cancer, broken bones, and depression...

[Axanderdeath]

Monday:
I ve not slept. Stayed up last night reading the last of Glue which was kind of cheesy. Irvine Welsch values friendship—I think that is a Scottish thing.

Drank more beer this weekend hence the not sleeping. Feeling okay right now. But once I leave I will not be having a good time. The blurry bus ride “they all know and can see I am hung over!” then in to work. Not that that is hard. Frustrating though. I try to get them sold quick, but some times they are insistent on telling me things about their lives. Things I do not want to know:

Death of a son
How hard its been
Cancer
Broken bones
Depression
Strife
Struggle

I comfort them.

“oh? But you are lucky I called!” I tap the desk, leaning in over so the customer can hear it on the phone. The grey patricians at my sides. “Mam, hey your lucky! Hold on a moment let me see on my computer…” I have no computer. “I just need a moment to bring something up…” I press hold on the phone and go and make coffee , take a piss, and have a smoke. I keep them on hold a good half an hour.

How smug of me. I am a sad case my self right now. 25 and done about nothing worth while in my life.

I got a place. The land lord is a strange man, has a voice—no a speech impediment I think. The kind of speech impediment that it sounds like a child speaking through the voice of an old man. “the immigrants” he tells me knowingly—like a child that knows something about fuzzy bear. “see, they do not understand what it is all about, not like you and I…” he goes on a racist rant for a while. UI seem to be meeting no one but racist in Montreal. But at least, do to the fact I am white he gave me the p[lace with no credit checks.

Feb 12th 2007 9:30 AM

As I sat on the bus to work I was looking quite mad I am sure, and that is because I was. On the verge of yelling. Breathe deep. I was worried about panic attacks. Hyper ventilations, passing out, and maybe stroke, but because I am a shit head nothing happened and I got a smoke from the Russian along de massonove when I got of the bus. The drunk buying the phone card in front of me was annoying. He looked slowly at me, then to the store keeper then to the card he bought, then to me—FUCK! People are so fucking stunned in their own fucking lives some times—their own worlds.

I got in to work and Farouk and Charles and Lettie were in—the boss comes in around 2 o’clock usually. After a weekend of drinking I was not looking forward to the day. But I just kept thinking ‘this anxiety shit is all in my head anyway" and got a coffee and rolled up my selves—sat at my desk and started a not very productive day of swindling.

I got one sale all day. Which was due to bad leads. Desmond (the boss)said he was getting new one—but I suspect that they are the same leads in a different format. I was sure these people had already been sold—that they were the same batch of suckers I was selling something else last year, that were sold yet another shity product 6 months ago while I was away.

My parents are getting feed up of giving me money. It is good in a way, but horrible in others. I like free money.

A new anti-warmth has come over me. Shity and depressing but also interestingly grotesque and surreal—a blur of grey madness. Like the joy that shoots through me during the viewing of a good-bad zombie movie.


This morning on the bus I stopped my self from looking at cute chicks.

Ever sit alone at a party and stare into the night and hope that some one is going to come out and say hello and be just the hot girl you wanted to come out? The person that usually comes out is the guy that always acts friendly and bums a smoke after a couple generalities. I have been that person. It is very transparent.

Ever see a person on a bus. Envision what this person would be like, talk like, the sound of their voice, go up and speak to them and they are nothing like you envisioned? Ever do that and keep talking anyway. Trying to teach them to be like you envisioned them?

Ever swindle a old lady out of her social insurance check on the telephone?

I hope people have done these things, expect the SI check one. That make a person quite evil and sad.

No action. Waiting. Always waiting. Playing poker on my cell phone. Think about what I should of said in conversations, plan to start new ones and say what I wanted. A transition period is about to begin for me.



GP

[Andeh]

I like the "trying to teach them to be like you envisioned them" It's interesting.

[Arcadia]

"A new anti-warmth has come over me. Shity and depressing but also interestingly grotesque and surreal—a blur of grey madness. Like the joy that shoots through me during the viewing of a good-bad zombie movie. ": I really like that! . And the poker thing with the cell phone.

[Axanderdeath]

thanks to you both

1st it is useless to try to change someone--and the never turn out to be what you thought they were in the first place--2nd zoombie movies are a highly unrespected genre and are important to human social developement. (example) in one zoombie movies all the zoombies all gathered around the local shoping mall, and some living people had to raid all the stores to survie and fend offthe zoombies--that ofcourse wanted to eattheir brains--some great symbolism their--even though some what flawed...3rdly I like a zoombia have gotten a cell phone and play poker on it--not for money--just to wast time...

thanks for reading--it is part of a bigger story--which does have mention of JET PHONES a new technology that everyone one is after, including the Vadican!

GP

[Axanderdeath]

like to be seen...

[Lightning Rod]

I think you are finding your voice, geoff
and I luv the speling

[Axanderdeath]

I think you are finding your voice, geoff
and I luv the speling

I thought the spelling was better in that one. I spell checked it atleast...
so LR thank you--you harddly ever comment.

it is frustarting to allways have to write in note books and trr\anscribe--i have lots of note book but no computer--i can not afford a computer. internet cafe's are loud with the "GAMERS" they give me head aches...

thanks--read it up!!!

GP