The "Truth" About Friendship and Truth

A humorously serious look at life’s trials & tribulations,
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The "Truth" About Friendship and Truth

Post by roxybeast » April 16th, 2009, 7:57 pm

The "Truth" About Friendship and Truth
©2009 Beth Isbell


Recently, I've discovered that friendship and truth don't always mix. But, in the truest sense, the best friendships always have room for the truth.

I have a friend. He sings like William Hung, but thinks he sings like Michael Jackson. I want to tell him the truth. Because he is a good friend. I want to suggest that he take vocal lessons. I fear that if I do, he will no longer my friend. I want for him to fulfill his dreams, but know that without vocal lessons or some other effort or means to improve his voice, his dream will never be fulfilled. I could suggest a different career altogether, but his ears are deaf to that possibility. So I watch and listen, painfully, to the howls. He, on the other hand, does not hear himself or the displeasure he's causing. The fantasy rolls on. The reality light bulb seems forever broken. The switch un-flip-able.

So there you have it. My dilemma. Should I tell a close friend the truth even if they don't want to hear it, but need to? Or should I just keep lying to them & tell them what they want to hear?

My friend Tom provided this salient piece of advice,
"too many variables to say a simple 'tell' or 'don't tell.' You know the variables, ... they include importance, the way they react to stuff, your own motivations, will you be believed, how much pain is involved, what are the consequences, is that person more important to you than the friendship, etc."
I know my motives are pure ... but yes, lots of pain will be involved because it's something they really don't want to hear, but need to ... their success and happiness depends on accepting it's truth. My friend Lisa offered this,
"if you need to then you should tell the truth, especially if it's a really good friend."
But do you really? Should you? Or perhaps my friend Amy's advice should be heeded:
"whose truth? I would guess you're referring to your opinion on a matter. Nothing wrong with giving that, most friends want honest feedback from people they love and trust. If you are sure of your relationship and your motives and you have thought out the importance of your view on the matter, ask them if they want your 2 cents. Let them decide if they want to hear it. But remember, everyone has their own version of the truth, yours may very well be biased or tainted with the flavor and scent of your own life, not theirs. Good mottos: To each his own. Live and let live."
But we are of course talking about a voice that chips paint here. And yes, I suppose there is an element of perception in all truth, but in this case, the consensus of opinion is pretty overwhelming. The American Idol judges and millions of the show's viewers have spoken. Well, ok, maybe not literally in this particular case, but you get the point. This is beyond a matter of mere taste, it's just bad.

We are not merely discussing "whether or not someone looks terrible in a dress," as my friend Lisa noted,
"it sounds like it's well...important and something 'they need to hear.' 'Need' that would be the key word here. There is something in the middle called the common truth as well. We are all linked by our common truth not by are individual truth."
I like that. A lot. "We are all linked by out common truth." Interesting concept. A truth that is true to all of us, even if it remains unspoken. Or in this case, should (or should not) remain unspoken. To speak or not to speak, that is the question.

But perhaps, even if it needs to be said, as Lisa notes, I can try to find a better way to say it.
"maybe instead of saying "you don't do this well" you could point them to something they do better? Sometimes it's not what you're saying but the way you say it."
But this is not just an evening of karaoke. It's his career choice. The central purpose of his existence on the planet, at least from his perspective. And I am loathe to change that perception. Adjust it, maybe. But the process will be painful for both of us. And how do you tell a professional singer they need vocal lessons without them taking that the wrong way?

Which brings us back to our central theme. I would like to believe that my friend Clay has it right:
"a friend will always tell the truth even at the expense of the friendship. All we can do is be honest and be kind."
But it is not always so easy. Even when speaking the "common truth," particularly when it comes to something as personal as the sound of your friend's voice, as Lisa correctly observes,
"that would almost fall under advice and very few people can handle unsolicited advice. Now if someone asks me my opinion that's a different animal. I would be gentle with constructive criticism."
When dealing with the phrase "unsolicited truth," one often learns by the results that the word unsolicited carries far more importance than the word truth.

And be wary kind gentlemen who speak the truth, it is not really the truth that your lady seeks when she asks you if she looks good in this dress. :) As my friend Doreen points out,
"if most people think she doesn't look good in red but she thinks it's not red but it's blue and she thinks she looks good in blue and is happy with herself in blue, then what good would it do to tell her? lol.. just saying ;) ... it's her life."
So gentlemen, be wary.

But this seems more than just a red dress, blue dress or polite lie to make someone feel good type of situation. My friend's future is at stake. His happiness. His career. His dream. I'm mindful of what Amy says - truth is almost always a matter of perception, but I guess I'm from the school that thinks if you have to avoid telling the truth, it's because you're not really close friends anyway. I sure as heck don't want my close friends just lying to my face just because they don't want to hurt my feelings or have a confrontation, when they know that if I don't hear the truth, and eventually accept it, I may never get better. But it certainly is not easy, when you know, like Tom originally said, if they don't take it well, you may end up losing their friendship altogether. Oh, the agony, ... oh, the fear, ... oh the struggle, ... oh, the pain.

You know that if he actually listened and accepted your advice, and worked hard through lessons and/or practice to improve, he would become markedly better. Maybe never good enough to "make it," but still probably happier and with more joy in the possible outcomes. If no advice is given, or it is not accepted, he may very well lose everything by continuing to tread blindly down his chosen path without realizing that there is even an issue. You know he will take it very personally. And there's really no way to make the suggestion without him realizing you're saying that he's not very good at it currently. ... Oh, the dilemma.

Maybe my friend Amy has the right approach:
"My BGF once tried to help a close friend with her grammar and spelling which was linked to her career and the relationship dissolved immediately! It was God AWFUL to say the least. In this particular case, I say just be supportive. Encourage them to take a look at different avenues. Help them in any way you can. And absolutely RESPECT them. I know that with my best friend and I, we try not to step on each other's toes about business, art or personal issues. We're honest of course, but a suggestion here or there tempered with tons of respect for each other's take on things and/or decisions has always worked best for us. Who am I to assume I know what is right for her life? Personally, I really am put back by people who try to convert me to their way of seeing things. A shared ebb and flow of information is a super healthy way to communicate or educate, without the elitist motive of persuasion or conversion."
Or perhaps, Clay's approach is better (even if I disagree with his allegorical use of the N-word):
"I've gotten into huge trouble in my life over this issue. What can I say? I'm a comedian. One of my many stage names is Truth Nigger. Not only is this name purposely politically incorrect, but it also expresses perfectly the conflict between the truth and 'being nice.' I'm not known for my tact. I am known for callin' 'em like I see 'em. I'm not always right and I am seldom popular when I am. Nicholson was correct in A Few Good Men. Most people can't handle the truth. The best rule that I've found is to ask yourself if your constructed criticism or observation will be helpful to the person in question. Many times it is obvious that no matter what you say is not going to be understood or accepted and therefore it is not helpful. In that case just shake your head and shut up. (this is easier said than not done...haha.)"
So there you have it. I've chosen to leave all the "cute" quotes that can be found on the internet or in Hallmark cards about the meaning of friendship on the cutting room floor. Instead, I have presented the ultimate dilemma of friendship:
Can you handle the truth?

In a very real way, our choices of who will be our best friends often depend upon the answer to this question. We tend to choose those from whom we would be willing to accept such truth.

And, while I don't think I have actually been talking about me, I do find it interesting how in a vague conversation about this topic, everybody starts to wonder internally if they are the subject of the discussion. I find that aspect of human nature to be truly fascinating!
"You're a sneaky one, Beth!
Getting free psychoanalysis like this!
I'm sending you a bill!"
Lightning Rod
Last edited by roxybeast on April 16th, 2009, 9:22 pm, edited 10 times in total.

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Post by roxybeast » April 16th, 2009, 8:02 pm

Special thanks to my friends Tom Geddie, Lisa Ghariani, Amy Webster, Doreen Peri & L-Rod for participating in this discussion on friendship and truth. And to my friend, Magic Mike, for making me laugh and being my friend in spite of all the truths we share. :)

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Post by Lightning Rod » April 16th, 2009, 8:34 pm

when the ears hear the truth
the heart respects the lips that say it
"These words don't make me a poet, these Eyes make me a poet."

The Poet's Eye

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Post by roxybeast » April 17th, 2009, 4:20 pm

My friend Magic Mike adds ...

"i would rather piss you off than lie to you...a friend will get over being pissed off but will always remember it if you lie to him ...

... of course if you haven't been asked for you opinion that all goes out the window...especially when it concerns something that is real important to them...and may even something that helps them deal with everything else they have to do just surviving day to day life...sometimes you don't have to be successful to successfully to navigate the pitfalls, roadblocks, and compromises we all have to make"

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