It's an awful feeling. I am sorry you are experiencing it. I don't know what to say except I can't get out of this same feeling right now, myself. Maybe it's in the moon?
Oh, yeah, I know what else to say.
You're wrong. That's the truth. Your voice is beautiful! You are one talented lady with loads of talents and you really wouldn't want to sing a duet with me 'cause my voice sucks... LOL!
I've been practicing a Beatles medley on the piano for 2 months. I arranged it and for the most part, it's coming along, but there are two spots, one in "When I'm 64" and another in "Your Mother Should Know", both in the middle of the medley, where I keep stumbling and missing a phrase. The other pieces in the medley are coming along fine. I know what I need to do. I need to practice those two parts of the medley over and over and over until my fingers memorize the darn thing. I keep recording it on the electronic keyboard and I hear every time where I screw up.
I listened to my recording the other night and when it got to the part where I messed up, I said aloud, "Damn! That sucks" and low and behold, someone agreed with me. LOL! I cried, too. Because I've been working very hard and for a few minutes, I didn't know whether I could get any better than that.
But it's only a speed bump. I call these type of things speed bumps. You can't just keep going, you have to slow down and make your corrections.
It's a speed bump, too, when you doubt your own talent. Why are you doubting it? Because you didn't get that high, that boost, that beautiful feeling of elation when you know you've offered your best performance. That's ok. I'm sure your performance was just fine and the audience loved you! How could they not?
The thing is, it's not just the audience we perform for. It's ourselves. Part of being an artist is the high we get when we create something. If we aren't pleased with our own creation, the high isn't there. You know you've had better performances, but so what? So, you didn't get the high this time. That's ok! You keep singing and the high comes back! The high WILL come back!
How do I know this? Well, because I used to be a dancer and I know that high when there's a standing ovation... I know that high when I feel on top of my dance! Because when I hit the notes on the piano and it's exactly right, it's ME feeling the music, dancing the music with my heart, well, I just know it when I hit it right on and I get high on that, even if I'm the only one in the room! And I know that even though there are some mistakes in a piece, I can practice and learn and make the piece better so that the next time I perform it, I can get high on letting my fingers dance it.
A while back... oh... something like 2 years ago... right after Clay moved in here with me, I got into a BIG slump about my writing. I was trying to select pieces for my collection, "Extremities to Paradise" and it took weeks. I couldn't select them. I read through hundreds of pieces of my poetry and hated them all. Every one of them. I said to Clay, "These suck. They all suck. They all sound the same and they're just plain terrible." He just shook his head and laughed. We've all been there, Hest....
He told one of his friends what I said and his friend told him to tell me, "Good! I'm happy for her! That's the point to get to! It's at that point where she'll reach a new level and grow farther."
Speed bumps are barrier breakers. His friend was right. After I put that book together, I started working harder on my poetry. I started editing again, rather than writing only spontaneously. I selected some work for our CD and for our Cabaradio show and worked on revising it for spoken word. I broke through to another level. Not that my writing is fantastic or anything, but I do think it's much better than now, than the era represented by my "Extremities" book.
I can't count the number of hours I've cried over my art work during times like these. Even my daily work gets to me sometimes. I get to a point where I tell myself I'm a lousy designer and all my ads, all my newsletters, all my websites look like CRAP and I don't know what I'm doing and I should quit. Funny thing is, they keep paying me, so they must like what I do. But when I get to the point where I hate it all, my designing improves, because I break through to another level.
We are our own worse critics. Speed bumps are healthy.
Congratulations! Your next performance will be the BOMB! KaPOW (in a good way!).... you're going to blow 'em away!
Rock the casba, my friend! You'll get that CD done! Sing to me, mamma!
Everything's gonna be just fine......