Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

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In Heat
for release 01-23-07
Washington DC

In most mammals, the female is sexually receptive only when she is in estrus. In whales, bears and foxes, this is once a year. In dogs, twice a year. In most cattle it's every 21 days or so, hamsters--every four days. But humans and bonobo chimps (our nearest cousins) are always sexually receptive. Or so they would have us believe.

I once worked on a dairy farm. We bred cows. But there were no bulls on the farm, only heifers. We did it all by mechanical means-- artificial insemination. In order to tell which heifers were in heat, we used what is called a heat patch. This was more of a mechanical device than a medical one.

The heat patch consists of a piece of white gauze about four inches square with adhesive on the back. On the front is mounted a glass ampule filled with red dye. This patch is placed just above the tail on the back of every cow in the herd.

In a herd of heifers, when one comes into estrus, the others can smell it and they begin to mount her. This must be some kind of herd ritual preparation for breeding. When they mount her, their big hooves land on her back just above the tail and break the dye ampule and the dye saturates the white gauze. Then it is easy for a cowboy to ride through the herd and cut out the ones who are in heat to be placed in the breeding pen.

Which brings me to the subject of mood rings. Do you remember mood rings? They were a fad in the 1970's. They changed colors supposedly according to your mood. What they really reflected was your skin temperature, but in the seventies, that was close enough. You can sell 'mood' rings much easier than you can sell 'skin temperature rings.'

The Poet's Eye notices that Pfizer is in trouble this week. They are laying off 10,000 employees because patents expire this year on drugs that have been making them billions per year and plus they are getting sued by AIDS.org for promoting promiscuity in their Viagra marketing campaign. It seems like a pretty open and shut case to me. How can you sell a hardon pill without promoting promiscuity?

My suggestion to Pfizer would be to develop a heat patch for humans.

Guy walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting there. BEFORE he buys her a drink he takes a look at her heat patch. If it's not red, he saves himself seven bucks. It's a no-brainer. C'mon Pfizer, technology has advanced since the mood ring. You can do this. Save the company. Of course women would only resort to wearing fake red heat patches that they will be able to buy at Hot Topic. It's called faking it before the fact.

The Poet's Eye has been studying the female of the species for many years, with her cycles and her periods and her ups and her downs, her lightness and her gravity. She's a continuing mystery. But how do you know when she's in the mood? A bitch is in heat only twice a year. The male, the bull, the stag, the stud, the sire, the positive, aggressive, creative force is always in the mood. The whole equation is determined by the FEMALE mood--the receptive force.

The Poet's Eye looks for red.


Now you listened to my story
Here's the point that i have made
Chicks were born to give you fever
Be it fair and have a sense of game
---Peggy Lee

This is very amusing and VERY politically incorrect.

What would Camille Paglia and Naomi Wolf say?

http://www.zmag.org/zmag/articles/june94day.htm

But then, I'm so incorrect, I'm correct.

Or is that incorrect?

Without standing in front of a podium fifteen times a week with an audience of eighteen to twenty-one- year- olds waiting to pounce on my every syllable, I've no doubt become unable to detect political correctness.

At one point, my life ( and career) depended on it-- knowing the total code, all the signs, signals and buzzwords.

Including the "putz-words."

Well written and bravely spoken.

I leave you to the lions, Daniel.

I got out of the business myself, but I admire straight-talkers like you still.


--Z

Guy walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting there. BEFORE he buys her a drink he takes a look at her heat patch. If it's not red, he saves himself seven bucks. It's a no-brainer.

Are you implying... (no you're not implying, you are SAYING) that a man should not spend $7 on a drink for the lady unless he knows he can take her to bed?

Jesus, you're an old fashioned sexist, aren't you?

This type of statement is not only not funny, it puts all women into the category of whores.

If you want a whore, why don't you just go buy one? That would make the transaction much simpler, wouldn't it? You could save yourself the time and skip the facade of romance entirely.

*shrug*... seems pretty simple to me.

Keep your eye out. There's red out there somewhere.

Love,
the Bitch

Bitches and "Ho"s. This is all we have to write about with the State of the Onion message tonight? With the US sending another aircraft carrier force to the Persian Gulf. With the President of Israel raping and assaulting his employees like Clinton on a Viagra/Steroid cocktail? With Hillary and Barack ready to throw down a little presidential posturing? How about those lucky 21,500 soldiers being sent to FINISH the JOB?

You must be a true man, L-rod. Because we still think about that female prize in between all of our intellectual thoughts during the day. Here's hoping you didn't piss off the one you love (on).

doreen peri wrote:Are you implying... (no you're not implying, you are SAYING) that a man should not spend $7 on a drink for the lady unless he knows he can take her to bed?

you miss this distinction here, doreen. It's not that he KNOWS he can take her to bed if he buys her a drink, it's if he thinks that it is possible to take her to bed if she gets to know his proud bullish self while she is drinking the drink with him.

Z-ko,
Yeah, I know, playing to the audience is its own form of whoredom

Fred,
You are right, I should have my mind on more important things, like devising better ways to piss off the one I love

you miss this distinction here, doreen. It's not that he KNOWS he can take her to bed if he buys her a drink, it's if he thinks that it is possible to take her to bed if she gets to know his proud bullish self while she is drinking the drink with him.

Hmmm. OK. So you're saying that every time a man buys me a drink, I'm supposed to assume he's interested in getting to know me better so he can take me to bed? What about women who buy me a drink? The same thing? I'm getting confused.

What if I buy a man a drink? Does he automatically assume I want to get to know him better while we're drinking our drinks together because I'm interested in taking him to bed? What if I buy a woman a drink?

Oh and I hesitate to ask you about what's on people's minds when they buy each other LUNCH! Ackkkkk! Or DINNER! Yikes!

If your statements here bear any resemblance to the way people in the real world think, I think I'll stay in and never buy anybody drinks or lunch or dinner and never accept their treats for me, either.

I do LOVE sex but I don't want it to appear that I'm in the position of bartering for it.

I was thinking of taking myself out today and buying myself lunch and a drink. Does that mean if I take myself up on it, I can take myself home and take advantage of myself?

all this talk about sex, as if it were the driving force behind all of humanity or something!

i like the idea of a patch for chicks. they could encorporate it into their outfits and tattoos. the patch could also be designed to reflect the blood alcohol content of the subject, which would only be used for good, not evil.

if i buy a chick a drink, i'm certainly hoping she'll sleep with me. not for the economy of it, but why else would i be talking to a chick in the first place? huh? if i buy lunch for a guy, it's usually part of an interpersonal relationship designed to present ourselves to the chicks at the restaurant as available, wild, and crazy guys. if a chick buys a drink for another chick, it should only be construed as an avoidance technique designed to stave off the inevitable moment when they fall into each other's arms in a passionate and tender embrace.

i really dont see where all of this gets so problematic. seems pretty straightforward to me.

I have not been in a bar in over 20 years.

I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself
George Thurgood