Jocularity Strap

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Lightning Rod
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Jocularity Strap

Post by Lightning Rod » June 24th, 2006, 11:23 am

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Jocularity Strap
for release 06-24-06
Washington D.C.

OK, this is going to be one of Lightning Rod's sexist columns. So, get ready for it.

Yes, I'm a sexist. I think that women are superior to men in almost every way. They are generally more receptive, perceptive, strong, resilient, smart and practical.

They have several deficits though. You know, the usual suspects, upper body strength, the inability to tell a wrench from a screw-driver and, oh yeah, a challenged sense of humor. Women don't understand the Principle of the Jocularity Strap.

Even a more dangerous place than Iraq or Afghanistan or Darfur is Comedy Land. It's no place for pansies. Have you noticed that there are very few women comedians compared to men? This is because in most cultures, women are spared the risks of combat. It's the Principle of The Jocularity Strap. Only men appreciate the nuances of the Joc Strap.

Anatomy Lesson: There are certain, shall we call them, appendages, that the male of the species displays on the outside of the body. Men are more exposed. This is the reason that when engaged in strenuous activities, males often want to wear a Joc Strap. It goes with locker-room culture. Locker-rooms are where men learn the skill of humor. It's crude humor, to be sure. Jokes about body parts. Popping of towels and snapping of Joc Straps. It's where we men learn that humor is cruel and dangerous. Humor is serious business. Women don't know this. They think that humor is cute and cuddly and amusing and nice. Humor isn't nice.

Back to the Jocularity Strap. The Joc Strap is a symbol of manhood. It wasn't long after I got my first Joc Strap in seventh grade gym class, before one of my classmates popped the strap across my ass. It's Humor 101. Very basic. Slapstick is comedy in its most juvenile form. It's the second lowest rung on the ladder of laughs, just above the pun. Slapstick is pie-in-the-face humor usually at the expense of some hapless victim. It's funny to watch, but not so funny if you are the one who slips on the banana peel or has his Jocularity Strap popped. Men learn at an early age that while humor is fun, it's not always nice.

Women can be cute and witty and good humored, but they are totally unprepared for real comedy because they didn't wear the Jocularity Strap. Oh yes, women can fake humor, just like they can fake an orgasm. They can giggle and moan at the right places, they can blush and demure. But in the end, they don't have a clue about the Jocularity Strap. If comedy doesn't sting, then it ain't comedy.

Don't get me wrong. I think women can be very funny. But have you noticed that the best women comedians have balls, like Joan Rivers or Judy Tenuta? Or they were at least lesbians? Rosie O'Donnell has probably worn a Jocularity Strap and Ellen DeGeneres too. But these are exceptions. Most women just don't comprehend the true meaning of the Jocularity Strap. If you are going to pop someone's Joc Strap there are several factors involved:

There is guile. You have to sneak up on the victim. If he sees the joke coming, the cause is lost.
There is tension. You have to pull the strap tight enough to get a good pop.
There is Risk or Danger. This is the critical part. When you have somebody by the Jocularity Strap, you literally have them by the balls. You are putting pressure on the things that they hold dearest-- beliefs, illusions, prejudices or anything else that can be upset by a pop on the ass.

The Poet's Eye sees that when you step outside the Green Zone in the Land of Humor, you had best wear body armor. The most effective body armor is a Jocularity Strap-- the ability to make a fool of yourself. It's a basic principle of clowning. If you can't take ridicule, then don't quit your day job.

Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you're with them, you're always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
Why can't a woman be like you?

One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there's one with slight defects;
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvelous sex!

Why can't a woman behave like a man?
Men are so friendly, good natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?
Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
Why can't a woman be like us?
--Lerner & Loewe
"These words don't make me a poet, these Eyes make me a poet."

The Poet's Eye

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mousey1
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Post by mousey1 » June 24th, 2006, 11:38 am

Oh ho ho ho ho and a hearty har har...

you really popped my strap with this one

a real ball zinger :roll: ...if I had balls :shock:

and

thank the Lord Jesus it ain't political...to much of a degree...unless you consider the man and woman sex thing politico.

a great humourous read, a great way to start my day

bring on the jocularity strap I've a yen to pop something!

as she wanders off :lol: and popping...
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Now my head twitches and I drool alot. Anonymouse

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Lightning Rod
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Post by Lightning Rod » June 24th, 2006, 11:44 am

thank you, your mousiness

I make an exception for you in the humor dept.

PoP!
"These words don't make me a poet, these Eyes make me a poet."

The Poet's Eye

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Doreen Peri
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Post by Doreen Peri » June 24th, 2006, 12:14 pm

I guess you're right.

I got to the line that said "a challenged sense of humor" and stopped reading. And that line was in the 3rd paragraph.

I just couldn't figure where you could go with a statement like that which could make it funny and I didn't think that was funny.

Unlike mousey1, I didn't find it humorous, I found it humorless. And sexist. But then again, as I said, I didn't read it. :shock: :lol:

Reminds me of all those male-bashing jokes I don't find funny either.

What can I say? I'm female. I have a challenged sense of humor.

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Doreen Peri
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Post by Doreen Peri » June 24th, 2006, 12:38 pm

OK. I read the whole thing now. It was pretty darn funny, actually. Surprised me, given my sexual status, that I could laugh like that.

But I have one question... you said...
There are certain, shall we call them, appendages, that the male of the species displays on the outside of the body.
Appendages???? They have more than ONE? Wow! I've been missing out, I guess. Sounds a little bizarre but might be fun!

:roll:

:P

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Dave The Dov
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Post by Dave The Dov » June 24th, 2006, 12:56 pm

Let's see what Margaret Cho has to say about this!!!!
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iblieve
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Post by iblieve » June 24th, 2006, 2:37 pm

I think women have a sense of humor but it is different from men. Women will kiss and love you to death sharing their most private parts with you and when your finished and in ego heaven the macho hormones overflowing thinking you are God's gift to women they can say, “Oh by the way, I think its time we moved on your jock strap just isn’t big enough.” Then they grin and walk away knowing that joke is worse than any jock strap popping. One of many examples of women's humor that can de-nut any man.

I think you style of writing is always exceptional, your wit second to none.

I know this is off subject but I heard on MSNBC yesterday that Kinky Freidman made it on the Texas Governor's ballet, it is official he's a candidate. Go Kinky.
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mnaz
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Post by mnaz » June 25th, 2006, 2:16 am

"Challenged"?.... Or different? The world may never know for sure....

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firsty
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Post by firsty » June 26th, 2006, 11:15 am

it's true. women arent as funny as men.

however, i just finished the final chapter of one of the "oz" sequels by baum (not very good, btw) to my kids, and there is a character called the highly magnified woggle-bug. he is a little bug, but he is highly magnified because, after hiding in a classroom, he was inadvertantly projected onto the chalkboard by the teacher, and he escaped while highly magnified. anyway, he declared that the pun is the highest form of humor. and since shakespeare was so fond of the pun, i cant put it at the bottom of the humor pile.

other than that, i agree with everything in the column. the metaphor was perfect. pelerine has been in comedy clubs for years and years, and she will be the first one to tell you that women simply arent as funny as men.

p.s. my son started playing soccer a few months ago. he's only five, but when he found out that male athletes wear jocks and cups, he insisted we buy him a jock and a cup. he may have been the only kid out there wearing a jockstrap on the field, but he was protecting his boys, and that aint no joke.
and knowing i'm so eager to fight cant make letting me in any easier.

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Post by izeveryboyin » June 27th, 2006, 7:38 pm

Lrod... as is custom... of course I have a rebuttal.

Would you like to know where women first discover humor? In the bathroom, on the toilet, when there is blood streaming from her vagina. For surely were it not for humor, we'd have offed ourselves right then and there b/c the misery that was to ensue month after month would simply be unbearable. Or perhaps in bed the first time when he shoots his load into you body, heaving and panting in splendid delirum and you're worndering when the sting is going to go away so can watch Lifetime without having to change positions 40 times on the couch. Perhaps it is learned when the little boy in 7th grade asks for your number and then takes Sarah so and so to the Halloween dance instead. We learn humor from watching men mutter angrily about how there has been a loss of the woman's subservient role, and begging on hands and knees that just once she'd be home in time to have dinner waiting on the table so that afterward she can rub your putrid feet. I find that the longer I stood in the line at the grocery store with cans of Spaghetti-Os and boxes of Twinkies after yet another fuckwit failed realtionship, the more humorous I become. I just can't seem to stop laughing at myself. Doubt not that women know much about humor... perhaps more than they are willing to admit. But in all seriousness, Lrod... I do so love a fart joke.

--k
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firsty
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Post by firsty » June 27th, 2006, 11:21 pm

wa.
and knowing i'm so eager to fight cant make letting me in any easier.

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Post by stilltrucking » June 28th, 2006, 4:45 am

Do you know the difference between a regular fart and an electric fart?
An electric fart has juice behind it.

“Red blood on white panties, don’t ya hate it when that happens.”(Illuminara on litkicks). Now there was a classy dame. She could talk about bodily secretions with such style.


My sister has an excellent sense of humor. She thought
Memoirs of an Ex Prom Queen
by Alix Kates Shulman was very good. I thought so too.


It comes to mind cause her mother never prepared for what was coming. I think her mother thought she would have another couple years to tell her about it. So she is sitting in the bathtub and the water turns red. She was one terrified kid.
Appendages???? They have more than ONE? Wow! I've been missing out, I guess. Sounds a little bizarre but might be fun!

Yes some men do have more than one appendage. I have a second one under my sombrero. I think with it all the time. Wasn’t there a famous writer called Richard Head?
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Post by jimboloco » June 28th, 2006, 11:22 am

when i waz 12 i played football
an wanted a jockstrap
so my step-dud said
"show me yer peanutz"
he took one look an guffawweded,
fergetaboutit,
mercy
i like mnaz'zz approach better
gib da kid a head start
an chhicago mercy
whirling windy
fatuous flatulent fabulouz
[color=darkcyan]i'm on a survival mission
yo ho ho an a bottle of rum om[/color]

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stilltrucking
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Post by stilltrucking » June 28th, 2006, 12:26 pm

PMS can kill a poet
The real Sylvia Plath
Her newly published, unexpurgated journals support a little-known theory that PMS drove her to suicide.

http://archive.salon.com/books/feature/ ... index.html
Jota Poem
Estrus

Scream by day, wail by night
Claws that scratch, jaws that bite
My beans and I beat a hasty retreat
Just in time To dodge a well-aimed plate
Some call it love, I say it ain’t

* Eris is the ancient Greek goddess Discord
.** Estrus is a female animal in heat.
http://www.geocities.com/privaj/jota3.h ... jota3.html

I have heard that childbirth is very painfull. But I think getting your putz caught in a zipper is a close second.

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Diana Moon Glampers
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Post by Diana Moon Glampers » June 28th, 2006, 2:28 pm

Clay you are brave and funny. nice work.

Firsty I think she is wrong. Maybe she should check her material over.
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