Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

Well I guess its my turn to put my neck on the chopping block..I wrote this a few years ago but could never tweak it into something I was happy with.....

Simple Tinys

Simple tinys designed
to hide and be hidden,
tiny by one in noise,
for many noisey in manys,
make houses in homes
of renters paying angry -
to boxed cereal
and toiletry eatings
on simple tiny's garden of eden
free buffet plate line feeding.

Cheese trapped catchers -
L arms that hug too snug,
snap into action when their spring is sprung
and wring away till necks are rung,
and tongues are hung
beneath black eyes
that see loss of lights
in a simple tiny’s scampered life.
The clickity furry pitters
and clacks of patters
hind walls and above heads -
quietly quieted, quietly dead.

Our big stompers stomping across the tiling,
forth plotting like gods of the simple tiny,
sounding as large as we are larger than the littles
and rightful in our place as the to be scared of,
seem caught up with catching up to the catchers -
caught up in the catching of what can be caught.

I have to come back and give a more thorough interpretation, Trevor. I need to read this a few times first.

For now, though, minor critiques for tweaking purposes...

noisy is spelled wrong.

Cheese-trapped catchers should probably be hyphenated as well as L-arms.

My initial reaction is that I have no clue what it means yet, but it rolls off the tongue like music. It has percussive words strung together, along with assonance and consonance and those are tools of the craft that make me say YES!

Lots of repetitive words and phrases... which can be good in a musical piece but I have to read it again and again and again before I can offer a more thorough analysis since I need to figure out what it's saying to me.

Thanks for sharing this here. I'll be back!

OK, Trevor. Here goes. I'm going to interpret this.... to tell you what it means to me.

Simple tinys designed
to hide and be hidden,
tiny by one in noise,
for many noisey in manys

I'm thinking of ants and gnats and little buzzers that annoy human beings. Bees, maybe. Tiny sweat bees. Flies which bite you on the beach. Little buggers. Small by themselves, but in a swarm, noisy. I may be way off base but after reading the entire piece and reading about the stompers, this is what I envisioned when I came back to the top, the stompers being the big feet of humans.

I'm not sure if you should spell them "tinies." It's clever to take an adjective like tiny and turn it into a noun. I like to do that myself, sometimes.

First off, the rhythm of this piece gets much better toward the middle and end. This first stanza is a bit of a struggle for me to read, because the rhythm doesn't seem natural, probably because it's not natural to use the word "tiny" as a noun.

make houses in homes
of renters paying angry -
to boxed cereal
and toiletry eatings
on simple tiny's garden of eden
free buffet plate line feeding.

Ants again. Unwelcome pests. Termites and ants invading the cereal boxes and sweet smelling toiletries. It is as if you are putting yourself in the place of an ant. What would it be like to be that tiny? If you were an ant, you'd deserve to eat, too, and invading someone's cereal boxes or toiletries would be like heaven to you, like Eden. But you are considered a pest.

The poem is about perspective.

Cheese trapped catchers -
L arms that hug too snug,
snap into action when their spring is sprung
and wring away till necks are rung,
and tongues are hung
beneath black eyes
in a simple tiny’s scampered life.
The clickity furry pitters

As I said, "cheese-trapped" should be hyphenated. But cheese-trapped catchers? Ya got me there, Trevor. What are the catchers? They have L-arms? ( again, hyphenated)

I love the rhythm of this stanza and the echoes. the consonance and alliteration.... very nice!

I am struggling over what's happening here. It sounds like the biggies are trying to catch the tinies, the humans trying to get rid of the ants and gnats and pests. Cheese-trapped doesn't work to me because that makes me think of mice and these tinies seem to be smaller than mice.

At any rate, still, I feel like you are putting yourself into the perspective of a bug, as if to say no matter how seemingly small and insignificant a being feels, it is important.

My mind went there. Some people feel small and insignificant; unimportant, useless, without a true place where they are welcome.

Like ants. But to me, you are maybe saying that they have significance and shouldn't feel that way. The bug is a metaphor for feeling unimportant, useless, without a place where you are welcome.

I really love "clickity furry pitters." Nice! I always love the use of percussive words which combine to roll nicely off the tongue. That image is music!

Our big stompers stomping across the tiling,
forth plotting like gods of the simple tiny,
sounding as large as we are larger than the littles
and rightful in our place as the to be scared of,
seem caught up with catching up to the catchers -
caught up in the catching of what can be caught.

OK, so here come the big shots, the shoes who don't recognize the significance of someone tinier. And you are now putting yourself in the place of the larger, more significant beings.... who knows? The bosses? The governments? The society?

Trevor, I think it would be much stronger if you wrote "stomp" instead of "stomping." Ive been working on losing my ings and it's been helpful. If the entire last stanza lost the "ings", it would work better for me.

Like this, maybe -

Our big stompers stomp across tile,
plot like gods to trample the simple tiny.
We sound as large as we are, larger than the littles,
rightful in our place as fear mongers,
caught up with catch up to the catchers -
caught up in the catch of what can be caught.

As far as what the last stanza means to me, it further speaks about the perceived insignificance of those who feel less than beings they perceive as larger.

It's a good metaphor, really, but, as a whole, this is definitely not one of your stronger pieces. Though I haven't read any of your poetry in several years, I do remember pieces of yours which struck me hard and which I thought were really well done! Your prose does that to me all the time. This piece of poetry, though, has much merit in what you are trying to do with the language, but it falls short with getting the message out, to me, at least, because I had to dig so hard to get to it.

I don't want to work that hard when I read poetry. I don't want it to be too simple, but I don't want it to be baffling, either, so much so that I have to think about what it might mean and what it might not mean.

To be honest, I'd prefer it if it meant nothing but sounded like music, then if it means something I have to dig hard for.

I hope my analysis was somewhere close to what you intended but even not, it was a trip doing this!

I think this one has a lot of potential to be better, especially a little more clear and rhythmic. To me, it was like you tried too hard to fill it with imagery, and by doing so, the rhythm and music was lost along with the naturalness of language, except for in those few lines in the second stanza which are absolutely delightful in rhythm and music - from "snap into action" until "black eyes."

Oh but I also liked "simple tiny's scampered life" and "clacks of patters." The second stanza definitely is the better of the 3.

How'd I do?

hmmmm?

Well, my take.....

I think it is about mice! Lots of hints to that effect:

They live in people's homes
They love chewing things up
Free buffets!
CHEESE!
TRAPS!
Little black eyes
Scampering
Furry

All too recognizable to me.

Now....

overall I liked this poem. It was cutesy in a rather morbid sort of way. At the same time I feel like the author is alluding to something grander perhaps than just a mouse in a house or plurally, mice in a hice, scenario. What that is I am not certain. I could definitely read something into the specific use of "L arms" to connotate(I know, I know, it's connote) a trap. I could expound but won't unless asked.

I mainly want to comment on the writing and what I liked and didn't.

"Simple Tinys".....makes me think simpleton, but that could just be me. Not sure I'm in love with this.

I rather like the first part but I didn't care for

make houses in homes
of renters paying angry -
to boxed cereal
and toiletry eatings

because I'm not sure who's paying angry to who,
who are the renters here?, the simple tinys?, are they "paying angry" to their unwilling hosts or are their unwilling hosts "paying angry" to the simple tinys for their destructive deeds? I'd really like that cleared up. It's very confusing to me and thus frustrating because I can see it's got good potential. I like the idea of it being their "garden of eden", "free buffet". If I read it as "line-feeding" with a hyphen I can picture the little buggers all lined up delightfully feasting....but frankly without that hyphen I'm not sure about that line. Am I being clear? Probably not!

I love this middle part! The way I'm taking it, which is literally, it all makes perfect sense. It's got a nice murderous rhythm to it. Also, if I wanted to get all deep and profound I could take it as a metaphor for something else. Would you like me to do that? It would get all convoluted, I can read things into all sorts of things.

Anyway...

I'm not sure if the last part is necessary.
It reminds me of a sort of "Aesop's Fables" ending....you know, the moral of the story. But it also makes me look back at what you've written and wonder if I was mistaken to take it literally, perhaps there is more here than meets the eye.

To sum up...

I enjoyed the read
Liked the rhythm
I hit some rough spots that fouled me up but I wanted to venture on despite.
And you did leave me wondering if I was missing something, a bigger picture, that's always good, making the reader wonder.

Not a disappointing read at all.
I'd be very interested to read it again after a few more edits.
I'd love to hear the author illucidate, shed some light on his poem.


Critiquer's note: I am not very good at this critiqueing biz (could you tell?) But it's good practise for me. Thanks for the opportunity. I hope I was relatively clear. My mind is a jumble, sometimes it's hard for me to unjumble enough for to make others understand.

Hiya,


Doreen:

"I'm thinking of ants and gnats and little buzzers that annoy human beings. Bees, maybe. Tiny sweat bees. Flies which bite you on the beach. Little buggers. Small by themselves, but in a swarm, noisy."

Actually when I first started writing this is was going to be about a whole whack of different little critters, but I kinda was trying to project mice being the culprits, with my use of the words -- pitter, patters, furry, scampering (and my iffy attempt at describing a mouse trap).

"I'm not sure if you should spell them "tinies." It's clever to take an adjective like tiny and turn it into a noun. I like to do that myself, sometimes."

Hmmm, dunno, I kinda like Tinys...not only because I'm hoping it brings a bit more meaning to the thought of the word, but also esthetically I find it more appealing than tinies.

"First off, the rhythm of this piece gets much better toward the middle and end. This first stanza is a bit of a struggle for me to read, because the rhythm doesn't seem natural, probably because it's not natural to use the word "tiny" as a noun."

Yeah I hear ya, the first stanza is kinda fucked with its meter and stresses in the last couple lines. I wrote this poem a few years ago and each time I read it I stumble myself...but I'm having trouble finding a good replacement for those lines.

"If you were an ant, you'd deserve to eat, too, and invading someone's cereal boxes or toiletries would be like heaven to you, like Eden. But you are considered a pest. "

Exactly...aside from your interpretation of the pests at work, you pretty much nailed down what i was trying to convey throughout most of the poem...which makes me happy, that I at least partially succeeded...though I think a lot of the wording needs work to help with the flow....perhaps another hint towards mice as well?

"As I said, "cheese-trapped" should be hyphenated. But cheese-trapped catchers? Ya got me there, Trevor. What are the catchers? They have L-arms? ( again, hyphenated)"

I think the hypens are a good idea....perhaps also I may reword L-arms into -- doubled L-arms or paired L- arms...ehhh I dunno...gotta think on a good way to say mouse trap without saying mouse trap..lol

"I love the rhythm of this stanza and the echoes. the consonance and alliteration.... very nice!"

Thanks, that was pretty much my main goal with the whole poem...i wanted to play with sound and words more so than anything else....but I think only the mid section had a decent flow...the rest is a bit clunky.

"My mind went there. Some people feel small and insignificant; unimportant, useless, without a true place where they are welcome. "

This is another great reason to love literature...I never intended the perspective of people feeling this way too...but I think that interpretation totally works as well....though not my intent, how can I argue it when it makes sense...the theme I guess I was shooting for was human arrogance to just take life of all those things smaller than us, like mice, without a second thought.

"Trevor, I think it would be much stronger if you wrote "stomp" instead of "stomping." Ive been working on losing my ings and it's been helpful. If the entire last stanza lost the "ings", it would work better for me."

I really liked these suggestions and the reworked stanza...except I didn't think the second last line had a smooth flow without the "ings"...but the rest of it worked better I think. I might just chop off the ending like Mousey suggested...don't know yet.

"This piece of poetry, though, has much merit in what you are trying to do with the language, but it falls short with getting the message out, to me, at least, because I had to dig so hard to get to it."

Well you made it seem pretty easy with your interpretation...but I agree with you it falls short of getting the message out...I think if you had to dig a lot to get anything out of it, it was due to a lack of substance and perhaps I concentrated too much on rhythm and word play. Maybe I'll take Mousey's advice, lose the last stanza and put in another that is still playful, but delivers more info to the reader.

" think this one has a lot of potential to be better, especially a little more clear and rhythmic. To me, it was like you tried too hard to fill it with imagery"

Yeah I'm sometimes guilty of trying to fill in too much imagery to the point where my writing becomes clunky because of it.

Anyways Doreen, thanks so much for your help and input. You did a great job with the poem.


Mousy:

Some of your comments I've already addressed in the reply to Doreen so my apologies if I'm not as thorough with your response

"because I'm not sure who's paying angry to who,
who are the renters here?, the simple tinys?, are they "paying angry" to their unwilling hosts or are their unwilling hosts "paying angry" to the simple tinys for their destructive deeds? "

Great point. I'm so used to seeing it in the poem that I've never seen how flawed that part is...what I was trying to say poetically is -- people paying their rent, but angrily, because they have mices in their hices...definitely have to rework that section.

"I'm not sure if the last part is necessary.
It reminds me of a sort of "Aesop's Fables" ending....you know, the moral of the story."

Another good point that I never considered. Now that you mention it, I do think it comes across as sorta preachy and let me tell ya the moral of the story type of way...perhaps far too blatant a message ...although rhythmically I do kinda like the last stanza. I think I may chop it off and put in a different stanza altogether.

"Critiquer's note: I am not very good at this critiqueing biz (could you tell?) But it's good practise for me."

What? Both you and Doreen did a fantastic job with the critique and interpretation...I couldn't ask for more...you both really helped me out with this poem and honestly, I think if I incorperate some suggestions you both gave, it will improve the poem a lot.

Anyways I must run, thanks again, take care.

Trev

Hi, just thought I'd post a revised version of the poem based upon some aspects of the crits I recieved. Thanks again.

Simple tinys designed
to hide and be hidden,
tiny in one by noise,
for many – noisey in manys,
make houses in homes
of homemakers housed
and find merry cozy
in feeding themselves
to cereal crumblies
and toiletry eatings –
a free simple tiny
free tiny feasting.

Cheese-trapped catchers –
L-arms to hug too snug,
snap into action when their spring is sprung
and wring away till necks are rung,
and tongues are hung
beneath black eyes
that see loss of light
for a simple tiny’s scampered life.

The clickity furry pitters
and clackity scurry patters
hind walls and above heads –
quietly quieted, quietly dead.

I like this version much better.

I do think this

to cereal crumblies

should be this

on cereal crumblies

I also preferred

L arms that hug too snug

and

in a simple tiny's scampered life

all knit picky things to be sure.

The ending is much better I think.

All in all a damned cute poem.

And just this morning when I stomped savagely on a "simple tiny" I thought of this poem....and smiled sweetly....before disposing of the body.

Nit picky for sure But very useful again. Thanks for all your help with this and giving the revision another read.