Zuihitsu

(...)

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saw
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by saw » January 14th, 2020, 10:59 am

some mornings turn into afternoons
before the mind decides to cooperate...
why such stretches persist is beyond my comprehension
beyond my shaking fingertips, is it the coffee ?

that makes me shake or something more insidious
is it tormented sleep, dreams of impending doom
or is it just the decades that ravish every pore, every poor
soul that is still here to resist the inevitable changes

that pour
down like ancient rain
droplets of imperceptible alterations
to an unsuspecting body and mind in constant transition

this didn't happen overnight
If you do not change your direction
you may end up where you are heading

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the mingo
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by the mingo » January 23rd, 2020, 6:20 am

Hell yeah magnolias
I saw what you did there, Jack. 8)
Doll, you may have found a place of rest but I'm still on the trail.

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the mingo
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by the mingo » January 23rd, 2020, 6:52 am

This thundering plant is one thread. Well, that's my name on the paycheck so there is that. If this spoils my chance for the bait finger so be it and bite the rest. There are leather parallels noxious to describe. On my tombstone write "Create warlike cherries" - it will keep the funsters off for awhile. This contract work will kill ya anyways, leave ya with zany scabs & box stamps. The production of flowers is down but hell no ya can't desert your post at the door because ya just never know. I mean just look at all the archeologists out there happy as clams with new chances to scrap the earth going ooo & ahh looking at the ends of their trowels.
Doll, you may have found a place of rest but I'm still on the trail.

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judih
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by judih » January 23rd, 2020, 11:56 pm

one man's ooh is another man's bah
and so we live, barely leaving enough for the next generation to criticize

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sasha
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by sasha » January 25th, 2020, 3:57 am

2:32 a.m. - That goddamned dog has gone AWOL again. Last I saw of him were a pair of yellow eyes reflecting the beam of the dying flashlight before disappearing over the stone wall. I took off after him down the road, paralleling where I thought he might be headed, but the batteries finally expired, forcing me to I trudge back to the house in the dark. By the time I got dressed, booted, & replaced the batteries, he could be a mile away in any direction. I drove out as far as the lake, making side trips down all the byways he's been known to frequent on these excursions, for all the good it would do.

He won't bark to come in, so I guess I'll sit up for a while periodically checking the yard. Not much else I can do now but wait until it gets light.

6:15 a.m. - Still dark. Still no sign. I've been out at least a half-dozen times searching, but to no avail. I can either watch the road ahead of me or try panning out into the woods, but not both. Wet weather on the way - possibility of freezing rain later in the day.

6:35 a.m. - First glimmer of light. Boots back on, glasses cleaned. Looked up the dog's ID tag #: 19-288.

8:02 a.m. - Nothing. Drove the usual route - then extended it beyond the lake, to the campground - up Brigham Hill - Turtle Rock Farm - down Templeton Rd, back by the lake, down Howeville Rd & back -

Nothing. No one I spoke to has seen him. He's GONE.

I need sleep. In lieu of sleep, I'll settle for coffee. It's his move now.
Last edited by sasha on January 25th, 2020, 9:06 am, edited 4 times in total.
.
I'm not an outlier. I just haven't found my distribution yet.

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wylde
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by wylde » January 25th, 2020, 7:08 am

🙏🏻🤞🏻🙏🏻
.homesick. but homeless.

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jackofnightmares
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by jackofnightmares » January 25th, 2020, 11:24 am

mingo wrote:
The mixtures of things, making for the mysterious. The call on the unknowable. The beginning of prayer.
prayer starts with the first heartbeat sometime in the first nine months of life
a half a pint of Four Roses, a chess set and a Walther P38 Luger was Crazy Mike's legacy to me.
I was raised on Freud's holy trinity
freud desk.jpg
"Skepticism is the chastity of the intellect" George Santayana, The Idea of Christ in the Gospels

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sasha
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by sasha » January 25th, 2020, 11:29 am

10:18 a.m. Radio silence. Static. White noise. Does anybody read, over? Is this thing on? Test-test... test, 1-2-3...

I've probably put 50 miles on the car this morning just between here & the lake. I even saw a pair of labs - one black, one yellow - playing by a bobhouse on the far shore. I parked at the boat landing and hoofed all the way across. Not my dog ("Zat iss not my dog...") - heavier and darker coloration than Kane. And it growled at my approach. (The black one brought me his tennis ball.) Neighbors have been notified - county dispatch has been notified (they fill here for the local PD force on weekends) - gave them his name, description, disposition, tag #. What else can I do? What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to carry on as if nothing were amiss? That's like trying to get through the day wearing only one shoe.

4:08 p.m. Nada. It's getting dark, it's getting colder, and it's begun to rain. Hope fades. It's awfully quiet in here....
.
I'm not an outlier. I just haven't found my distribution yet.

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judih
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by judih » January 25th, 2020, 11:31 pm

Kane, goddamn it. It's fuckin cold out there - go home already. A joke's a joke
or, if you're into traveling - there's a warmer clime out here - pop on a charter flight and get yer ass over here.
Will let you know, Sasha.

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jackofnightmares
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by jackofnightmares » January 26th, 2020, 11:19 am

my dog is dead
life is still good because geezers thrive on broken hearts
nikkoa_002.jpg
German 101
Menschen essen, Tiere fressen.
A Man and His Dog
His dog loved him, and he wished he was half the man his dog thought he was

My dog thought I was an asshole
He was constantly biting me at the slightest provocation
It took me years to mourn for that mean little son of a bitch
He belonged to the old woman that lived in the apartment next door to me
after she was taken away never to return I could hear him crying for night after night finally I checkedd it out with the management and they said nobody wanted him because he was so old and mean (estmates ranged around 14 to 17. I took him in because they were going to put him down and I am a helll of anice guy
Button up your overcoat
You belong to us
typing with the adrenalin shakes is the shits :oops:
"Skepticism is the chastity of the intellect" George Santayana, The Idea of Christ in the Gospels

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sasha
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by sasha » January 26th, 2020, 4:58 pm

My house is haunted. A floorboard creaks from thermal expansion/contraction - and for just an instant I think it's Kane tiptoing from the bedroom to join me. I glance toward the couch on my way back from refilling my coffee mug, and so accustomed was I to see him curled up there that for a nanosecond I actually do - as if the memory creates a template for the visual processing center in anticipation of what it'll actually see. Water dripping from a melting icicle hits the snow shovel propped up next to the front door - and I think "Is that him? Is he back? He's come back?"

But he's not standing outside patiently waiting for me to open the door. Nor is he curled up on the couch, or tiptoing out of the bedroom to join me. And it's increasingly unlikely at this point that he ever will again.

My sister, and the neighbors - Adam & Kelly in particular - are urging optimism, not to give up hoping that he could still turn up somewhere for someone to find and report - but optimism is a pricey commodity that comes with heavy interest penalties. And hope is just the lie we tell ourselves to convince us that everything is going to be alright. Hard reality is rarely so accommodating. Unless we come to terms with that reality, there's no moving on. But oh, that acceptance hurts.

No pain, no gain - right?

I'm not packing up his things just yet, nor throwing away his papers and donating his food to the animal shelter. I reflexively filled his water dish this morning, and carried his leash with me on my walk - just in case. And I'll keep the exterior light on for another night - just in case. But my expectations are low. Better to assume the worst. Pessimists can be happily surprised, but optimists are usually disappointed.

RIP, old buddy. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.

 
.
I'm not an outlier. I just haven't found my distribution yet.

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wylde
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by wylde » January 28th, 2020, 6:14 am

sasha wrote:
January 26th, 2020, 4:58 pm
My house is haunted. A floorboard creaks from thermal expansion/contraction - and for just an instant I think it's Kane tiptoing from the bedroom to join me. I glance toward the couch on my way back from refilling my coffee mug, and so accustomed was I to see him curled up there that for a nanosecond I actually do - as if the memory creates a template for the visual processing center in anticipation of what it'll actually see. Water dripping from a melting icicle hits the snow shovel propped up next to the front door - and I think "Is that him? Is he back? He's come back?"

But he's not standing outside patiently waiting for me to open the door. Nor is he curled up on the couch, or tiptoing out of the bedroom to join me. And it's increasingly unlikely at this point that he ever will again.

My sister, and the neighbors - Adam & Kelly in particular - are urging optimism, not to give up hoping that he could still turn up somewhere for someone to find and report - but optimism is a pricey commodity that comes with heavy interest penalties. And hope is just the lie we tell ourselves to convince us that everything is going to be alright. Hard reality is rarely so accommodating. Unless we come to terms with that reality, there's no moving on. But oh, that acceptance hurts.

No pain, no gain - right?

I'm not packing up his things just yet, nor throwing away his papers and donating his food to the animal shelter. I reflexively filled his water dish this morning, and carried his leash with me on my walk - just in case. And I'll keep the exterior light on for another night - just in case. But my expectations are low. Better to assume the worst. Pessimists can be happily surprised, but optimists are usually disappointed.

RIP, old buddy. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.

 

no clever musings or words to put forth. simply soo fucking sorry. the energy of presence and love trances-send (sic) material energy. no matter what the out come, that is real. That endures.

sorry if i have now contradicted myself.

your pain is so full of love, and loss, almost too much for me to bare.
you are here. you were there. and you remain together.

nearness is an ongoing bridge. and exchange.

bests to you.
.homesick. but homeless.

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sasha
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by sasha » January 28th, 2020, 12:23 pm

Why, I've often wondered, does deep sobbing involve the same involuntary physiological responses as belly laughing? The same spasmodic breathing, the same leakage from the eyes, nearly identical vocalizations? Perhaps laughter is the result of some pleasure hormone, while weeping produces it to help counteract grief. Curious...

Two diametrically opposed emotions evoking the same physical state... reminds me of the erroneous assumption that there's such a thing as THE common cold. There are hundreds of different rhinoviruses to which our respiratory systems are vulnerable - it's just that there aren't that many ways the body can respond to such a vast variety of infections. Fever (to burn out the invader); mucous production (to flush it out); sneezing & coughing (side effects of mucous production, perhaps, with the added benefit of expelling the invader)... Remarkably efficient, actually, a one-size-fits-all response to combat the many dozens of ways we can be sickened.

So why waste metabolic resources to support one mechanism for laughter, and another one for tears? Makes sense to use the same machinery for both.

Just a thought.......


wylde wrote:
January 28th, 2020, 6:14 am
bests to you.
Thank you, wylde. Appreciate the vibes.
.
I'm not an outlier. I just haven't found my distribution yet.

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jackofnightmares
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by jackofnightmares » January 28th, 2020, 11:09 pm

sasha wrote:
but optimism is a pricey commodity that comes with heavy interest penalties. And hope is just the lie we tell ourselves to convince us that everything is going to be alright. Hard reality is rarely so accommodating. Unless we come to terms with that reality, there's no moving on. But oh, that acceptance hurts.
I killed my dog. They said they might be able to save him but it would cost thousands of dollars.
for a long time, years? many months for sure—I was filled with self-loathing for being such a ner do well that I could not save my dog's life. He was suffering so bad,; he could no longer stand, he could not drink or eat or urinate, no regrets they say, what world do people who have no regret live in?
Regret is what drives me to do better.

Come to terms with reality, do you mean maturity?
I used to be a Christian I am a Bokkonist now
“Maturity,” Bokonon
tells us, “is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless
laughter can be said to remedy anything.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle

I wish I had some comfort for your grief, I say why the hell not keep a light on for him, you don't know, I think of all the news articles I have seen about dogs that make their way home after years. I loved this movie, Hachikō Monogatari, whenever I want to shed a tear for my dog I can count on it.

love is also a pricey commodity
be not deterred by a broken heart
Amor Fati
"Skepticism is the chastity of the intellect" George Santayana, The Idea of Christ in the Gospels

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sasha
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Re: Zuihitsu

Post by sasha » January 29th, 2020, 5:33 pm

jackofnightmares wrote:
January 28th, 2020, 11:09 pm
I killed my dog. They said they might be able to save him but it would cost thousands of dollars.
I killed my last dog - or rather, put out the contract - 'twas the veterinarian who emptied the syringe into her veins. And I did not regret it. It was the right thing to do. The brain tumor had already robbed her of every last bit of her essence, leaving behind only a husk, an organic machine for converting dog food into feces. There was no sparkle, no playfulness, no recognition on her part - just a dull, bovine placidity bereft of any personality. But her death brought closure, and I mourned for the dog she was before the tumor, before the seizures, not for the beast that stood for hours with its face pressed into the corner.

But this time there's no closure. Was it hypothermia? Did he die alone out in the swamp, soaking wet and shivering? Did he break a leg out there in the bush somewhere and lay in pain for days, unable to move? Was he torn apart by coyotes? Or did he find shelter and adopt a new owner, forgetting all about me? Either way, I doubt I'll ever know.

You've been through it - as have a lot of us - so you understand. A dog isn't just a piece of livestock - it's a sentient being, a family member. This Is just another difficult passage we have to go through, one I've gone through before. It doesn't get any easier with practice, but it's not an unfamiliar journey - just a painful one. And it smooths out eventually....
.
I'm not an outlier. I just haven't found my distribution yet.

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