Celestibate! Incubate!

[mtmynd]

Celestibate! Incubate!


tell me you have
all the answers~
questions of futility plague me;
rampant actions dissolute with wonder
feeling the beast within
panting in paradox rhythms
unnerving wax pillars
melting with anticipation
into pools of reflective yawn,
swallowing the bordellos
of sleazy thought running
naked in streets of black leather
buckles scarring the two-toned flesh.

I stretch the hands of time
into silver barbed wire
cutting the moments off
whilst the cross shadow creases
the folds of discourse betraying
the huddled glob of pastel fear
that has desecrated the icons
once held to the glimmering of
eyes opened to anything white.

going down
going down
going
d
o
w
n
into oceans crying
for earths embrace -
i yell "drown!"
and lean over
gutters running foul
with morphs thru grates
that inhale insanity
and i spit shit deep
into the eye of death.

macabre i nod
and fall into
a deep thunder -
ricocheting
eternally in rap,
my mind no longer
computes in color
while my hands
lose their grip
around the throat
of suicidal abundance.

jehovah spread your cheeks!
your willful lies destroy joy
contorting hope into grief
one long tear at a time...
running from the truth
upon paths strewn with
shards of mediocrity.

celestibate! time stands
and i fall away in delight
chewing the cud of biblical
passages tossed by king james
to the spiritual hungry crawling
on all fours across their
own fucking reflections

my soul in deep incubation
awaiting its rebirth -
i know eternity and
eternity knows no boundary...


cecil

[mousey1]

Terriffic poem mtmynd!

I don't know what Celestibate means but tis no real matter.

First verse full of wonderful phrasings! I loved "into pools of reflective yawn". I presume you meant black leather buckles scarring the two-toned flesh and not scaring, yes?

Second verse, also nice. You meant whilst in the fourth line I assume. I didn't care for "huddled" and "glob" together, I dunno, maybe it will grow on me. I had a bit of difficulty with the reading of the last three lines in this verse, since you're not using punctuation I wonder if a little different line breaking would help me get the gist.

Third verse is jam packed with strength of feeling, I like that.
"morph thru grates"? I looked up morph so that helps. I'm wondering why you chose to spell thru that way...I don't think it fits this piece...was it just laziness ....through....I think you should spell it out man!
A powerful verse tho.

Fourth verse....frankly I think I can live without this verse. It really adds nothing and indeed almost doesn't seem to fit in as nicely as all the rest. Are you really attached to it?

Your final three verses are marvelous. You finish very strongly. I especially love, love, love....

passages tossed by king james
to the spiritual hungry crawling
on all fours across their
own fucking reflections

FUCKING MAHVELOUS!!!!!!

Just an aside....
What's with the usage of small i's? i never did understand that. i think it's ridiculous..... maybe it's just i. Do you use the small i's to make a statement about the insignificance of the i within the web of i's. or in this case is it just laziness on the part of the i?
i would like to know!

All in all mtmynd this is a wonderful piece. I really enjoyed the read and thank you for sharing it. I molded this piece to me and walked away with a lot.....

Great writing!


ps: this is my second try at critiquing this!
My first version, which, by the way, was wayyyyyy much better than this one, was
.....excuse the cursing and shouting...

FUCKING LOST IN THE FUCKING AIR SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!

But I tried again and apparently success.
submit

ps again....perhaps you wish it had stayed lost!!!!!

[mtmynd]

Mousey -

You caught my mis-spell! I shall correct it as soon as I (capital!) finish with this reply to your reply...

'Celistibate" - a word that came to me in a flash. I read the word as a conjuction (is that right?) between 'celestial' and the 'bate' as in 'incubate'... in other words - incubating within the celestial.. we are all 'star stuff' growing with each passing life we live.

You're probably correct about 'huddled' and 'glob' together, but this was one of my SoC's ('stream of consciousness' pieces that sometimes roar outta my head without warning. hah!) But in another way, the 'pastel fear' (passive and light), huddled together (mulitple colors) into a 'glob'... at least I think that was the association.

"morph" - yes, this is rather clumsy. Perhaps pluralizing it would make it more readable..? Or even 'thru' instead of 'with' that preceeded 'morph'..? I'll switch that and maybe you can 'feedback me', eh? 'Morph' is the 21st century definition, btw.. at least intended.

4th verse - the first line, "macabre i nod" altho peculiar, I did like the sound of those (3) words together. And the rest - 'falling into a deep thunder' was contrary to (to me) the expected 'falling into a deep sleep' ... the 'thunder' being the opposite image, and being like thunder shattering the stillness in some way. Altho not in any way a 'magnificent 4th passage', I was conveying the contrast between 'thunder ricocheting eternally in rap' (like music rap)and the 'loss of the grip around the throat (speech) of the ease of suicide, i.e., in thinking about it ... the 'abundance' meaning the mulitple thoughts... the loss of the grip signifying the relaxing of the idea. Whatcha think about that?

The final verse - well, it is short! Maybe a dash after 'rebirth' would ask for a slight pause then continuing with the other (2) lines...? I knda liked those last two - the 'i know' and 'eternity knows'. Try that again and let me know.

I really enjoyed your assessment of this piece and do appreciate the time you've taken to respond. Wonderful!! I am so glad that you got something out of it, Mousey, really.

O! The 'i' deal - something about writing SoC... and taking the time to hit the shift button while typing... a slowing down of the thought train. But you are right. If others are going to read this it is a good thing to avoid such things, small I's and lack of punctuation... those do hamper a reader's flow, don't they? Again, I will adjust those little things thanks to you.

Thx again!

[Have you read my current Sunday Stream? See what you think.]

[mousey1]

Ah, yes, this reads much better I think.

If memory serves correct I can see some subtle but effective changes.

I still think thru should be through but that's a knit pick.

And you know, am I crazy(don't answer that!), but that fourth verse reads just fine now....hmmmm....I likey now.

I still have a glaring problem with the reading of these three lines

that has desecrated the icons
once held onto the glimmer of
eyes opened to anything white

what do you think? Is it me?


Yes i's are for sissys, a strong proud I is almost always in order...unless it's in insignificant!



You've done well grasshopper. I wish I could whip my poems into shape so quickly.


Now thanks for the explanation of "celestibate". My mind chewed on it for awhile. There are many bates and el sicko here, meaning me, was playing with one of them in particular....if you get my gist....and to the detriment of your made up word. I like made up words myself but sometimes the meaning is not clear but to only the maker upper I also like to write badly...as in the previous sentence...and then tell people it's intentional when in fact and truth it is really just bad writing on my part. ...but I digress!

Celestibate - "incubating within the celestial" - is very clever... how did I ever miss it!!!....and it sounds very right to me. I like that....hmmm....I like celestibation even better! Let's call Merriam-Webster!


Thanks for hearing me mtmynd....I don't feel like I was whistling through my, er, er, hat!

[mtmynd]

You're a real hoot, mousey! I like your style. Would you perhaps be a Monkey, in the Chinese Astrology dealy that is...?

I'm going to correct that clumsy passage you pointed out - I think you're perfectly right with that one (too). It does read awkwardly... I must agree.

And the 'celestibate' word... I have trouble at times describing words that pop into me head... it's like speaking a foreign language, but the only foreigner is me! Yikes!! I have been known to come up with 'new' words for the titles of my paintings, which makes sense to me seeing that the painting is 'made up', if you will. O, well...

Thanx again, kiddo! I appreciate it (again)!

Cecil