Free musician jokes database ...
http://notationmachine.com/musician_jokes_page.shtml
Examples - if you type in guitar ... & these are just the first 10 (the site has a lot more per topic) or you can type in any instrument
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Guitar:
1. Q. What do you throw to a drowning guitar player?
A. His amp
2. Q: Why are so many guitarists jokes one-liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.
3. One night at a gig the band leader yells at the bass guitar player "Your out of tune! Fix it!" The bass player pulls on all of the strings and says "The tension is the same on all of the strings...it must be in tune." and the guitar player yells at him "You idiot. The pegs have to be all lined up!"
4. Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?
A: Evidently all of them.
5. Q: How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch?
A:Pay for the pizza.
6. Q: What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless ..
7. Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A: Neither did I
8. Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A: Who cares - neither one's a guitar
9. "Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"
10. Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: Both suck when you plug them in
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Bass Players:
2. Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A: It took him an hour to get the drummer out!
3. Q: What's the difference between an upright bass and a salsa bass?
A: The upright holds more beer.
4. Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
5. One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.
6. One night at a gig the band leader yells at the bass guitar player "Your out of tune! Fix it!" The bass player pulls on all of the strings and says "The tension is the same on all of the strings...it must be in tune." and the guitar player yells at him "You idiot. The pegs have to be all lined up!"
7. Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummers.
8. Q. What's the difference between a bass player and a toilet?
A. A toilet only has to take crap from one butt hole at a time.
9. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:To get away from the bassoon recital.
10. Q: Whats the best thing to play on a stand up bass?
A: Solitaire.
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Drummers:
2. Q: How do you know when there's a drummer at your door?
A: The knocking keeps speeding up!
3. A drummer walks into a library and says: "Hi I'll have a burger,fries, and a large coke." The librarian responds: Sshhhh....do you know where you are? This is a library!" The drummer, sheepishly, and in a whisper says: "Sorry....I'll have a burger, fries and a large coke."
4. Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: Hey guys, let's do one of my songs.
5. Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A. With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
6. Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.
7. Two drummers walk into a bar . . . which is funny 'cause you would think the second one would have seen it coming!!
8. A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
9. Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!"
They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"
10. One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks.
After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven:
"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"
muchas gracias, beth