Story Challenge 3/9

[Marksman45]

Write a story including all of the following elements:

tennis racquets
a conical hat
red paint stains in someone's clothing
a dog named Governor Bennington
a broken (for whatever reason) cast-iron skillet
strawberry preserves
a headless mannequin
the frozen tundra
at least two people named Steve.

Now go!

[Axanderdeath]

The Stevens are the two guys in high school that you always saw together, but high school is over, no one told them. The type of things these two do completely sober is hilarious. Steve Torter, one of the pair, once ran in to a store and started to hump the leg of a headless Mannequin. The Gap people were shocked. Steve Garnet has a dog named Governor Bennington, and god knows where he gets off calling a thrawthy mouthed pit-bull a name like that-I would be thinking more one of those little yappy “Paris Hilton” dogs.

I was hanging out one day with the Two Steve’s at the “frozen tundra” which is the worst named strip club since the beginning of time, and they are yelling at the girls and swinging around tennis racquets. The Steve’s like to bring their racquets around just to see, I guess, if they can get in to bars with them. Torter slapped a strip in the ass and we had to leave. I got the number of one of the strippers, sandy, and she was going to come over after she was off, but decided not to after the Stevens and the racquets they caused.

We went to the Stevens house and at their door was a crack skillet filled with jam, and a shirt covered with blood stains that I found out later was paint stains. We were all loaded. The Stevens started kissing to my surprise and I finally understood why they were always together. The Stevens were in love. I left quietly out the door, swiping some jam up with my finger. You think you know two people of the same name? My My.

[Marksman45]

Haha! I love the idea of two guys going to bars with tennis racquets just to see if they can get in with them

"the racquets they caused" - I love a good pun

Good work, ax, but you missed the conical hat!

[Axanderdeath]

Haha! I love the idea of two guys going to bars with tennis racquets just to see if they can get in with them

"the racquets they caused" - I love a good pun

Good work, ax, but you missed the conical hat!

I did not mean to do that, but what is a conical hat?

[Marksman45]

a conical hat is any hat in the shape of a cone. F'rinstance, a dunce's cap, or the archetypical witch's hat

[Axanderdeath]

a conical hat is any hat in the shape of a cone. For instance, a dunce's cap, or the archetypical witch's hat

yha, they were all wearinbg those in the story. You could not tell but the hint are there, ahem, all over the place ,like , in the 3rd line from the second line, you caught that right?

--Sarcasim it is a new word to me, just learned it at 23.

[Traveller13]

Oooo ooo ooo

er

Governor Bennington inspected the front. The icy lawn was very quiet that day, and he had nobody to bark orders at.
Reaching for his crotch, he engaged in the evening crotch-cleaning procedure, which he always did at eighteen hundred hours with proud precision. Oh, the lovely feeling of fleas being squashed under his ton...
Suddenly, an occasion for victory presented itself. An civil vehicle crashed in what appeared to be a van full of strawberry preserves. Yes, he could smell it now, as the aroma of old spilled fruit hit his old nostrils.
No time to set a strategy.
CHARGE!!
Governor Bennington flew towards the mess while the drivers were arguing in a language that wasn't English. One of the civils was menacingly threatening the van driver with a pair of tennis rackets. A challenge for a duel, maybe?
Never mind that. The pavement was alive with the presence of old strawberries.
Suddenly he felt a blow at 6 o'clock, sent out a detress yelp, and turned round to face a boily-looking human. Whas he just a civil, or a civil in disguise? Governor Bennington growled to test his reaction.
Meanwhile, he could sense two other people staring at him. One of them had some kind of conical hat with strange white shapes and a long cape. There were the symbols used by humans written on the car he was leaning on, and there seemed to be another human too, that didn't smell, or seem to have a head. Very strange...
Governor Bennington darted towards the magician's car, for the sake of America.
Inside the car he realised his mistake. The third human wasn't a real human. It was just a mannequin! He had been fooled! Now all his troops were engaged in a dead-end!
Quick, do something. The magician seemed to want to get in the car, but was hesitant. For what reason? General Bennington inspected the area. There was a cast-iron skillet on the sideboard. If it was there, it had to be important.
As quickly as possible, he grabbed the long bit and started a retreat, but got intercepted by the magician, who got smudged with strawberry stains that fusionned with the red paint stains on his clothing (he'd just come back from a show and had a thing for gory sword tricks).
And then, the cavalry arrived.
"Leave my precious little Bennie alone!!"
"Vellah sorry butah..."
"I don't care what you have to say, you locals are all crazy! Now begone, before I call the police"
"Butah missizah, we have already calledah za policah."
The cavalry retreted at that, but the diversion was enough for Governor Bennington to make it past the two infiltrated spies, run out of the village, and across the frozen tundra around it where he dug the skillet into victory.

======================

The town itself isn't on any map, but it's in a very cold region and the locals have weird French accents.
The Van driver and magician are both called Steve.
Governor Bennington peed on the skillet before burying it, which in my view counts as damage because I don't know anyone who would accept to cook a meal in it after knowing that.

[judih]

the military governor bennington gives a nice british flick touch - the fact that the accents are french imply that the channel tunnel was somehow involved.

i think this entry is certainly worth a commendation.

[Marksman45]

Brilliant! Hehehe
I love what you did with Governor Bennington

Well, it's been a week since I posted this, but we've only got 2 stories (why haven't *I* posted a story? Honestly, I forgot); so we need to get some other people offa thay asses to come over here and write some frickin' story

[mousey1]

Ah hold your horses.....Rome wasn't built in a day....

'Ang on, you're young, you weren't there, how could you know... ah, 'twas a site to behold...and when the collisseum went up I was in awe.....

now where was I....

Oh, ya,.....hold your horses, Rome wasn't built in a day.....

[Marksman45]

"Hey!! Snow shoes!" Steve Whistle exclaimed, producing two objects that he found in the back of the supply cart.

The stately beagle looked up with eyes that said, "Wonderful, the great wizard Steve Whistle can't even tell snowshoes from tennis racquets. Your brilliance is underwhelming."

Steve examined them, and realized that they were, indeed, tennis racquets, and not snowshoes, and thus completely useless in the situation.

"Will you shut up, Bennington? I'm doing the best I can!"

"That's <i>Governor</i> Bennington to you," the beagle replied silently. "You shouldn't have killed Steve of the North."

"It was an accident!"

/cut to the supply wagon, two days ago. Cast-iron skillet in hand, Steve Whistle is looking through the rations.

"Steve? Steve of the North, get your blubbery butt over here."

"'ere I am, no need t' be shoutin' at me. Wha' is it?"

"Where's the food?"

"Roight there. The foinest in strawberry preserves."

"You mean you <i>only packed strawberry preserves</i>? We're going to be eating strawberry preserves for the <i>entire expedition</i>?"

"Well, yeah, I didn' wan' us to get scurvy or nothin'."

"You idiot, I'M ALLERGIC TO STRAWBERRIES!"

Steve Whistle raises the skillet into the air.

/cut back to present time, Steve Whistle digging through the supply cart looking for something to help with the situation. The same cast-iron skillet hangs from a hook, with a large crack down the middle.

"I... didn't think it through, that's all." Steve throws a fish skeleton out of the cart onto the snow behind him.

"Yes, isn't that just like you? Teleport us to the frozen tundra <i>without</i> the guy with 'of the North' in his name, because you <i>didn't think it through</i>."

"I told you, that spell was supposed to teleport us <i>home</i>. Something went wrong." A croquet ball whizzes by Governor Bennington's head, followed by a curtain rod.

"'Something went wrong,'" Governor Bennington mocked, "Is that a wizard's hat or a dunce's cap on your head?"

"Look, I don't see <i>you</i> doing anything to help the situation." He hurls a can of red paint backward over his head. It opens and spills over him. "Aw, hell, <i>that</i>'ll leave a stain."

"I don't see how it's my responsibility to help the situation. <i>You</i> got us into it."

"We're in the same boat here, Bennington," he flings out a headless mannequin from the cart, "It'd be in your best interests to help."

"I'm a <i>dog</i>, Steve. There's no thing in the world I could do to help in the frozen tundra."

"Eh? What's this?" Steve muttered to himself, looking at a book found in the massive collection of things in the cart.

"...Now, on a fox hunt, in the hills or even the forest, I could be handy, or perhaps if we were up against a cat, or if you had need of a newspaper or a pair of slippers, not that I'd ever degrade myself with such activi--"

"-- oh, Bennington, I've just found a way you <i>can</i> help." He shows the cover of the book to the dog. It is entitled <i>MUSH: a Guide to Sled Dogs</i>.

[Traveller13]

Excellent!

Some passages remind me of Terry Pratchet.

[Marksman45]

Thanks :)

Which one is Terry Pratchet again? I've heard the name, plenty of times, but I can't seem to place it


I just edited the story a bit, to make the beginning stronger and to make the skillet-whacking more subtle, and thus more funny (to me at least)

[Traveller13]

Terry Pratchett!
The Carpet People
The Discworld
The Great A'Twin
Mistress Weatherwax
Lord Veterini
The Ourang-outang librarian that goes "Oook"
Ankh-Morpok
etc

[mousey1]

I looked so cute in my conical hat as I stirred the strawberry jam in my busted up frying pan. Governor Bennington, my trusty little rat terrier was curled cosily at my feet, gnawing contentedly on my tennis shoes and making quite a racquet. Which got me to thinking.

I named Govy after Steve Bennington the II, an old flame of mine, long since history. Praise the Lord! He was a sex machine with no governor, thus the nick bestowed by chicks after experiencing his wham, bam, thank-you ma'am, techniques. I had been dumped for a headless mannequin named Martha who Stevie boy had met whilst up in the frozen tundra. She was a frosty gal, this Martha, and not really headless, merely empty-headed, thus her attraction to Steve--thus my attraction to Steve. I think of him fondly now as I pat my fully rounded belly wherein grows our love child. Standing at the stove I absently pick at the red paint stains on my blue apron and wonder ....hmmmm, how did that get there.

You, at this point, might well be asking yourself "Just how bright is this chick?" Well, let me tell you.

to be continued.....

NOT!