Self rejection?

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hester_prynne

Self rejection?

Post by hester_prynne » April 3rd, 2005, 3:59 pm

Last night, I did a short gig at a local theater benefit. The place was packed and the audience seemed to like my songs very much...but me, myself, I didn't. I thought I was pretty bad and it really bugs me. Ever feel that way? It's a gnarly feeling, and I'm having trouble letting it go.....keeps making me cringe in my mind.
What is that?

Add to this the fact that before I went on, I went to a little cafe a few doors down where the piano player I work with was playing and sat in with him on few numbers to warm up.....and some bloke gave me 20 bucks for singing S'wonderful!

Performing is a hard thing...but it's the most awful for me when I don't like the way I sounded or performed, despite the audience standing up and cheering.

Can anyone relate to this? And how do you deal?

H 8)

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Doreen Peri
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Post by Doreen Peri » April 3rd, 2005, 4:34 pm

I know this feeling all too well.

I hate this feeling.

Some days, I hate everything I do. I hate my writing, I hate my art, I hate my music, and on top of that I hate hating it.... I hate my attitude.

I truly think these days are the hardest but also the best for growing as an artist.

When I hit days like that, I have to make a choice. Either give up, or start over. Usually, these types of days signal a breakthrough of some kind. I choose to start over, meaning, to look at my artistic endeavors with new eyes.

I don't have any advice other than just keep on going.

-d



ps- I'd give you $40 to sing S'Wonderful!

hester_prynne

Post by hester_prynne » April 3rd, 2005, 4:55 pm

Doreen, thank you so much for this response. I sit here, crying in frustration today, listening to singers and standards on the cable, I want to be on there singing, I want to do a cd so bad but something always fucks it up........

then last night just felt so fucking sucky. And it's carried over to today.

the fact that you've felt this way too gives me great comfort, although I'm sorry that you've felt this way too....if that makes sense. Bleah

Growth perhaps, yes, it's painful like that.
I'm like a caged and gagged bird.

Thanks again for responding and i'll sing s'wonderful to you for free any old time...hell, we could do a duet on it!

if only if only

thanks again for responding...I feel a bit better.
(Sometimes living alone ain't so hot.....but don't tell anyone I ever said that okay?)
:shock:
H 8)

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Doreen Peri
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Post by Doreen Peri » April 3rd, 2005, 5:43 pm

It's an awful feeling. I am sorry you are experiencing it. I don't know what to say except I can't get out of this same feeling right now, myself. Maybe it's in the moon?

Oh, yeah, I know what else to say.

You're wrong. That's the truth. Your voice is beautiful! You are one talented lady with loads of talents and you really wouldn't want to sing a duet with me 'cause my voice sucks... LOL!

I've been practicing a Beatles medley on the piano for 2 months. I arranged it and for the most part, it's coming along, but there are two spots, one in "When I'm 64" and another in "Your Mother Should Know", both in the middle of the medley, where I keep stumbling and missing a phrase. The other pieces in the medley are coming along fine. I know what I need to do. I need to practice those two parts of the medley over and over and over until my fingers memorize the darn thing. I keep recording it on the electronic keyboard and I hear every time where I screw up.

I listened to my recording the other night and when it got to the part where I messed up, I said aloud, "Damn! That sucks" and low and behold, someone agreed with me. LOL! I cried, too. Because I've been working very hard and for a few minutes, I didn't know whether I could get any better than that.

But it's only a speed bump. I call these type of things speed bumps. You can't just keep going, you have to slow down and make your corrections.

It's a speed bump, too, when you doubt your own talent. Why are you doubting it? Because you didn't get that high, that boost, that beautiful feeling of elation when you know you've offered your best performance. That's ok. I'm sure your performance was just fine and the audience loved you! How could they not?

The thing is, it's not just the audience we perform for. It's ourselves. Part of being an artist is the high we get when we create something. If we aren't pleased with our own creation, the high isn't there. You know you've had better performances, but so what? So, you didn't get the high this time. That's ok! You keep singing and the high comes back! The high WILL come back!

How do I know this? Well, because I used to be a dancer and I know that high when there's a standing ovation... I know that high when I feel on top of my dance! Because when I hit the notes on the piano and it's exactly right, it's ME feeling the music, dancing the music with my heart, well, I just know it when I hit it right on and I get high on that, even if I'm the only one in the room! And I know that even though there are some mistakes in a piece, I can practice and learn and make the piece better so that the next time I perform it, I can get high on letting my fingers dance it.

A while back... oh... something like 2 years ago... right after Clay moved in here with me, I got into a BIG slump about my writing. I was trying to select pieces for my collection, "Extremities to Paradise" and it took weeks. I couldn't select them. I read through hundreds of pieces of my poetry and hated them all. Every one of them. I said to Clay, "These suck. They all suck. They all sound the same and they're just plain terrible." He just shook his head and laughed. We've all been there, Hest....

He told one of his friends what I said and his friend told him to tell me, "Good! I'm happy for her! That's the point to get to! It's at that point where she'll reach a new level and grow farther."

Speed bumps are barrier breakers. His friend was right. After I put that book together, I started working harder on my poetry. I started editing again, rather than writing only spontaneously. I selected some work for our CD and for our Cabaradio show and worked on revising it for spoken word. I broke through to another level. Not that my writing is fantastic or anything, but I do think it's much better than now, than the era represented by my "Extremities" book.

I can't count the number of hours I've cried over my art work during times like these. Even my daily work gets to me sometimes. I get to a point where I tell myself I'm a lousy designer and all my ads, all my newsletters, all my websites look like CRAP and I don't know what I'm doing and I should quit. Funny thing is, they keep paying me, so they must like what I do. But when I get to the point where I hate it all, my designing improves, because I break through to another level.

We are our own worse critics. Speed bumps are healthy.

Congratulations! Your next performance will be the BOMB! KaPOW (in a good way!).... you're going to blow 'em away!

Rock the casba, my friend! You'll get that CD done! Sing to me, mamma! ;)

Everything's gonna be just fine......

hester_prynne

Post by hester_prynne » April 3rd, 2005, 6:14 pm

Oh man, Doreen you've no idea how grateful I am for that last post of yours....you hit it on the nail in many many places for me....indeed, when you feel on top of it yourself is the key. oomphah!
And I can totally relate to speed bump, it just totally makes sense.

Last night, at the cafe with Chuck where I was warming up, felt really good, and i realize it's because both Chuck and I have similar goals, to play really good but also to connect with people through the music together as a team. We have rehearsed together so much, (6, 7, years) that we can play a song for the first time, a request maybe, good because we have those same goals, or proclivities maybe is a better word...within music. Plus, we both are jazzers in the same way too..we like the same kind of music.

At the theater, I was playing with a couple of pretty popular and talented local boys, strictly blues players, and I don't have this thing with them like I do with Chuck. We barely rehearsed the songs, and they insisted on faking their way through a bridge, or a verse, they had a weird tempo going, and it made the songs sound horrible, to me at least. I couldn't wait to get off the stage......I felt like a fool. T'is the season. The benefit was even called Festival of Fools....heh

I realize that rehearsals keenly important, but also I think for me, I gotta stick to working with players like Chuck, who have the same sort of "musical temperament", goals, that I do.
And that is to connect to an audience through a shared musical groove.

I always say, sure yeah, i'll do it. Then I regret it, because without a connection like Chuck and I have, it's more a frightening chore.

Regardless, I need to get out of the house, go downtown and have coffee at the bookstore or something.....so says my gut...so i'm goin

Thanks so much Doreen for your knowing, and direct input. Sure hope more folks discuss how they deal with these kind a thangs.....
It's interesting....

H 8)

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Post by Whitebird Sings » April 13th, 2005, 6:58 pm

Doreen and Hester...

I just read your dialogue ~ thank you both for sharing from such honest and vulnerable places. Your words resonated with me, and I am sure with others... The things you two spoke of are lessons we all just keep learning over and over again. Thanks for the reminder!

From reading your words, I know that you are both good and talented people... but most of all, I know you by your hearts that shine through your words for each other... I see your beautiful, giving and awe-inspiring hearts!

in appreciation - of you
xoxo
Whitebird SINGS! (not well maybe... but from the heart :) )

hester_prynne

Post by hester_prynne » April 26th, 2005, 4:54 pm

Whitebird....your post made me sing....
Just saw it now...
Thank you for your words, and Doreen, thank you for yours too.
H 8)

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