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Jocularity Strap
for release 06-24-06
Washington D.C.
OK, this is going to be one of Lightning Rod's sexist columns. So, get ready for it.
Yes, I'm a sexist. I think that women are superior to men in almost every way. They are generally more receptive, perceptive, strong, resilient, smart and practical.
They have several deficits though. You know, the usual suspects, upper body strength, the inability to tell a wrench from a screw-driver and, oh yeah, a challenged sense of humor. Women don't understand the Principle of the Jocularity Strap.
Even a more dangerous place than Iraq or Afghanistan or Darfur is Comedy Land. It's no place for pansies. Have you noticed that there are very few women comedians compared to men? This is because in most cultures, women are spared the risks of combat. It's the Principle of The Jocularity Strap. Only men appreciate the nuances of the Joc Strap.
Anatomy Lesson: There are certain, shall we call them, appendages, that the male of the species displays on the outside of the body. Men are more exposed. This is the reason that when engaged in strenuous activities, males often want to wear a Joc Strap. It goes with locker-room culture. Locker-rooms are where men learn the skill of humor. It's crude humor, to be sure. Jokes about body parts. Popping of towels and snapping of Joc Straps. It's where we men learn that humor is cruel and dangerous. Humor is serious business. Women don't know this. They think that humor is cute and cuddly and amusing and nice. Humor isn't nice.
Back to the Jocularity Strap. The Joc Strap is a symbol of manhood. It wasn't long after I got my first Joc Strap in seventh grade gym class, before one of my classmates popped the strap across my ass. It's Humor 101. Very basic. Slapstick is comedy in its most juvenile form. It's the second lowest rung on the ladder of laughs, just above the pun. Slapstick is pie-in-the-face humor usually at the expense of some hapless victim. It's funny to watch, but not so funny if you are the one who slips on the banana peel or has his Jocularity Strap popped. Men learn at an early age that while humor is fun, it's not always nice.
Women can be cute and witty and good humored, but they are totally unprepared for real comedy because they didn't wear the Jocularity Strap. Oh yes, women can fake humor, just like they can fake an orgasm. They can giggle and moan at the right places, they can blush and demure. But in the end, they don't have a clue about the Jocularity Strap. If comedy doesn't sting, then it ain't comedy.
Don't get me wrong. I think women can be very funny. But have you noticed that the best women comedians have balls, like Joan Rivers or Judy Tenuta? Or they were at least lesbians? Rosie O'Donnell has probably worn a Jocularity Strap and Ellen DeGeneres too. But these are exceptions. Most women just don't comprehend the true meaning of the Jocularity Strap. If you are going to pop someone's Joc Strap there are several factors involved:
There is guile. You have to sneak up on the victim. If he sees the joke coming, the cause is lost.
There is tension. You have to pull the strap tight enough to get a good pop.
There is Risk or Danger. This is the critical part. When you have somebody by the Jocularity Strap, you literally have them by the balls. You are putting pressure on the things that they hold dearest-- beliefs, illusions, prejudices or anything else that can be upset by a pop on the ass.
The Poet's Eye sees that when you step outside the Green Zone in the Land of Humor, you had best wear body armor. The most effective body armor is a Jocularity Strap-- the ability to make a fool of yourself. It's a basic principle of clowning. If you can't take ridicule, then don't quit your day job.
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you're with them, you're always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
Why can't a woman be like you?
One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there's one with slight defects;
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvelous sex!
Why can't a woman behave like a man?
Men are so friendly, good natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?
Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
Why can't a woman be like us?
--Lerner & Loewe
...if I had balls 
and popping...
