya will. boy it was great.
But then, little by little, I found out that I was fallin' in
love with him. He was the only damned man in my life
really anyway, all I ever saw of my husband was the back
of his head. So now, I've gotta go tell him. Go tell him I'm
leaving him for good, but I don't wanna do it face to face.
I'm too afraid of what he'll do. I don't want the kids to
see me walkin out on them."

Tape Ends.