Double Jeopardy
for release 01-12-06
Washington D.C.
I had a chilling dream last night. George Bush and Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton were contestants on Jeopardy.
In my dream, The Double Jeopardy Round was about to begin.
Trebek: As you can see, all the amounts have been doubled, so let's find out how our players do in these categories: It's The Economy, Stupid. The Dust 'bin," notice that 'bin' is in quotation marks. Death and Taxes, He Said, She Said. It's The Environment, Stupid. And finally, Stupid Presidential Mistakes
Mr. President, you have control of the board.
Bush: Thanks, Alex. I'm not too good on the environment, so let's try "The Dust "bin" fer four hundred.
Trebek: Here's the clue. The leader of the world's foremost terrorist organization.
(Bush rings in and then stands there with a dumb stare like he's waiting for the answer on his iPod.)
Bush: I'm sorry Alex, I'm drawing a blank here. Maybe I rang in early. I can't remember the guy's name.
Cheney rings in: Who is Osama bin Forgotten?
Trebek: The judges say we'll accept that, Mr. Vice-President. You're in charge.
Cheney: Let's go with "Death and Taxes" for 600.
Trebek: Here's the clue: He said, " In this world nothing can be
said to be certain, except death and taxes."
Cheney rings in: Who is Alan Greenspan?
Buzzer
Clinton rings in: Who is Benjamin Franklin?
Trebek: Correct. Next clue Mr. President.
Clinton: Let's have "Stupid Presidential Mistakes" for a thousand, Alex.
Trebek: The clue is: He hired a bunch of thugs to break in to the Democratic National Headquarters and then lied about it and had himself taped.
Clinton rings in. Who is Richard Nixon?
Trebek: Correct, you are now in the lead.
Clinton: "Stupid Presidential Mistakes" for 1400.
Trebek: He shot his wad all over a White House intern's blue dress and didn't have the sense to pick up her cleaning bill.
(Clinton turns slightly red, but not like Red State red.)
Cheney rings in: Who is Jack Kennedy?
Trebek: Incorrect
Bush rings in: Are you talking about my dad?
Trebek: Sorry, Mr. President.
Mr. Clinton, you gave the last correct answer, you choose.
Clinton (looking relieved): Let's go with "Stupid Presidential Mistakes" for 2000, Alex.
Trebek: And the clue: He Invaded Iraq.
Bush rings in: Who is George Bush 41? but he didn't finish the job.
Trebek: No, Mr. President, you lose 2000 in political capital and that puts you in the red.
Mr. Clinton, you gave the last correct answer.
Clinton: Let's go to "It's The Economy, Stupid" for a thousand.
Brrrrrrinnng
Trebek: It's one of the Daily Doubles. Your wager?
Clinton: Let's make it a true daily double, Alex. And throw in Hillary too.
Trebek: Alright, you're betting everything on the economy. Here's the clue: What you have when you tax the poor and reward the rich and spend money like there's no tomorrow on useless wars and corporate giveaways.
Clinton: What is a Republican administration?
Trebek: Correct. You are in the lead and Hillary has been re-elected.
Clinton: Ok Alex, I'll try "It's The Environment, Stupid" for 2000.
Trebek: And the clue: The colorful name for what you get when you burn obscene amounts of oil and release CO2 in massive volumes into the atmosphere.
Bush rings in: What are more campaign contributions?
Trebek: No.
Cheney rings in: What are higher corporate profits?
Trebek: No
Clinton rings in: What is the greenhouse effect?
Trebek: Right. There is one minute left in Double Jeopardy.
Clinton: Alex, I don't think I'd better touch "He Said, She Said". so I'll go for "It's The Envionment, Stupid" for 2000.
Trebek: Ok, here's the clue: This is the cozy name that we use to describe what is happening to our planet as a result of rampant emissions from SUV's.
Bush rings in: What isThe Kyoto Agreement?
Trebek: Sorry, Mr. President, you didn't sign that.
Cheney rings in: What are more corporate profits?
Trebek: Sorry, only in the short-run.
Clinton rings in: What is global warming?
Trebek: Correct. And that's the end of the Double Jeopardy round. We will be back with Final Jeopardy in a moment and the answer will be in this category: Presidential Candidates
(commercial break)
Trebek: And now the Final Jeopardy answer in the category, Presidential Candidates: He or she is the front-runner in the 2008 elections.
(music plays--da da dum, da da da da dum, da da dum da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da, dum da dum da dum dum dum)
Trebek: Let's see how our contestants responded. President Bush, you wrote down: President Clinton's wife. I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Your waged the rest of your political capital.
President Clinton, you wrote, President Bush's brother. Close, but no cigar. And you wagered your chance to be First Husband.
Vice-President Cheney, you wrote down? It doesn't matter, my peeps will go to the bank no matter who is elected. And that is the correct answer. You bet nothing and that makes you the new Jeopardy champion. We'll see you back tomorrow unless your pacemaker runs out of batteries.
I woke up in a sweat.
to sleep--
To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
---Shakespeare, Hamlet