I Bleed

[roxybeast]

I’m Sad.

Had a show at a local bookstore & coffee shop tonight. I’d sent e-mails to about 200 folks several times, posted 2 or 3 myspace bulletins to several hundred myspace friends. I had played several open mics, and had even played at a festival, to a 100+ folks, many of whom came up to me afterwards and told me they liked my playing or my voice, etc.; I even handed out flyers to remind folks about the show at the festival and open mics. The show was free, … no cover charge. It’s a cool venue, very eclectic.

Showed up. Other than the staff, there were 3 folks there. One was listening to headphones. Played to the other two. They commented they really liked this or that. Took a set break. They left. Played my ass off to no one. Played the best version of Tuesday’s Gone I’ve ever played, even morphed it into Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door. Poured my heart out. So dripping with emotion that I was even crying during that performance … to no one. One disinterested guy working behind the coffee counter.

I wasn’t perfect tonight, but I am getting closer. Better. My voice is really getting better, and so is my guitar playing. Makes me feel good to get better. Would love to share this gift with some appreciative fans. Folks are saying they really like it, … of course, none of them show up …. for a free show … the 3 that do tell me they love it. One of the staff told me she was excited when she found out that I was going to play.

I would love to share this gift with the world. I just want to play to some folks that are appreciative. I really don’t know what it is. I try hard to be honest. I may make an honest mistake about facts, but I’m usually quick to own up to them, take responsibility and even apologize. Most folks don’t. I bend over backwards to help folks for free, often to my own financial detriment. I help promote other musicians for free, take really nice photos of them for free, put together some cool videos for them. Not really looking for anything. Would love it if they built up some fans, got some exposure. Wonder why almost none of them ever ask me to open for them or tell folks about my shows, … could make up some guess here, but really have no idea. Maybe I’m just the laughing stock of the local neighborhood, you know that guy everybody makes fun of or just loves to hate. I don’t really deserve that, but have no clue what to do about such. Maybe folks heard me a couple of years ago and formed a bad opinion, but hell, last summer I was being picked by the paper as a show to go see, … and the reality is that my voice and playing is twice as good now as it was then, and now they won’t even pick me.

Maybe it’s that I dress weird, but my philosophy, which is actually pretty cool (I think) is that you should be free to dress and express yourself how you want to and so should I. We should tolerate and even relish such freedom of expression. Of course, I guess folks in the “in” crowd can make fun of that to fit in. But it applies to them too. I quote Albert Einstein on my myspace site on the subject of free expression and tolerance because I believe it, … it is central to my core. I wish that it was central to everyone else’s too.

I know I’m getting better. I can hear it. It’s fairly obvious. Not all the time. I still make mistakes, but I’m a hell of a lot better at covering them up. There are folks better than me on guitar, or on vocals, but I’m getting pretty damn good. There are lots of folks getting lots of shows, lots of fans, who can’t do what I can do, but I guess that’s how it goes. Word will spread. Eventually things will turn around. So I continue to hope. And continue to practice. And play to 3 or 4 folks, or to no one, with my soul.

If anyone reads this, and no one may, just know: I bleed. I cry. I love. I am.

[Lightning Rod]

RB,
I can't tell you how many times I've played to the walls
be undeterred, my son, The Walls Have Ears

[roxybeast]

MANTRA OF AN ARTIST:

All I know is that I'm miles better.
Eventually someone might notice.
Keep thinking someone might like it.
Hey, I like myself. Feel lots better.

Wonder how good you have to be
before people begin to actually care.
How significant your words have to be
before anyone cares to actually read them.

Still would like other folks to care too.
& still can't get booked in this town.
Thinking it would be nice to connect,
soul by soul, audience by audience.

Guess frustration doesn' help,
people don't connect with that.
Just do it, get better, for me.
So I tell myself & try to believe.

But hey, I actually do like myself.
And, feels lots better. I think.

B