Dying Over Here!

[pandora]

Dear Mz. Advice.

I can't tell you how happy I am to see your advice column emerge on these pages!

Hell knows, we all need advice from time to time, and you certainly seem to know what you're talking about! I've read a few of these and I've decided to write you about my problem.

You see, it's this.

I was in the midst of planning a funeral and it was very bizarre, but I found myself falling madly in love with the funeral director. This is an uncomfortable situation, to say the least. Let me start from the beginning to give you some background.

The funeral director's name is Carl. He was married to my sister's ex husband's college professor, Norma. Norma was a giant on campus at GWU. Everyone wanted to be in her class because she was so knowledgeable and articulate and had a passion for Shakespeare and World History. She could tell a story like no other.

But the problem is that Norma ran off with my best friend's husband's brother, Joel. Joel and Norma have disappeared entirely off the planet, according to recent reports from colleagues and associates.

So.... My mother's neighbor died and I was invited to attend the funeral gathering and Carl was alone, his wife having fled with Joel to places unknown. He is still legally married to her, which makes an uncomfortable situation for me because when he looked at me as we were standing next to the coffin, his eyes were like magnets! I was drawn into them!

He invited me to lunch and to "spend some time in the condo." I don't know what to do.

Carl is still legally married and his work sort of bothers me. He is involved with corpses, after all. But oh, his babyblues just pulled me in from the beginning!

Should I go to lunch with him? His occupation bothers me, I have to admit, but he has offered me sushi at the upscale Japanese spot on 9th Street. What could be the harm?

Do you think dating Carl would be a death sentence or a revitalization of the miracle of romance?

One more question. If you say yes to lunch, should I mention the cost of the casket (which is exorbitant?) And do you think it would be appropriate for me to wear the 6-inch heels with the Chinese silk-print scoopneck blouse?

Every time he looks at me, I'm gone for him. Yet still there is Norma.

I'm in a quandary. Please help. Thank you. Your answer will assure that this will not be MY funeral, I hope!

signed -

Dying Over Here!

[Lucy!]

Dere DOH
yo, you iz one happen' biotch
straightup, you gots to go fo yo heart
look, its like dis
when yo look into some dawg's eyes and he just be clikin wit yo like dere aint nutin between you and him but dem jail cell bars-oh man
dats luv
you aint got to tell me no wife drama
luv iz luv
aint nutin can break dat sheit
not even yo daddy's corpse
go fo yourz girl
and get tore up while you at it
drink some a dat krystal dat P. Diddy be drinkin
i heard dats da fushizzle
six inch heals gon tare up yo bunions yo
wear some o dem ortopedik shoes
dey give you mad height
go out dare and get dat man
make sho you trim dem hairs above yo lip befor goin out
dont want yo new man to be afraid to be up in yo grill
i know someone who can do yo lip, eyebrows and armpits fo and she give you a back massage
only ten dollars

-Mz. I. Knowmysheit