Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

The grey cloud hangs
as if contemplating
Above cracked streets.

A young egret plays
On the branches of a
Wet, fallen oak

Howdy Beat.

I can see what the problem may have been, although, one never knows with those in the know.

the phrase "as if contemplating" gives the cloud a human quality that is not cloudlike. Hah! Do you see what I mean? Also some haiku writers are extremely strict about what is or is not haiku and even using 'ing' is considered not in good form. I don't happen to subscribe to this so called 'rule' but some do.

If I may play a bit with this, your haiku, I would rearrange and change it some. (I beg your indulgence.)

grey cloud above
cracked streets-
asphalt streambed

or something akin to that.

Your second haiku has a beautiful image of a young egret but like many that write in this format, when you stretch it out, it is a sentence broken up into three lines. I would just flip it about a bit myself to create this image of the egret and the oak.

the branches
of a wet, fallen oak
egret playground

I have found that the most effective haiku is not what you say but the essence and image that you create and leave with the reader.

Thank you for letting me play with your haiku.

Peace,
SooZen

beatfan, yes these need work
SooZ, i like what you've done with the images

a good haiku leaves a complete sensation in the mouth and heart
like a delicious swallow of a perfectly balanced taste

Also Haiku should not be a sentence broken into 3 lines.....See Cecil's post about Heijin...........