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In Heat
for release 01-23-07
Washington DC
In most mammals, the female is sexually receptive only when she is in estrus. In whales, bears and foxes, this is once a year. In dogs, twice a year. In most cattle it's every 21 days or so, hamsters--every four days. But humans and bonobo chimps (our nearest cousins) are always sexually receptive. Or so they would have us believe.
I once worked on a dairy farm. We bred cows. But there were no bulls on the farm, only heifers. We did it all by mechanical means-- artificial insemination. In order to tell which heifers were in heat, we used what is called a heat patch. This was more of a mechanical device than a medical one.
The heat patch consists of a piece of white gauze about four inches square with adhesive on the back. On the front is mounted a glass ampule filled with red dye. This patch is placed just above the tail on the back of every cow in the herd.
In a herd of heifers, when one comes into estrus, the others can smell it and they begin to mount her. This must be some kind of herd ritual preparation for breeding. When they mount her, their big hooves land on her back just above the tail and break the dye ampule and the dye saturates the white gauze. Then it is easy for a cowboy to ride through the herd and cut out the ones who are in heat to be placed in the breeding pen.
Which brings me to the subject of mood rings. Do you remember mood rings? They were a fad in the 1970's. They changed colors supposedly according to your mood. What they really reflected was your skin temperature, but in the seventies, that was close enough. You can sell 'mood' rings much easier than you can sell 'skin temperature rings.'
The Poet's Eye notices that Pfizer is in trouble this week. They are laying off 10,000 employees because patents expire this year on drugs that have been making them billions per year and plus they are getting sued by AIDS.org for promoting promiscuity in their Viagra marketing campaign. It seems like a pretty open and shut case to me. How can you sell a hardon pill without promoting promiscuity?
My suggestion to Pfizer would be to develop a heat patch for humans.
Guy walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting there. BEFORE he buys her a drink he takes a look at her heat patch. If it's not red, he saves himself seven bucks. It's a no-brainer. C'mon Pfizer, technology has advanced since the mood ring. You can do this. Save the company. Of course women would only resort to wearing fake red heat patches that they will be able to buy at Hot Topic. It's called faking it before the fact.
The Poet's Eye has been studying the female of the species for many years, with her cycles and her periods and her ups and her downs, her lightness and her gravity. She's a continuing mystery. But how do you know when she's in the mood? A bitch is in heat only twice a year. The male, the bull, the stag, the stud, the sire, the positive, aggressive, creative force is always in the mood. The whole equation is determined by the FEMALE mood--the receptive force.
The Poet's Eye looks for red.
Now you listened to my story
Here's the point that i have made
Chicks were born to give you fever
Be it fair and have a sense of game
---Peggy Lee
