Gay Noir

[Lightning Rod]

We performed this piece in last Summer's Cabaradio Show
here is a video of it:

http://studioeight.tv/events/cabaradio_ ... oir_dp.mov
and here is the script:

GAY NOIR
(an homage to Garrision Keillor and early radio)

by Lightning Rod, Barry Gremillion and doreen peri



Announcer – (Theme music)
A dark night in the city that doesn't know how to keep its secrets. But on the
12th floor of the YMCA building, one man is trying to find the answers to
life's penetrating questions...... Gay Noir, Private Eye..... the eye that never
blinks. [MUSIC FADE – GAY NOIR THEME]IR THEME]

(SFX – PHONE RING)

Gay – Gay Noir here.

Girl – Is this Gay Noir, the Private Eye?

Gay – Well yes, but I prefer to call myself a Public Dick. I don't want to sound like I am in the closet. What can I do for you?

Girl – I need to discuss a matter of great importance! And I need to speak to you in total confidence and as soon as possible!

Gay – Ok, look, I have an appointment to get my back waxed and I should be done by 4 o'clock. Why don't you meet me at the Brokeback Bar on Avenue 69 at 4:15?

Girl – Fine. I'll be there. I'll be holding a red rose.

Gay – You'll fit right in.

____________________________
SCENE #2


(SFX – Duct tape being ripped – slowly)

Gay – Ouch!! Say, man, could you do that a little faster?

Max the Waxer – I thought you guys liked pain.

Gay – What do you mean by 'you guys?'

Max – You know. Detectives. You're Gay Noir, right?

Gay – Yes, that would be me.

(SFX –RiP)

Gay – Yoooowchhhh!

Max – They call me Max the Waxer. I thought you guys were tough, held your hands over candles like G. Gordon Liddy and all that macho stuff.

Gay – Well, I suppose some of us are. But I do undercover work. Gotta be more sensitive, I guess.

Max – Just between you and me, Mr Noir, I hear stories. I know a lot about the... ins and outs around here.

Gay – Come again?

Max – I wax some very important people in this town. If you're a waxer
on Capitol Hill, you get a lotta inside information. You know .... inside the
thighs, inside the armpits. We’re talkin’ inside information. Don't even get me started on the Brazilian. If you knew some of the things I know, they might want to do ya! They might blow you away!
This stuff could leave a bad taste in your mouth! You might not be able to
swallow it.

Gay – Go ahead. Tell me. I can take it no matter how big it is!

Max – No...no... You could end up 6 inches under. You've got a hard job. You're a dick. I wouldn't want you to end up being a stiff dick! ...... By the way, I liked the way you solved that Pink Poodle case last year.

Gay – Ah yes, the Pink Poodle case – poor little poodle. You know she is in the Smithsonian now. It's amazing what they are doing with taxidermy these days.

Max – And I loved the way you took on the Cock Ring!

Gay – Yes, that was a nasty bunch! West Virginia. Cock fights. I was working for PETA... the animal rights people. So, give me the 411, Max.

(SFX –RIP)

Max – Well, I have this client who is a senator. He was talking to me while I waxed his eyebrows and he said that he thought that gays should have the right to get married. This is a democracy, after all. Everybody should have an equal opportunity to be miserable. But he couldn't vote that way because of what his constituents might think....elections coming up and all.

(SFX –RIP)

So, he had to stay in the closet.

(SFX –RIP)

Gay – Ouch!!

Max – You OK?

Gay – Yeah. Fine. No skin off my back. What was this senator's name?

Max--That's confidential. He had the Brazilian.

______________________

SCENE #3

(SFX –Ambient bar noise)

Gay – I arrived early at the Brokeback Bar down on Avenue 69. Max the Waxer had finally gotten his rhythm down and my shoulders were smooth as a baby's fanny. Happy Hour had just started. Only at the Brokeback, they call it Gay Hour. Antoine, the bartender, was so queer that if you asked him to make change for a nine dollar bill he would give you back three threes.

Antoine – Your usual, Mr. Noir?

Gay – Yes, Antoine, a Virgitini with a goat cheese and herb-stuffed olive, shaken not stirred.

(SFX –Ice, a drink shaker)

Antoine – Here you go Mr. Noir.

Gay – Thank you , Antoine. (SFX –takes a sip) Ah, this is perfect. (SFX –takes another sip) This is so good that I think I'm going to take you down to Cox's and buy you a Seersucker suit.

Antoine – I would rather you took me to Sears and bought me a Cocksucker suit. Did you see the news today, Mr. Noir?

Gay – No, I've been waxing.

Antoine – The Gay Marriage Amendment is up for a vote in the Senate and they are one vote away from passing it.

Gay – Is this the Pro-Gay Marriage Amendment, Antoine, or the Anti- Gay Marriage Amendment?

Antoine – They call it the Protection of Marriage Amendment. The one that says that marriage should be only between a man and a woman.

Gay – Well, that's just nonsense! How many people do you know that are married to their JOBS? Or married to their cell phones or their cars or their televisions, or their Game Boys, or their ipods? And nuns. What are you going to do about nuns? They're married to the Church aren't they? And how about the fundamentalist Mormons and Muslims who think that marriage is between a man and a woman....and a woman......and a woman? What are these people thinking?

Antoine – I don't know what they're thinking, Mr. Noir, but if Senator Tryst votes for the Protection of Marriage Amendment, Reggie and I will have to move to another country .......... like California. (SFX –Suspense chord)

(suspense chord)

Gay – And then SHE walked in (SFX –sleazy sax and high heels) holding a single red rose. She was wearing a short black skirt that was so tight I could read the Lewinski label on her thong. And..(SFX –suspense chord).... she had an Adam's apple. Just like Ann Coulter. In fact... it may have BEEN Ann Coulter.

Girl – Good evening. Mr. Noir? And just why do they call you GAY?

Gay – Because my whole name is Gaylord Noiredesqueu but that was too long for my custom-embroidered hankees...so, rather than getting larger hankees, I shortened the name. And you are?

Girl – Just think of me as a friend of "The Cause."

Gay – What cause are you talking about, Ms ..'Friendly?'

Girl – The Protection of Marriage Amendment.

Gay – Yes, I've heard of it.

Girl – Well, I have this friend.

Gay – Friend?

Girl– Yes, a friend in the Senate, Senator Tryst. We....... we... well we..ummm... meet... from time to time.

Gay – Do you know if he gets his eyebrows waxed?

Girl – Yes, as a matter of fact, he does. And he also gets the Brazilian.

Gay—TMI, sweetheart. Too much information.

Girl—Sorry. But you asked.

Gay— [ahem.. clears throat]. OK. Now. What did you want to talk about?

Girl—Mr. Noir. What I’m trying to tell you is… Senator Tryst is the swing vote on the Protection of Marriage Amendment..

Gay – That would be the swinger vote.

Girl – Yes. That's what I'm trying to tell you.....(suspense chord)....he swings both ways.

Gay – You mean between Republican and Democrat?

Girl – No, Mr. Noir (SFX – suspense chord)... I mean between homo and hetero.

Gay – What are you trying to tell me?

Girl – Well... I know a certain...[clears throat] ...person .... who meets with Senator Tryst on a weekly basis at the Watergate Hotel.

Gay – Is any of this recorded?

Girl – No, but I have a suitcase full of blue dresses and a box of used cigars and a waxing strip with the word 'Brazilian' on it.

Gay –Hair samples. That's forensic evidence. I think I can help you out here, Ms Friendly. Let me make a phone call.

___________________________

SCENE #4

(SFX – phone rings)

Tryst – Yaaaalllow., this is Senator Tryst.

Gay – Gaylord Noir here, Senator.

Tryst – Yes, yes, Mr. Noir. What can I help you with, sir? Oh, and I'm glad you called because I wanted to tell you how much I admired the way you handled the Cock Ring case!

Gay – Well, it was a matter of conviction, Mr. Senator. I never could abide standing by and doing nothing while someone's choking the chicken.

Tryst – I know, I feel exactly the same way.

Gay – That brings me to the subject of this call, Senator ..... the Protection of Marriage Amendment.

Tryst – Yes? What about it? It comes up for a vote today.

Gay – And you are the swinging vote?

Tryst – Yes. That's correct.

Gay – Senator, one of my confidential informants has provided me with a suitcase full of blue dresses, a box of used cigars and your credit card bills from the Watergate Hotel. I would be perfectly happy to turn these items over to you if you vote NO on the Protection of Marriage Amendment.

Tryst –are you trying to pressure me, Mr. Noir?

Gay –Does 'Brazilian" ring a bell with you?

Tryst – Ah....Er.... Ummm... Yes, Mr. Noir, Thank you for your call. I'll take this under advisement.

(organ gliss)


Gay – And we all know what happened – The Protection of Marriage Amendment failed by only one vote and I carved another notch on my gun barrel.

Gay – And that's the way things are in my hometown, the city that can't keep its secrets, Washington DC ....
Where all the lobbyists are strong and all the politicians are beautiful and the pay is WAAAAY above average.

(Theme Out)