Poor sad lonely board with no posts now has a post! hurrah!Apple Genesis
In the beginning there was nothing.
Nothing except Newton, Newton was tired of being the only one around so he created the Big Apple, a huge city where he planted an Delicious tree.which bore fruit. On the seventh day, Newton moved into a condo on George Washington Street, I cannot tell a lie.
It was there where he decided to create a companion by the name of William Tell. Tell was a freedom fighter and when he realized that he had been created by Newton, he didn't want the responsibility of being Newton's companion. So William Tell asked Newton to create him a son. And so Newton did. And the three of them lived quite happily for a short period of time hanging out in the Village. Newton declared himself President of the Big Apple even though there were no elections.
Unfortunately, the Village was boring because there were only three of them, so Newton decided to create a woman by the name of Eve. Eve became very friendly with the three of them. When she wasn't serving them drinks at the pub, she was writing poetry that made their heart skip a beat. Thus the term "Beat Poetry" was invented.
The problem was, Eve was getting a little irritated because Newton and William made her wait on both of them hand and foot. She wanted some free time and some more interesting companionship. Newton was happy to leave her alone to do the laundry on occasion but William Tell stuck to her like glue. Plus his son annoyed her by asking her to repeatedly solve math questions for him. She didn't like math much but she was very good at it. She could add and knew that there were only four of them in the Village and less in the entire Big Apple which was essentially a ghost town at the time.
Eve had no privacy. So, since she was the First Lady, she took it upon herself to make strong suggestions to President Newton. "If you don't ask William to get rid of his son, I'm leaving you," she told him. So, of course, Newton came up with an ingenious plan. He created a bow and and arrow and told William to go out and practice target shooting.
There was one big tree in the middle of what was at the time termed Times Square because the tree bore fruit like clockwork every spring. President Newton called William Tell to a meeting underneath the tree. Newton was a conniving fellow. He invited William to come kiss his son goodbye, claiming that Tell's son was being ousted from the city. This incident went down in history as the "Kiss and Tell" incident. It was a hallmark event.
When the three showed up, President Newton, William Tell and William Tell's son who didn't have a name, Newton gave Tell the bow and arrow he had created and plucked a fruit from the vine, placing it on the son's head. He instructed the son to lean against the trunk of the tree and told his father, "See now? I told you that you had better practice target shooting. If you want your son to stay in the kingdom, you will have to shoot the fruit."
"Wait!" Will hollered! "My son is NOT a fruit!" Tell called Newton a snake. "There is gravity in this situation," he proclaimed. "I refuse to draw the bow!" Newton said, "You are both rotten apples and I want you to leave this place immediately. This town is not big enough for the three of us."
William Tell became irritated. He took his son and ran away fast to the Presidential palace where he huffed and puffed and blew the place down. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing.
This didn't bother President Newton one bit. He simply took Eve with him and moved into another vacant condo because rent control hadn't been innitiated yet and he could afford it with the fortune he planned on making in the applesauce business.
As you know, this was prior to Adam's arrival which came shortly afterward. Adam was created by William Tell's son because his son needed a companion. The son wasn't snow white when it came to virtues like sticking to women. This was because there was only one woman in the kingdom and she was the First Lady and unavailable.
When Adam was created, he was a beautiful figure of a man. An Adonis of sorts. William Tell's son fell in love with him and together, they immediately formed an alliance to legalize the marriage between apple juice and crab apples. This alliance didn't sit very well with President Newton and First Lady, Eve.
So, they decided they needed to hire a lawyer. President Newton created someone to help. "Here's Johnny!", he said and on the 15th day, he introduced Johnny Appleseed, Attorney at Law. Newton and Eve and Johnny met at 2PM on the 17th day on the 25th floor of a high rise building in the Big Apple. I am sorry but I am unable to disclose the exact location at the advice of my counselors.
Johnny wore a stew pot on his head. He was an odd fellow. Johnny couldn't go it alone. He wasn't enough of a McMann.This would be a tough case. So Johnny created a team of attorneys to help him with the case. He endearingly named them the Apple Dumplings and went forward with a clever TV and radio campaign to support President Newton's ruling tactics and admonish the possibility of a marriage between apple juice and crab apples, as was presented to the court by William Tell's son who didn't have a name and his good buddy, Adam, who he had created himself.
It would be applicable for me to mention that Eve was again getting frustrated with not being high on the agenda of attention. She complained to President Newton who totally ignored her. Eve decided that she herself would create a female friend who she could talk to in times of trouble. And so she did. She created Fiona Apple who sang to her at night and helped her install new applications on her Macintosh computer.
Johnny Appleseed organized the case applephetically. It wasn't the easiest case he had ever handled. In fact, it was his first. But his team of experts rose to the occasion. They wore platform shoes to the trial to appear to be in a higher court than all the others in the courtroom. This is how the expression "Apple Cobbler" came to be.
Fiona Apple was appointed judge and jury by President Newton himself. She wasn't the First Lady, but she was the first lady judge in the land. Appleseed buttered her up good. The trial was undoubtedly the most intense drama the kingdom had ever witnessed. Appleseed wore his dappled-grey suit. Tell showed up in a wheel chair pretending to be a parapplegic.
At the corps of the testimony, William Tell's unnamed son swore on the stand that President Newton had forced him to make little green apples out of molehills. One bad apple, as you know, always spoils the bunch and so it was this time as it always is. Fiona was furious. She refused to allow the case to be taken to the appelate court.
"Yes, you've spelled out your opinion and I realize A is for Apple but this is no way to testify! You are sentenced to an apple a day", she said. "You have lied to me and I am judge and jury, as you well know. You will not be allowed to make a mockery of this court. This time, I will let you free but you must leave the kingdom by the 20th day, as ordered by President Newton."
And so as not to upset the apple cart, Fiona dismissed the case and since we are all descendents of William Tell's son, that's why we were forever banished from the land of Nod.
And there you have it.
