Illegally Blonde (Do They Really Have More Fun?)
Ann Coulter and The Ditzy Chicks
for release 06-13-06
Washington D.C.
I've been watching television lately. It's part of my homework. How can I comment on the mindless blather of our culture unless I know what the mindless blather is? The confluence of stories about Blondes in the News has been fascinating to me.
All over the cable wasteland I find babbling blondes or grey headed pundits talking about babbling blondes. The two most recent Babbling Blondes are Natalie Maines (lead singer of the Ditzy Chicks) and Ann Coulter. (unless you count Glenn Beck as a blonde).
Both of these 'blondes' are making the same blonde blunder. They are losing the support of their fan bases. This often happens when we are mixing show business with politics. Coulter is offending even the most black hearted conservatives with her strident and insensitive rhetoric and Maines is biting the hand that feeds her by alienating the flag-waving country music crowd. But country music is really not country music anymore, no more than blondes are really blondes.
These seem to be the burning questions: Are the 9-11 wives bigger opportunists than Ann Coulter and Is George Bush really a Texan? Could he secretly be a blonde? Why don't we have blonde and brunette states instead of red and blue states? What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence.
I was raised as a blonde. Well, it wasn't platinum blonde like Ann Coulter or Natalie Maines, it was what they called 'dishwater blonde.' But even dishwater blondes can be clueless, so I was a Young Republican. My hair is graying now. I've got better sense. Call me an ex-blonde.
I don't think Ann Coulter is really a blonde. I'll bet that the hair around her balls is darker. Besides, she is too smart to be a blonde. Or, at least, she is smart enough to know that controversy sells books. Just like Natalie Maines knows that it sells records.
It's called the Banned in Boston Principle. It's a time-honored publishing technique. If you can generate controversy, you can sell copies. Mel Gibson is almost a blonde, he knew this when he made The Passion of The Christ. And Scorsese knew it when he promoted The Last Temptation. The DaVinci Code got publicity that money can't buy by being controversial.
If Ann Coulter is really so incensed about the wives of 9-11 victims using their grief to make political statements and publicly declare their opposition to the war, she should check out her buddy John Walsh. He has built his whole petit Nazi broadcasting career on his public grief over the abduction and murder of his son. He's been enjoying it all the way to the bank for years now.
And hey, Ann, why not take a pot shot at Jackie Onasis as well. She obviously enjoyed the death of her husband and used her public grief and sympathy to marry an even richer man than Kennedy. What a disgrace. At least Jackie had the sense to be a brunette.
Oh, and while you're at it, Ann, take a look in the mirror. (no, I don't mean the dark roots) If you are so insulted by these women who use their losses to achieve political awareness, what about you using your slanderous, shrill and stupid public remarks to sell books? It smacks of the pot calling the kettle brunette.
The Poet's Eye wants to see people as individuals, not as blondes and brunettes. I like The Ditzy Chicks. I think they are fine musicians. But they should stick to music and not wade into waters over their blonde heads. My opinion of Coulter is well known. I wouldn't fuck her with Tom DeLay's dick, and I certainly wouldn't put it in that nasty hole she calls a mouth. Get some more peroxide, Ann.
There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer
but diamonds are a girl's best friend.
There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer
thinks you're awful nice
but get that ice or else no dice.
He's your guy when stocks are high
but beware when they start to descend,
It's then that those louses go back to their spouses
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
--Jule Styne, Leo Robin from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
