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bennie
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Dear Lucy

Post by bennie » January 14th, 2005, 11:15 am

I have an abscess on my eyelash
it leeks when I take a bath
all the doctor did was laugh
NHS? can't get the staff!

I wonder if I should maybe lance it?
But then again, d'yah think I should chance it?
I feel like it's jabbing my brain a bit
I don't need this fucking shit.

I don't really have an abscess on my eyelash. that would be absurd. But who said the world has to make sense.

My problem is...not really a problem, more of a ponderingment. Yes it IS a fucking word!

If I write a poem about a girl I see on the bus (the line of her neck, her spectacles reflecting streetlights in a haiku beautry sort of way, her hair being tucked behind her ear...stuff like that) should I give her the poem and say I wrote it for her?

What would she say?
what would you say?

Or, should I just keep my poetry to myself?

Yours athiestly,

Finbar S. McCracken
well I write music review so I do:
http://www.elevationstation.net

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Lucy!
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yo

Post by Lucy! » January 14th, 2005, 12:06 pm

yo you thinks I iz a doktor o sumthin?
who you think you iz tryin be all up in my shiet like I iz on ER o sumtin like dat?
shoooot
dis sheit be stressin me out yo
i needz me sum licker
sum rum and pathmark soda
dis bioth dun got a headake

I be out

Mz I. Knowmysheit

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Glorious Amok
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Post by Glorious Amok » January 24th, 2005, 10:24 am

lol, i say give her the poem. definitely!
"YOUR way is your only way." - jack kerouac

Trevor
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Post by Trevor » April 15th, 2005, 10:47 pm

I say get a piece of chewed gum, attached it to the backside of the poem and then as you walk by, mash it in her hair and blow her a kiss....works everytime....

So here's what you should do, write the poem, get some vinegar, as you walk by, paper cut her on the lips - throw some vinegar (preferably malt) in her face and scream as loud as you can "LOVE IS PAIN!!!!!" ...women love an angsty misunderstood artist

Okay, better plan would be to buy five car batteries, lots of wire, concentrated orange juice, dish soap and fertilizer...oh yeah and a detonation device of some sort...hmmm on second thought...

Sooo here's what you should do.. find out where she lives and in the middle of the night, break in, steal her panties and spell "I love you" on her front lawn with her knickers. I swear she'll fall for you once the restraining order is appealed.....

Orrrr....since its a bus, try a more direct approach like frottaging ...or just a simple tender creepy cornering while wearing a dirty smirk....you know how women go ga-ga for the strong silent type...

If that doesn't work you could always walk up, thank her for bettering your day - explain to her how much time you consume fantasizing about her while masturbating in the staff washrooms at work instead of filling out those boring T-984A forms.

Try writing the poem out on something unique...like cereal packets, her bathroom mirror with her own lipstick (see: how to stalk), animal skin or sections of your own flesh inked in blood...I hear women like men who are original.

Try getting really drunk and falling down in front of her...women love to fix wounded birds...

Become a drug dealer, get her hooked on smack and make sure you're the only one in town who will provide her with junk...well she may not love ya but it will be close enough...

I've always found the quickest way to get close contact with a woman is to secretly light them on fire and then as they burn, grab them and stop - drop - and roll....which woman doesn't like a good frolic in the grass?....

Kill off someone close to her and show up at the funeral to console...remember, a vunerable woman is an easy woman...p.s. bring flowers...

Buy a dog costume, hide behind the bushes, then as she walks by run out and start humping her leg....they don't arrest dogs for random humpings do they?

Adopt a child, all women love coddling sensitive men...go one step further, publicly try to breast feed the baby then start crying, "It's so unfair!!!!!!" ...guaranteed tear jerker scene, she'll come running - breast out, to your aid....

Now i"ve seen this next technique in a movie, hijack the bus, ask for a plane, keep the woman as collateral, tell the pilot to fly to Cuba or some place tropical and when you get there, tell her you did it to give her the dream vacation she always wanted....chicks dig a take charge kind of guy...ummm, just remembered the hijacker gets shot in the face at the end of the movie, so weigh that in before you buy the balaclava and shotgun.

Sit down beside her, start coughing loudly, apologize and quietly say, "it isn't easy coping with a fatal illness"...nothing says hold me more than a deadly fake disease...especially when coughing is involved....go the extra mile for love and intentionally infect yourself with something incurable...it will be the happiest 3 - 6 months of your life with her by your side.

Pretend to be homosexual, woman love to be challenged by an unthreatening, yet fashionably consciencious male. The key is: resist all temptation to make a move...She'll have her fun - shopping with you, having coffees, telling you about how shitty her current boyfriend is, then blammo, one night she'll feed you ten shots of tequila at some sleazy bar, take you home and try her damnedest to make a man out of you....she'll feel like a heroine for thinking she saved you from your own sexuality....

Secretly impregnate her by ejaculating on her usual bus seat...and when she unknowingly sits down on it...blammo...conception...wait nine months and show up to sign the baby papers...a mother will always love the father of her child....

Stuff your pants with mannequin arm, learn a foreign language (preferably latin based) or at least get a cool accent and ask her in broken english, "Is this the bus to the penis measuring contest?"...and when she looks shocked open up your english dictionary and go "no sorry, english not good, I mean is this the bus to church?"...women love a spiritual man especially if he has an accent and a large penis.

Women will be the first one's to tell you that they love a good cry so taunt her obsessively until she lets all those tears out...then of course ask, "Feel better?"...she''ll thank you for helping rid herself of all that repressed anger towards not getting a pony for her 12th birthday.

Well that's about all the pick up advice I can think of...hope its been of use...
Last edited by Trevor on April 18th, 2005, 3:38 am, edited 2 times in total.

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judih
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Post by judih » April 15th, 2005, 11:30 pm

i know i've picked up a few pointers.
thanks!

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stilltrucking
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Post by stilltrucking » April 16th, 2005, 12:19 pm

Trveor got some good ideas but I think I would follow Dwight D Eisenhowers's strategy

"Then wear the gold hat, it that will move her:
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high -bouncing lover,
I must have you."

I am pretty sure it was Eisenhower said that, but it might have been Nixon

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mousey1
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Post by mousey1 » April 16th, 2005, 9:58 pm

Oh ho ho ho ho ho Oh Oh

Oh ho ho ho ho ho Oh

Oh ho ho ho ho ho Oh Oh Oh Oh

That my dear Trev is the sound of a deeply felt belly laugh!

Oh ho ho ho ho ho Oh

With advice like that how can you fail.

Pick her up? Lay her out is more like it! On a slab...after she dies of laughter.

Oh ho ho ho ho ho Oh
Oh
Oh...............................


:roll: (bet you never saw that many hos in one place.....or not!) :roll:
I used to walk with my head in the clouds but I kept getting struck by lightning!
Now my head twitches and I drool alot. Anonymouse

[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v475/mousey1/shhhhhh.gif[/img]

Trevor
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Post by Trevor » April 18th, 2005, 3:35 am

(bet you never saw that many hos in one place.....or not!)


...LOL, well only once, Santa convention - all the prostitutes they were walking around with :)

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Doreen Peri
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Post by Doreen Peri » April 22nd, 2005, 3:08 pm

:shock: 8) :lol: :P

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Trevor, you've made our day! I just read your post aloud to LR and I could barely get through it, I was laughing so hard and you had him laughing so hard, tears came out of his eyes!

He said he's used some of those techniques himself.... lol

Trevor
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Post by Trevor » April 22nd, 2005, 7:22 pm

LOL...well I'm glad you and LR enjoyed it. I wrote all that at in a giggly mood and I'm glad it helped ya do the same :)

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Doreen Peri
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Post by Doreen Peri » April 22nd, 2005, 7:48 pm

heh

I just have 2 questions, Trevor.

Do you do Stand-up Comedy?

Do you really look like Dan Ackroyd?

And if the answer to #1 is yes, would you like to be in our Cabaradio show in September?

Wait! That was 3 questions! ;)

When you posted the Dan Ackroyd thing, it dawned on me that I've known you since when? 1998? 1999? Something like that. And I have no clue what you look like. I really know nothing about you at all other than the fact that you are a writer and you crack me up and you live in Canada. Oh, I probably know a few more things but I'm not going to post them here. LOL! hehe... just kidding.

But this pick-up post of yours would really make for a great stand-up routine. Honestly.

Trevor
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Joined: September 8th, 2004, 9:34 am

Post by Trevor » April 23rd, 2005, 12:21 pm

Hiya Doreen,

"Do you do Stand-up Comedy?"

Lol..nah, I'm much to shy and sweaty on stage...I clam right up when forced to be funny...deer in the headlight syndrome.

" Do you really look like Dan Ackroyd?"

Don't you mean does Dan really look like me? lol...welllll I dunno...some people say hell no and some people say hell yes. Personally I don't think I do.

" And if the answer to #1 is yes, would you like to be in our Cabaradio show in September?"

Well I'd love to get over my stage fright one day. I think it would be a great high to comfortably perform in front of an audience. Thanks for the offer, I accept...I'll check my mailbox daily until the first class plane ticket and Four Season's reservation arrives...lol...well I may not be a star yet but I certainly expect to be treated like one..lol...but in all seriousness, I would love to partake one day in your Cabaradio show. Don't think I'd be able to make it in September, I have two weddings to attend, but one of these days I just might remind you of this offer.

"When you posted the Dan Ackroyd thing, it dawned on me that I've known you since when? 1998? 1999? Something like that. And I have no clue what you look like. I really know nothing about you at all other than the fact that you are a writer and you crack me up and you live in Canada."

Yeah I guess it has been like seven years, since the open scroll days...wow, how time flies! Well there isn't a lot to know really...lets see, I've moved around a lot...from Northern Ontario to BC...I used to be a chef..used to be a lot of things actually...mostly self educated though I recieved my GED last year...also have a couple diploma's in bookkeeping and computer accounting (though I've never worked as a bookkeeper - too fucking boring - no offense to bookkeepers)...I also took a couple university level courses, one in poetry and one in film technology..and a couple writing workshops independant of schools. I've never been married nor have I ever cursed the world with my seed..lol...I've been writing for about ten years...with the last couple years taken more seriously...been published probably about 15 times give or take a couple...I should keep better track...mostly in a seasonal camping magazine..the only paying gig I can rustle up right now, but also had a few poems picked up by literary mags....hmmmm what else....I'm 32 years old, can never remember if I'm a libra or a virgo ...probably because I don't really care....turn ons - easy women, turn offs - slutty girlfriends...lol...jk Other than that there really isn't much to know, except what I look like...which you will never find out...don't pull back the curtain..lol...actually I'll email you a pic so you can actually put a face to my babble.

"Oh, I probably know a few more things but I'm not going to post them here. LOL! hehe... just kidding. "

LOL...wellllll if memory serves correct one of the first exchanges between us was talks of making a sandwich ;) lol...I won't say what kind of sandwich but it sounded tasty...lol jk

"But this pick-up post of yours would really make for a great stand-up routine. Honestly."

Feel free to "borrow" it for your show if you find someone who wants to use it...I don't know how effective it would be...I'm surprised usually that there are some people who have a warped sense of humor as I do...lol....usually when I crack a joke, people have one of two reactions, a strange smile while they are trying to figure out if I'm the type of guy who would really build a house out of severed kitten heads....followed by them distancing themselves from me...or a chuckle-groan-giggle. Actually the whole pick up line thing used to be a game between me and my brother...we would see who could come up with the absolutely worse pick up lines....of course we'd never use them, I'd let ya know which line won, but I think I'd probably recieve some hate mail if I dared to utter it here. :?

Anyways Doreen, hope you and LR have a good weekend. Talk to ya later. :)

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Lucy!
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look yo

Post by Lucy! » April 29th, 2005, 9:34 pm

look yo
youze be uzin my space for givin you loozers advice to be talkin bout some sheit i dont even understandz yo
this aint right
sister gotta wake up with her man's toez up in her mouth and den she gots to read this?
shoooot
sheit be stressin me out yo

damn son

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