Beth Isbell (2009)
All the feigned moral outrage of the Sarah Palin camp & her followers is just plain ridiculous … so, to support Letterman, this past week, I started posting a "Bristol Palin Joke of the Day!" on my facebook page everyday: http://www.facebook.com/bethisbell
This is how it works - everyday I post the set-up for a Bristol joke & then everybody adds their favorite punchline ... no holds barred. (If Studio 8 readers want to weigh in & add a punchline then just copy the set-up line in your reply & add your funniest punchline)
These are the unedited & sometimes hilarious responses:
(I'll try to update this post to add new jokes/punchlines daily until we stop running the contest ... so check back for updates ... and if you want to participate in the daily joke/punchline - add me on Facebook)
Day 1: "What do you get when you cross Bristol Palin with a baby seal?"
A: "A cuddly creature that loves heavy petting!"
A: "A cold hearted fur queen that makes you want to go clubbin' all night!"
A: "I don't know, but it has an angry polar bear for a grandmother and can see Russia from it's house!"
Day 2: "Why did Bristol Palin cross the road so many times?"
A: "so she could make more Tripps!"
A: "I don't know, but it certainly wasn't to buy condoms!"
A: "to hook up with Alex Rodriguez!"
A: "to get to the other side ... politically!"
A: "mall, store, mall, store, mall, mall, store, store!"
A: "to try to find at least one person who isn't brown-clad and marching in lock step."
A: “that's where all the dick is.”
Day 3: "So the Pope, Bristol Palin & a Cheshire Cat walk into a bar, and the barkeep says, 'Welcome, what can I get for y'all' ...."
A: "And the Cheshire Cat, with a mischievous grin, says, 'give me an LSD blotter with my picture on it, a glass of sacramental wine, and a pregnancy test for the one whose mother proclaims her as the new virgin Mary!'"
A: “So Bristol sez ‘The Pope and I will have wine. Give Barack here a saucer of milk.’”
A: “the barkeep points to Bristol and says, 'I can't service her’
The drunk sitting at the end of the bar says, 'Looks like somebody aready did.’
A: “So the Pope says ’I think we're lost’. Bristol says 'Men!’. And the Cheshire Cat says ’So, Dude, have you seen a white rabbit?’ ".
A: “the Pope orders a red wine, Bristol orders a Shirley Temple without the cherry, and the Cheshire Cat says, ‘I'll have what the Caterpillar is having.’"
A: “The Pope says, ‘Nothing, thank you. One of us is infallible, one of is unflappable, and one of us is a knocked-up slut.’"
Day 4: "How do you make Bristol Palin's eyes sparkle?"
A: "by shining a flashlight into her ear!"
A: “by holding a torch up to her ear!"
A: "flip the light bulb switch on!"
A: "glow in the dark condoms!"
A: "setting off political fireworks!"
A: "a candle light dinner with Alex Rodriguez!"
A: “Neiman Marcus and a credit card from the RNC”
A: “crystal meth and a guest slot on Letterman”
A: “a nice corvette”
A: “A 40 oz beer and a high school football jersey.”
A: “telling her she's pregnant again so she can tell all the other boys she's a sure thing cause you can't knock her up if sombody already has so FREE RIDE!”
A: A mom that lets you drink and have sex when you're a teenager. Oh wait, that's everyday for her
Day 5: What did Bristol Palin say when she found out she was pregnant?"
A: "Is it mine?"
A: "OMG! You can get pregnant from that? Every time I walked in on Mommy & Todd doing it, Mommy always told me they were just practicing their political mud wrestling and Todd was planting his political seed!"
A: "but when I asked Mommy what f*cking meant, she told me it was something she did to her political friends!"
A: "that is so not funny Mom!!!, ... putting pez in my birth control dispenser!!! (while Sarah lfao!)"
A: "I feel a book deal comin' on ... I'll call it Immaculate Conception"
A: "He told me he took the Pill"
A: "How did that happen?"
A: "Not AGAIN!!??"
A: ''Oh, so that's what happens''
A: ''AWESOME! My boyfriends were wrong, I'm not just getting fat!''
A: "There goes my Abstinance speaking tour."
A: I'll just become a "born again virgin" later!
A: "But we didn't have sex. I only gave him a blow job before I passed out. I don't know what happeded after that" (bats eyelashes)
A: "but gosh Mom, when I had sex with Dad's cousin at the picnic, he told me that I couldn't get pregnant!"
A: "but gosh Mom, "Uncle" Pee-Wee said that was just a special kind of toothbrush, so I just thought that boy was cleaning me down there too!"
A: "So... Flintstone vitamins don't keep you from getting pregnant??"
Day 6: "Was anyone really surprised Bristol Palin & Levi Johnston broke up, I mean after all even ...."
A: "the Russians could see it coming!"
,A: "her mother's political advisors had an office pool going on the exact date!"
A: "Lindsey Lohan keeps her panties on more often!"
A: "the entire school hockey team had free admission!"
A: "her mother thought the odds of McCain winning the election were 5-1 better than them staying together!"
A: "the mascot on Levi's hockey team couldn't miss that open net!"
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Editor's note:
A little background to how the Bristol Palin joke of the day started …
This all started when Letterman told a joke about Sarah & Bristol going to a Yankees game & Bristol getting knocked up by Alex Rodriguez in the 7th inning stretch - which due to current events was really more of a slam about Alex Rodriguez cheating on his wife & Sarah not controlling her daughter despite being very preachy about family values - turns out it was the younger 14 year old Palin at the ballgame, not 18 year old Bristol - Despite knowing that Dave was referring to the 18 year old - the Palin's decided to launch a web assault accusing Letterman of approving of the "rape" of their 14 year old and feigning outrage which caused a bunch of Christian fundamentalists & other hard core right wingers to join in - and eventually CBS, fearing loss of these viewers, forced Letterman apologize on air twice. The “Bristol Palin Joke of the Day” mocks the Palin's values & feigned outrage, & shows support for Dave who is barred from fighting back!
And to those who feel the desire to defend Bristol or think such jokes are not fair to her ….
So you approve of Politicians feigning high moral outrage, who preach family values and rail against unprotected sex and minors even having sex, but then don't practice what they preach in their own home? You approve of the vicious right-wing backlash against Letterman for telling a fairly innocuous joke about an 18 year old & her mother relating to conduct the 18 year old freely engaged in, a pro baseball player who can't keep it in his pants, and the mother who feigns piety about moral issues?
The real target of the joke, if it's not obvious is Sarah Palin and her followers - Bristol is just the foil ... and yes, they deserve to be mocked for the heights that they went to protest & their deceit in interpreting a joke they knew to be about their 18 year old as being against their 14 year old, even then spinning a joke about consensual sex as meaning rape, and their feigned outrage over the deceitful interpretation that they themselves created - so you approve of their conduct? ... is it fair to Bristol, probably not, but she is an adult and it is her & particularly her parents conduct that made any and all of this fair game. And, besides the BP joke of the day really is quite funny!
Bottom line …
I'm just coaxing Momma Bear out of her cave into the open to have a fair intellectual fight ... Sarah v. Sarah ... bring it on bitch!
