Copulation ku

[stilltrucking]

A dead cat
She is dressed in black
A reason to live

male sweat cheers her up
take off my flannel shirt
drape on her shoulders

feral black tom cat
she would never neuter him
kitties to the pound


Hank moans
"unchain my heart"
still a virgin
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
happinesss is a big butt

cleaning ashtrays
butts getting short
smoke my way out

papa is a worried man
three hungry babies
don't understand

[sooZen]

"A dead cat
She is dressed in black
A reason to live"

and

"cleaning ashtrays
butts getting short
smoke my way out"

are the ones I like the best.

hope I can suggest something....

simplify but still retain the essence

example:

dead cat
dressed in black
life goes on

or some such...

Remove the haikuist from the haiku (this is not always necessary of course but good practice).

the second one I can relate to o so well as I am there right now. My only suggestion would be (again) to bare bone it as much as possible.

Hope you don't mind my "butting" in. Hah!

Peace,
SooZen