...

[stilltrucking]

I don't know if you saw the bit I deleted, I think not because I think I deleted it before I posted the above. post. It spooked me it was so honest and revealing. It was about a time in a red neck bar somewhere up on I-35 in Iowa or Minnesota.
I started out by saying you would have never got that black eye if I would have been there.

I am thinking about whether I want to re post it. How honest can we be with each other.
And where and why do I spend so much of my life scribbling here.

Ok I will try
I was in a bar and a man put his hands around a woman's throat. He was just standing there resting his hands on her throat and looking into her eyes. He was not choking her just had his hands on her throat. I walked over and pulled his arms off of her and stood between them. No I said. And they both nodded and I walked away. I wonder what kind of crazy son bitch they thought me. Weird just really weird.

I look back on it now and it gives me the willies. Was I being heroic, or just crazy? I don't know. And I don't know what it has to do with this thread. Which I think started down on scooter's trailer park thread when I razzed you.

sorry about the ramble.
I don't know what poison you speak of. Not really, just a bunch of freudian shit running around in my brain.

I don't know if you saw the bit I deleted, I think not because I think I deleted it before I posted the above. post. It spooked me it was so honest and revealing. It was about a time in a red neck bar somewhere up on I-35 in Iowa or Minnesota.
I started out by saying you would have never got that black eye if I would have been there.

I am thinking about whether I want to re post it. How honest can we be with each other.
And where and why do I spend so much of my life scribbling here.

Ok I will try
I was in a bar and a man put his hands around a woman's throat. He was just standing there resting his hands on her throat and looking into her eyes. He was not choking her just had his hands on her throat. I walked over and pulled his arms off of her and stood between them. No I said. And they both nodded and I walked away. I wonder what kind of crazy son bitch they thought me. Weird just really weird.

I look back on it now and it gives me the willies. Was I being heroic, or just crazy? I don't know. And I don't know what it has to do with this thread. Which I think started down on scooter's trailer park thread when I razzed you.

sorry about the ramble.
I don't know what poison you speak of. Not really, just a bunch of freudian shit running around in my brain.

I don't know why it was so spooky, I think they were having an argument.

I don't know what came over me. I think it was a flashback. I have never thought about killing a woman or a child. But there have been several men I put real thought into. I am so grateful that I have never killed anyone. But I always got along with the combat veterans I drove with. I mean you spend a couple weeks cooped up in a truck with someone you get to know each other. And there has to be a certain about of trust, nothing like being in combat but still to layback there and go to sleep in a truck going seventy miles down a mountain road takes some confidence in your partner.

I just can't imagine why a woman would want to be beat on. Why anyone would.
I have to think about it some more.
second time you mentioned that black eye. Not sure if it is the same one or not.
I am glad you are okay.
now.
I hope

I don't know why it was so spooky, I think they were having an argument.

I don't know what came over me. I think it was a flashback. I have never thought about killing a woman or a child. But there have been several men I put real thought into. I am so grateful that I have never killed anyone. But I always got along with the combat veterans I drove with. I mean you spend a couple weeks cooped up in a truck with someone you get to know each other. And there has to be a certain about of trust, nothing like being in combat but still to layback there and go to sleep in a truck going seventy miles down a mountain road takes some confidence in your partner.

I just can't imagine why a woman would want to be beat on. Why anyone would.
I have to think about it some more.
second time you mentioned that black eye. Not sure if it is the same one or not.
I am glad you are okay.
now.
I hope

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stilltrucking
Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 12:25 am Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post Delete this post
resident prime8 Joined: 24 Oct 2004 Posts: 13434 Location: Oz or Kansas. I am not sure.
I don't know if I should take these away from here.
Continue on my artlog

I could not love a woman that wanted me to beat on her to get her aroused if that is what the poison is.

I never wanted to act out any woman's erotic fantascies for her. I am not a generous lover. Maybe that is why in my seven decades I have only fucked seven women.

What I wanted was to pin everyone of them to the mattres with my penis. Love her like my back bone was her own.

Silent woman would have her way in a way because we always seem to act out what ever art chick flick she took me to see. I never realized that until years later.



But nothing was ever said about it. But we would wind up doing the last tango in paris if that is what we just saw.

[SadLuckDame]

Oh here it poofed to.
And here's my long-winded reply.
My apologies.

The poison referring to that black leather belt, the hair pulling or ripping rather, the devils cast out when I was but young and innocent--plus especially scared to think I'd had demons in me, because I'd not noticed them there, etc.

I guess it'd be a similar 'poison' to your basement? Somehow it got in my system, into my blood, at times it's there no matter how much I've attempted to bury it. And my father likewise, his beatings...then my Grandma with her poisoned blood from her monster brother (she was the youngest of 11 and he the oldest). It gets in the system, poisons a bit and sometimes it's there.

It showed it's self to me when the x didn't react the way I'd guess I've been raised to expect. I couldn't trust the non-reaction. In non-reaction was paranoia. He wouldn't boil up to me, instead he'd become sneaky and break into my e-mails or look at my history on the computer, or go into my writings. He became softer too, which totally threw me off balance.

I'd be on defense fully and he'd sit down and say, "You need to calm down, no need to yell, relax. Tell me if you feel emotionally involved. Tell me if you're cheating. Do you still love me? I haven't raised my voice. You're the only one going nuts. I love you and hate to see you in this condition. Maybe you need help?"He did as my mother, not my father and I was so mixed up waiting for the hot head, expecting a hot head and what I found was I became paranoid waiting for what poisoned me.
Isn't that funny?

I didn't recognize it at the time. I couldn't deal with his acting like my mother and thought I could only deal with him if he became similar sort as my father.

O.K. writing this has me knowing how twisted I am. I better stop saying this stuff. I am better now. I'm not dealing with any of this any longer, and so I don't know why I'm releasing it.

~I'd missed that before you'd edited, so I'm glad to be able to read it. It's heroic, sure. Every girl likes a hero, but there's just not many about. It was the right thing in any scenario.

But, incase you're asking me "Do I think she'd liked his hands on her throat?" That's a tough question. Obviously not, no women want abused, but on a side note, some women may know it enough that it is sort of a comfort zone, because they know the territory and what to expect, they're built more so to deal with it in a way. Oh man, that's sad to even say it. This could go for men as well.
It's sad.
To be able to heal that would be better.

I'll put me on the line with this.
I'm built to be defensive, extremely defensive at times that in order to survive my mind entertains extreme thoughts of self-defense...even killing if I must, my mind will go there and has.

To put a girl like me in a relationship with a good hearted guy is awkward, cause I don't know how to react with him. I go looking for my battle stance, but he's not taking one. It causes a confusion and I feel out of place. I even create, purposely create, challenges, to feel I've a handle on my environment, to feel more at home in a way. Which I did constantly to the x.

No I don't want abused, nor any of that bad temper, but I was sort of designed for it as far as manners and reactions go until recently. So I don't find I fit in in relationships. I refuse to be beat--I will not be in a corner and on the flip side I create arguments, even strange, odd arguments if I feel out of place in a good one.
I'm suited to be independent, as far as I know.
I'm in it to heal it.
I've a lot to learn still.

[stilltrucking]

The only times in my life I have ever done anything that was heroic is when I was not trying to act heroic. Just something that happened. And later I would reflect on it and marvel that a coward like me could have been so brave.

Going to read your post again when I wake up

I been neglecting my journal. Going to try again tonight. Last Stream of the Year by Ceicl, and Artguy's last painting of the year. Check them out.

I found another real treasure tonight. Norman Mallory who posted here ans Zlatko The Waterman told me about the poet William Stafford four years ago and I just got around to reading the link.

Ask Me
http://www.williamstafford.org/spoems/index.html

Love that poem

going to read it again before I lay down

good night

[SadLuckDame]

I don't see a coward.
You face me daily and most would never. I'm a crazy lady.

I see a lot of guts in your posts. I see a man running wildly to streak the forest in a fog. It's not important the fog, but that you've guts to go it. It's Adam and Eve knowing they're naked, and you know you are too, but you run the forest.
I think it's brave to talk.

What a poem.
When the river goes icy.
I still beat the ice on the pond to get my catfish to respond to me. He's there in any climate. And then I've a friend.
Sleep well.

[SadLuckDame]

I could not sleep until I told you
it is heroic Jack.

[stilltrucking]

I still don't know if it was heroic or crazy. Thinking about Buk sitting on a couch with his wife and she saying something with a grin on her face and him starting to kick the shit out of her she getting up and running he getting up ready to chase her? Not sure must not have been serious. In another video made years later she talked about how the camera man did nothing to stop it. She smiled that same grin while describing what good cinema they the film makers thoght it was. They were not going to do anything to help and ruin an artistic moment.

Mean while I was searching down through my posts for something and noticed I did not get come back to your reply.



I was looking for a post about Ludwig Wittgenstein. so I could post this bit to it

"In Berlin", remarked the Austrian satirist Karl Kraus, "things are serious but not hopeless.
In Vienna they are hopeless but not serious."



Mystic Mechanic

I found that bit while I was Goggling for Mystic Mechanic.
Kind of reminds of the current world situation.

never could be your big boss man
but maybe I could be your friendly neighbor on the net the
Jumper Cable Man