Bears eat horses for dinner, and other stories

The vapor trail of some kind of energy, gathered by Firsty for your reading pleasure
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firsty
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Bears eat horses for dinner, and other stories

Post by firsty » February 2nd, 2007, 4:32 pm

I always enjoy finding a new drug combination. Drugs are fun, sure. But the best times are had when you properly mix and match. I won’t go into details. But I’ve been tired lately, and so I bought some Ginseng tablets from the grocery store, the maximum dosage allowed by labels or FDA, and it was time for my pain medication, and so now I have a new drug combination which is making me stare at my fingers.

Big Things are happening right before our eyes. The new NFL commish is making off-the-field conduct by his professional athletes the First Big Thing of his so-far career in the Big Chair at the Big USA Professional Sports League. I think thats a bad idea, because professional athletes should not be expected to be role models any more than professional journalists should be role models. A rare exception was Molly Ivins, who set a standard for professional journalists which will never be matched. Real Professional Journalists these days are out chasing Lite Brites and dangling wires. Well, not really. The cops are. And then our Professional Journalists, probably hopped up on Ginseng and Vicodin are madly hammering away at their 19th-century typewriters. They are following in the footsteps of some of the best writers of creative prose by retyping the works of their favorite authors. Thats how Gonzo did it, by retyping Hemingway.

Only our Professional Journalists arent retyping anything written by real authors. They are retyping the press releases and urgent Code Red bulletins from the Boston Police Department. This is what happens when the Patriots dont make it to the Super Bowl.

I’m not going to make it to the Super Bowl, either. I dont have a press pass, but I wouldnt have needed one. If anyone knows how to get around Miami in the middle of winter, it’s your intrepid reporter, Firsty. I can do what no other reporter can do. It’s not enough to broadcast from The Clevelander or across the sandy street from the Versace mansion. You need to get all the way inside to Dolphins Stadium and bring the real message of the game to the world. Unfortunately, I’m stranded in southern Pennsylvania, trapped by a thousand striking Harley Davidson factory workers, shouting in the streets about unfair pay and benefits. This is America, and there are more important things going on than world events and football.

If you live in Cincinnati, Ohio, you’re intimately familiar with the crime rate of your local sports team. And the National Football League is very concerned. We cant have our athletes involved in violent crime, at least not the B-list ones. Ray Lewis is one thing, but real crime by real people who happen to wear funny pants on Sundays in the Fall is an entirely different beast, which deserves the attention of all available resources.

When, really, our national resources should be lining up stretch limousines and a full, well-armed entourage, to get Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets to the NBA All-Star Game. I know to capitalize every word of “NBA All-Star Game” because NBA licensing is very strict about these things and I will lose my license to purchase NBA-sanctioned marijuana if I dont remember to include all of their semantic requirements when writing about them. Carmelo punched a guy in New York City, which is getting him banned from the Game. Very serious business, for the League’s leading scorer. Who hasnt punched a guy in New York City? Most of us would probably like to go to New York City, in fact, just to punch someone. Not me, though. I know that New York City is the center of the known world, and I’m a pacifist, which is precisely why I dont attend NBA Regular Season or Playoff Games at Madison Square Garden.

Yes, Carmelo should have known better. And so should have half of the Cincinnati Bengals, before they got into trouble. But the NBA has bigger problems, like its voters bringing Shaq to the NBA All-Star Game despite playing only a handful of games this year. And the NFL certainly has more important things to worry about than the off-the-field behavior of some of its players.

If the NBA and NFL were really concerned about these kinds of antics, theyd be where all intrepid reporters should be, and it’s not trapped in lower Pennsylvania by a bunch of angry, out of work Hells Angels. It’s sitting in the courtroom watching Scooter Libby bring down our administration. Because once the real criminals are actually out on the streets instead of in the highest elected offices of the country, Professional Football and Basketball Players everywhere are really going to be in trouble. With Bush and Cheney roaming our neighborhoods with their Truly Dangerous Drugs and Unlicensed Weapons, safe havens for large black men will be hard to come by.

This is the Golden Age for lawlessness in America, but time is running out. Enjoy it while you can.

So while I stare at my fingers as they somehow work the keyboard magic, I come to the realization that the Bears are going to win the Super Bowl. It simply fits. That doesnt mean you shouldnt watch the Big Game, though. If even just for Prince.
and knowing i'm so eager to fight cant make letting me in any easier.

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