The Cowardly Dolphins
Posted: January 5th, 2007, 11:48 am
She climbed into bed smelling like a broken bottle of Rumpleminze. After teasing me with a new bag of goodies before hiding it in the dresser, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and squeezed my pinkie ring. We talked for a while about religion.
"God isnt dead," we came to realize. I've been listening to Tom Waits' new album repeatedly since Christmas morning. "God is in therapy," I said. "He's made some horrible mistakes, trying to follow his heart, but getting in bed with the wrong people." Instant gratification for God takes centuries for onlookers to endure.
"I think He needs to switch His medication," I said. "He's lost, confused, angry about His upbringing and still holding a grudge against men, and not men as 'humanity,' but simply the gender."
We've done a great job of fucking things up for the big guy. It's not all our fault. It's not like we started from scratch, from the very beginning we've had to deal with volcanoes and monsters with sharp teeth, real and imagined.
But that is no excuse for letting the Giants into the playoffs, or continuing to allow Marty Schottenheimer to be a leader of men. Lets not discuss how a Navy officer is any more qualified to lead ground forces in the disaster that is America's 2007 update of Iraq, intended to repair security flaws and cut down on hacks, than Harriet Miers was to make decisions involving water-bound babies or eminent domain. I'm beginning, after all, to believe the fools who believe in George W. Bush because, as they like to say, "at least he's a man of convictions." He makes decisions and he sticks with them. The more I get into God's head, the more I realize that His biggest mistake was, in providing us the everyday common list of multiple choice answers for us to live by, including "None of the above" among the possible selections.
The greatest failure of men and women alike is the fear to make a decision.
The next great failure is our inexplicable inability to own up to the decisions we do eventually make.
I dont even know why head coaches or anyone else for that matter holds news conferences anymore. Lets not talk about John McCain's obvious hypocrisy in describing the Iraq invasion in 2003 compared to his reinvention of his 2003 belief of the Iraq invasion this week. Or about Dick Cheney's continuing whirlwind of lies caught on tape like your ugly neighbor's hot daughter on Girls Gone Wild.
After all, those things are obvious. Only the most dimwitted and frightened people are able to convince themselves that what they hear today from McCain and Cheney and Bush and Rice and the whole slimy lot of them is for real.
But it was only a few days before I listened, for the first time, to Tom Waits' "Road to Peace," perhaps his first overtly political song in his career, that Nick Saban angrily and stubbornly, and with the kind of great disdain usually monopolized by the likes of Bush and Cheney, pretended to want nothing to do with the state of Alabama or its football program. And two days ago, he took the job, hours after wrapping up another awful season with the Miami Dolphins. His behavior turned even Wayne Huizenga into a man needing sympathy. Poor rich Wayne was brought to his knees by the dead loyalty of his former coach, and he had to beg his room of reporters for advice on what to do next.
Al David would never do that. Al Davis will hire Billy Martin to coach the Raiders before he asks the press for advice. With George Steinbrenner sticking with one manager for a decade, I expect to see big poor Art Shell kicking dirt at the replay officials in two years. Al used to be able to make decisions, but that was when he had a living, breathing circle of friends and companions. Now, he's quivering like Wayne Huizenga, both men lost and confused, unable to trust themselves anymore. Unable to manage, unable to lead, unable to win.
Nick Saban knew how to win when he was coaching kids. But two years ago he made a decision and signed a contract he couldnt live up to. So he went in search of a fix. He got the fix, but he couldnt admit it in public, too ashamed for words. His father, Lou, must be ashamed of poor rich Nick. Lou knew how to be a leader of men. In his old age, he wisely decided to coach kids, to teach and mold. But Nick's decision to try the NFL was simply wrong and he didnt have the courage to finish his commitment or to even admit his indecision and then his new decision.
God wasnt afraid of making decisions. He chose who He chose and He's obviously sticking with it. And it's been sheer disaster ever since. It's getting to God, I can tell. It's going to be almost 70 degrees tomorrow in parts of the northeast United States of America. Struggling with the
after-effects of His grand commitments, God is taking it out on the polar bears, but at least He's not reneging on the choices He made.
So lets not talk about war. Lets focus on sports, where at least our liars only lose games.
"God isnt dead," we came to realize. I've been listening to Tom Waits' new album repeatedly since Christmas morning. "God is in therapy," I said. "He's made some horrible mistakes, trying to follow his heart, but getting in bed with the wrong people." Instant gratification for God takes centuries for onlookers to endure.
"I think He needs to switch His medication," I said. "He's lost, confused, angry about His upbringing and still holding a grudge against men, and not men as 'humanity,' but simply the gender."
We've done a great job of fucking things up for the big guy. It's not all our fault. It's not like we started from scratch, from the very beginning we've had to deal with volcanoes and monsters with sharp teeth, real and imagined.
But that is no excuse for letting the Giants into the playoffs, or continuing to allow Marty Schottenheimer to be a leader of men. Lets not discuss how a Navy officer is any more qualified to lead ground forces in the disaster that is America's 2007 update of Iraq, intended to repair security flaws and cut down on hacks, than Harriet Miers was to make decisions involving water-bound babies or eminent domain. I'm beginning, after all, to believe the fools who believe in George W. Bush because, as they like to say, "at least he's a man of convictions." He makes decisions and he sticks with them. The more I get into God's head, the more I realize that His biggest mistake was, in providing us the everyday common list of multiple choice answers for us to live by, including "None of the above" among the possible selections.
The greatest failure of men and women alike is the fear to make a decision.
The next great failure is our inexplicable inability to own up to the decisions we do eventually make.
I dont even know why head coaches or anyone else for that matter holds news conferences anymore. Lets not talk about John McCain's obvious hypocrisy in describing the Iraq invasion in 2003 compared to his reinvention of his 2003 belief of the Iraq invasion this week. Or about Dick Cheney's continuing whirlwind of lies caught on tape like your ugly neighbor's hot daughter on Girls Gone Wild.
After all, those things are obvious. Only the most dimwitted and frightened people are able to convince themselves that what they hear today from McCain and Cheney and Bush and Rice and the whole slimy lot of them is for real.
But it was only a few days before I listened, for the first time, to Tom Waits' "Road to Peace," perhaps his first overtly political song in his career, that Nick Saban angrily and stubbornly, and with the kind of great disdain usually monopolized by the likes of Bush and Cheney, pretended to want nothing to do with the state of Alabama or its football program. And two days ago, he took the job, hours after wrapping up another awful season with the Miami Dolphins. His behavior turned even Wayne Huizenga into a man needing sympathy. Poor rich Wayne was brought to his knees by the dead loyalty of his former coach, and he had to beg his room of reporters for advice on what to do next.
Al David would never do that. Al Davis will hire Billy Martin to coach the Raiders before he asks the press for advice. With George Steinbrenner sticking with one manager for a decade, I expect to see big poor Art Shell kicking dirt at the replay officials in two years. Al used to be able to make decisions, but that was when he had a living, breathing circle of friends and companions. Now, he's quivering like Wayne Huizenga, both men lost and confused, unable to trust themselves anymore. Unable to manage, unable to lead, unable to win.
Nick Saban knew how to win when he was coaching kids. But two years ago he made a decision and signed a contract he couldnt live up to. So he went in search of a fix. He got the fix, but he couldnt admit it in public, too ashamed for words. His father, Lou, must be ashamed of poor rich Nick. Lou knew how to be a leader of men. In his old age, he wisely decided to coach kids, to teach and mold. But Nick's decision to try the NFL was simply wrong and he didnt have the courage to finish his commitment or to even admit his indecision and then his new decision.
God wasnt afraid of making decisions. He chose who He chose and He's obviously sticking with it. And it's been sheer disaster ever since. It's getting to God, I can tell. It's going to be almost 70 degrees tomorrow in parts of the northeast United States of America. Struggling with the
after-effects of His grand commitments, God is taking it out on the polar bears, but at least He's not reneging on the choices He made.
So lets not talk about war. Lets focus on sports, where at least our liars only lose games.
