pc I have a bit more workbut please tell me what you think!

[Axanderdeath]

hh

[knip]

i will read and provide some feedback geoff, but it's too big for me to tackle this week...maybe weekend or next week

[jimboloco]

Me too, chum.
With a quote like the following, yer could be a bastard descendant of Shakespeare or someone,

Life’s crazy nature, and hate and love and funny stupid crazy relationships—never coming to be.

Jack Sr. sounds like he has some passive-agressive problems, tho.
chapter one, son of gun, mon.

[jimboloco]

It might help if you posted the chapters individually. The way it is now, you have to scroll way down and it is hard to refer to the written passage.
I read chapter one a couple of times.

1.A father and son


####1####

Jack Jagger was a short, fat, sixty year old, a gray balding head of hair, and a set of blue eyes. He was known as a mean old bastard, as these types generally are known. But in Jack’s big balding brain things were different. If only people could look beyond his rough exterior and in to his soul, which he thought was boundless with deep and profound thoughts. Of what? Jack didn’t know that, but he use to.

He owned a bar, which did not help matters (Fat short balding man that works and owns a bar. He was like an Archie Bunker type characters in many eyes.) “Jack’s” was everything but a nice place to take your son on his wedding day for the reception and that’s why when Jack jr. got married. He (Jack sr.) rented out a large hall. It was up town and in a nice neighborhood.

Jagger sr. stood there in the doorway of the big hall with all the smile he could muster, every last bit of it. No one showed up. His own son said they’d all be there by 9 o’clock pm and it was 12 o’clock by the time sr. called it quits and went home. Jack and his son were not doing what you call ‘TALKING’ much lately. Just a short phone call here and there to make sure the other was not dead.

On the way home he passed by an old bum on his left hand side that he noticed. Grey old beard, a yellow smile. Wearing an old professor’s jacket, Suede patches, and all. Looking up in to the sky. Jagger kept looking at the old vagabond bastard until the bum said:
-Jack?--Jack was surprised a bit because he did not know any bums. Or at least he thought he did not.
-How do you know me?
-The bar. -- Of course the bar. All kinds of old fucks went in to Jagger’s bar. “Cheapest beer in town” read the sign out front. Which was a lie but brought in customers. Jack dug in to his pockets and pulled out a bill and handed it to the man, but to his surprise the man refused:
-No no jack, jack no.--The man said. Yellow flecks of something popped out of his mouth-where you headed?-- The bum asked.
-Home.
-Is the bar open?
-Yes.
-Why are you not there?
-Wedding.
-Who’s?-- Jack thought. Do I want to get friendly with this old bum? Business would certainly be as good as it was, if not better, if his bar did not have bums all around pasted out in the corner yelling and pissing themselves. If the bums were not around maybe he could have had his sons wedding reception at his bar. A large pain hit Jacks heart. A large awesome pain that turned to rage and he tackled the old bum to the ground and started beating him, and beating him. The old bum-head bouncing off the ground. Jack just kept going and going beating and even pulling out some elbow drops from the wrestling he watched on TV. After his raging spasm was over jack was worried. Oh shit this old bum could be dead, he thought. This is what worried him, naturally.

Now tell me, why would I want to read further, with a fucking introduxction like that.?
I am a bum.
shit, they nevah got past the first chapter.l
Why dontcha send it to the journal of psychology, or better yet, maybe it will be included in Norton's Anthology of New Millenium works by young authors.

You smack of youth.
That's for sure.
Christ, he beats an old bum t'death
kicks the dag,
displacement,

dysfunctionnal coping,
his displaced anger for his son,
andf wed wedding party that was supposed to come to the bar.....
an they did not show, so, he got pissed an took his anger out on the fucking bum, man,

What the fuck kinda plot is that?

old man
pissed at son
beats bum

on second thought
mehhe ya could sell it to
quintion taratino
or somebody.

would make a helluva screenplay fer da movies.

thazz only chpt wun, dude.

[Axanderdeath]

I am not sure if your writing the way you are to "dig" me or "dig at" me. This thass was juss chata' wun--shit? So what is it.

[Doreen Peri]

Now tell me, why would I want to read further, with a fucking introduxction like that.?

Hey Jimbo - is this a critique or a criticism? If it's a critique, why don't you explain to Geoff why you wouldn't want to read any further? What do you find unengaging about his introduction?

Geoff - I haven't read it yet. Probably because your signature calls me a fucker and begs me to read it. LOL!

[Axanderdeath]

Hey Jimbo - is this a critique or a criticism? If it's a critique, why don't you explain to Geoff why you wouldn't want to read any further? What do you find unengaging about his introduction?

Geoff - I haven't read it yet. Probably because your signature calls me a fucker and begs me to read it. LOL!

Look doreen He DID explain why he did not want to read the rest. I sugest that he does read it, he might see some better writting in there, but it does not matter. I am quite alright with dealing with it all myself, understand Doreen. Thanks for the trying to help me out or explaining what people don't like about it, but really I don't care and I can handle my self. Thanks.

If you don't read it don't post under it please.

[Doreen Peri]

Look doreen He DID explain why he did not want to read the rest. I sugest that he does read it, he might see some better writting in there, but it does not matter. I am quite alright with dealing with it all myself, understand Doreen. Thanks for the trying to help me out or explaining what people don't like about it, but really I don't care and I can handle my self. Thanks.

If you don't read it don't post under it please.

Hey Geoff.... I'll post wherever the fuck I want to. I don't have to read your story to post on your thread and I have the right as a PERSON to speak to whatever I want to speak to, including the fact that I thought Jimboloco's comment to you sounded like criticism and not critique. I wasn't trying to "help you out." I simply saw a sentence which I wanted to quote and ask for more information about.

[Axanderdeath]

that is fine. But I too have the right to post what ever I want. If I take his mockery as a crituqe I am aloud to. I am aloud to tell you to back off, right?

[Doreen Peri]

that is fine. But I too have the right to post what ever I want. If I take his mockery as a crituqe I am aloud to. I am aloud to tell you to back off, right?

That's "allowed", not "aloud."

Aloud is when you speak so someone can hear you. You speak aloud.

Allowed is having permission to do something.

You do not need my permission to post whatever you want but if you tell me "back off" and tell me not to post on your thread when I'm just being myself and posting whatever I want wherever I want, then I have the right to tell you, "No, I will post whatever and wherever I want."

[jimboloco]

Axanderdeath, you are right I used a poor choice of words, the f-word, but the imagery in your story is so violent that I naturally assumed that it would be OK. I guess that you are picking up on my ambivalence, I mean, you write an engaging story, but one that harbors an intense brooding anger.

But I have to seperate the art from the artist. I was being merely spontaneous back at ya, thazz all.

It is interesting that the artist is a sensitive person, while the man in the story is the opposite.

So I will encompass this by realising it as such and proceed to read the second chapter, also rereading your dialogue with Doreen. Please accept my apologies, not my effort to offend, merely to be as spontaneous as you are.

Write on, homey!

[jimboloco]

i gotta keep my day job!

[Axanderdeath]

That's "allowed", not "aloud."

Aloud is when you speak so someone can hear you. You speak aloud.

Allowed is having permission to do something.

You do not need my permission to post whatever you want but if you tell me "back off" and tell me not to post on your thread when I'm just being myself and posting whatever I want wherever I want, then I have the right to tell you, "No, I will post whatever and wherever I want."

Stop givin me that shit about there thier ther're or what ever. I have no cares about it. you know what i am saying. Really fuck you and your rude fucking "thats not the right word" fuck you!!! and by that i do not mean I want to have sex with you.

The story may have a couple of misspelling like that but not that many.

it is not funny doreen, really it is petty, fuck you!

if you want to be apost nazi like litkicks are now fine, do it. I am sorry I don't want you to split hairs with anything weather---- hun---wheather you think it is the wrong spelling, or critisim or a critque I do not care!!!

Fuck you fucking people some times!!!!!!!!!!!

[jimboloco]

Now I can't figure ya out Mr Axanderddddeath.

Guess the simmering anger ain't too seperate from the artist afterall.

Guess I'll skip out on the rest of the story.

jimboloco an jojimbe
deep in th Amazon
running from safety

[Lightning Rod]

jimbo--
we have a bottle of Jojimbe lotion. Doreen doesn't like me to put it on her because of the way I pronounce it--HOhimbee

axanderdeath--
you little weenie. If you ask for critique (as you did) don't be surprised when you get it.