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Cover Charge
for release 05-07-06
Washington D.C.
Lrod's Solutions to the Immigration Problem:
Annex Mexico. Or perhaps I should say annex the rest of Mexico. We have already annexed half of it. Until the mid nineteenth century the states of Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, Utah, Nevada, Colorado and some of Wyoming were part of Mexico. The United States took the land in the Mexican-American War. So, let's just take the rest of it. It would be a much more profitable invasion than the one in Iraq. The country has oil. With just a little magic marker we could change Pemex to Exxon.
Plus there is no sectarian violence in Mexico. They are mostly Catholic, which is kinda-sorta like Christianity.
And the invasion would be a festive affair. The peasants would undoubtedly meet us at the border with margaritas. As part of our post-war pacification The Corps of Engineers could erect a Taco Bell at every milestone from Laredo to Mexico City. Call it the Via del Burrito. You know, win the hearts and minds of the people.
Oh wait, we have already won the hearts and the minds of the Mexican people. That's why there are twelve million of them here illegally.
The Poet's Eye sees only one sensible solution to our illegal immigration problem--A Cover Charge and a two drink minimum.
We need bouncers, thousands of them burly and buzz-cut standing shoulder to shoulder at the Mexican border, not to keep anyone out, but to collect admission. We simply charge for citizenship. Everything else in America is for sale, our ports, our airwaves, our legislators, our manufacturing jobs, why not citizenship?
A Cover Charge and a two drink minimum. The cover charge is a year's wages, no matter if you work at the Mickey D's or in construction or in the fields or if you are a brain surgeon. The cover charge is one year's wages and your first male child. He will be conscripted into the military for four years.
Then there is the two drink minimum. You have to (1.) learn English and (2.)watch American Idol. That shouldn't be too much to ask, it's what we have always asked of our immigrants--learn the language and participate in the culture.
Last week the Mexican government blew the best chance they had to curb the immigration problem. They were poised to de-criminalize small amounts of drugs, but President Vincente Fox of Mexico decided not to sign the bill that would liberalize Mexico's drug laws to permit personal use. One can only imagine the phone conversation between Mexico City and Washington:
Bush: V'cintay?
Fox: Si, Mr. President.
Bush: Didju learn the Star Spangled Banner yet?....hehe
Fox: Not yet, but Julio Inglesias is going to come and teach it to me. And how ees the family?
Bush: That's why I'm calling, V'cintay. Laura is a little upset. And I'm upset. You see, we have two girls, twins. They are young and stupid. And now we hear that you are about to sign a law that will legalize small amounts of dope in your country, cocaine and heroin and grass and speed, you know, all the good stuff.
Fox: Yes, Mr. President, we think it will help in our enforcement effort. Plus it will be good for tourism.
Bush: I'm sure it would, V'cintay, but remember when we were in Cancun over spring break? I know we shared a few lines when we were talking about grand things like globalization and your sinsy was pretty good too, but we are seasoned world leaders, we can handle that sort of thing. What about those kids on the beach, the ones that were buzzing on Bicardi and Jose Cuervo?
Fox: Their money spends just like any other.
Bush: Yes, but they are young and stupid. They might buy a couple of pounds of pie-oatee and have some kinda religious experience that Jerry Falwell wouldn't even understand, and that might eat into my base, savvy?
Fox: But if we waste our resources making petty busts, we will soon be in the shape that you are in with 2 million of our citizens behind bars.
Bush: Don't make me get tough on this, V'cintay. You already have twelve million of your folks on the sofa circuit in my country. And this IS my country. Don't forget that. I'm the Decider. So, scotch this dope law.
Fox: Si, El Presidente.
****
The Poet's Eye sees that there is also a real solution to our immigration problem, and it's not by watching Lou Dobbs. We amend CAFTA and NAFTA to include not only duty-free trade between the countries of North and Central America but also a universal minimum wage of $20 per hour.
IN THE MORNING YOU GO GUNNING
FOR THE MAN WHO STOLE YOUR WATER
THEN YOU FIGHT TILL HE IS DYING
BUT THEY CATCH YOU AT THE BORDER
AND THE MOURNERS ARE ALL SINGING
AS THEY DRAG YOU BY YOUR FEET
BUT THE HANGMAN ISN'T HANGING
AND THEY PUT YOU ON THE STREET
YOU GO BACK, JACK, DO IT AGAIN
WHEELS TURNING ROUND AND ROUND
YOU GO BACK, JACK, DO IT AGAIN
---Steely Dan
