Letters to the Resident Advice Columnist - Dear Biotch

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Doreen Peri
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Letters to the Resident Advice Columnist - Dear Biotch

Post by Doreen Peri » December 17th, 2004, 11:17 pm

Dear Blabby,

I'm experiencing a crisis.

I'm trying to let my bangs grow out. You know, what some call "fringe"... those hairs which grow on my forehead down to my eyebrows. They have grown to an unmanagable length to the top of my cheekbones. I look like an unkempt vagabond, a waif. I stay holed up in my hovel for fear of the public viewing my untidy locks. My nerves are frayed from the constant maneuvering of tresses in an attempt to get them out of my eyes.

I'm at an impasse. Should I cut them for sanity's sake? Or bear through the unbearable for the sake of potential beauty and definitive change? Change, after all, may be worthy of my persistence. Beauty, after all, may be fleeting but could possibly be entertaining, as well. But sanity has its appeal, also

On top of all that, it's the holidays. I want to look my best for my family and friends. The red dress I bought last year looks fantastic with an angular-coiffed do while the little black number with the spaghetti straps would be more appealing with loose flowing tresses.

To make matters worse, my cousin won't look me square in the eyes unless she can see them and she's constantly reaching over to push the hair out of my eyes which is annoying as hell and they're going to seat her next to me for Christmas dinner. She drives me absolutely insane with the incessant tweaking!

But my man adores me when my hair is tossled and has promised to buy me red bandannas which I can make into halter tops when summer comes. And when I wear clips to hold the bangs up, he likes to pull them out for me. Mmmmm... I love that so much! On the other hand, my employer has informed me that if I show up on the job one more time with my hair in disarray, he will have to hire someone with a more appropriate public image.

Whatever shall I do? I need advice, badly! Should I forget the bandannas? Should I leave the dresses hanging in my closet and wear jeans? Should I ask the hostess at Christmas dinner to change the seating chart? Should I resign from my job and find a more tolerant employer?

Signed,

Pulling Hairs
Last edited by Doreen Peri on December 18th, 2004, 10:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Les S. Amore
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Post by Les S. Amore » December 17th, 2004, 11:25 pm

Dear Shabby,

I want to talk to you about a problem I have. I'm a little embarrassed to put my business out on the street like this, but I have a problem with masturbation. I want to do it five or six times a day. Sometimes my right hand gets jealous of my left hand. It takes away from the time I could be smoking cigarettes or watching soap operas.

What I really need to know is, will it really make me go blind or grow hair on my palms? Can I just do it until I need glasses?

Yours truly,

Going Blind in Frisco
va va voom

Levitra
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Joined: September 24th, 2004, 8:26 pm

Post by Levitra » December 17th, 2004, 11:41 pm

Mon chéri Flambe,

This, she is such zee problem. I should like some advice! Mon Dieu! I brought the boyfriend to my boudoir, mais zee roommate, he was so upset! He came home vith zee shotgun for to shoot off my suitor's skull! I was zee assistant! I helped zee paramour out of zee back window and now, Je suis confus! Ce qui si je font? Monsieur Amore, he loves me and he is zee Adonis pour moi but he iz zee threat to my home!

Je suis,

Torn Between Deux Amoureux

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stilltrucking
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Location: Oz or somepLace like Kansas

Post by stilltrucking » December 18th, 2004, 9:35 am

Chorus:
"You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up Buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood"

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Lucy!
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Help is on da way

Post by Lucy! » December 18th, 2004, 6:15 pm

Dere Complanerz, oh I mean, peoplez who needz advize:
Its mad clear dat all of uz need to be like fixed
So here's my advize to you sorry loozers:
-----------------
Pullin Hares- yo! yo' boyfriend be all up in your grill pullin dem hairs. Who he think he iz? Shoot. When I just got my hair did, someone straightout tried to throw water on my hair so it could curl up and I was like "what biotch?" and she was like "sorry you was on fire" and I was like "yeah but you aint gotta be up in my grill! tryin to playa hate on my done hair." Don't ever let yo baby daddy eva be pullin yo she-it like that. Thaz why we iz liberated. Dats why we gots the 25th amendment up in dis piece. Fo our rights az women. Shoot. Yo boss aint no better, tellin you what you should look like. I be wearin green snakeskin pants to work -aint nobody tellin me to be mo' presentable
Shhooot
this she-it gets me pisseded
cain't a women be all up in her cozmetic grill, brotha got to be up in her bidness
------------------
Goin' Blind
Yo, there aint nothin wrong with a little self nookie. How you knowwhich one is your left hand and which one is your right if you is going blind? If you iz hairy, shave you dum ape
shoot, people just don use dey comon cents
Get yo self some of dem designer Alvin Clien glasses dey be sellin, you can buy it from my man Mikey aka "Little Plucky", he can hook you up lovely. Only ten bucks.
---------
Torn between-
waz up wit yo writing? Homegirl, yo needs to get yoself some edukation before you be askin me fo some advize, don't get me started
Shoot
people be ritin like dey aint go to school
---------------
Well yo, its time fo me to be out and do my she-it
wait fo da next installment of advize to you lozers where some dum azz tells me he likes to lick feet and i tell him "aww hell nah!are you crazy yo?!"
Mz. I. Knowmysheit signin out
piece yo

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stilltrucking
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Joined: October 24th, 2004, 12:29 pm
Location: Oz or somepLace like Kansas

Post by stilltrucking » July 10th, 2009, 2:41 pm

lucy wrote:
Torn between-
waz up wit yo writing? Homegirl, yo needs to get yoself some edukation before you be askin me fo some advize, don't get me started
Shoot
people be ritin like dey aint go to school
been a long time since torn between posted her letter. Betcha a dollar to a donut she ain't torn between that no more.

Speaking of getting an education
I get egg on my beard everytime I delete replies to you. I then try and explain the deletion in a later reply. And I get egg on my beard everytime. At least that is what it feels like.

Oh well,

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