In light of my title 'luck'

[stilltrucking]

I have stayed when I should have turned away
and I have turned away when I should have stayed.

You about the only thing that really scares me anymore is God. I don't even like to use the word. Sometimes I write god or G d.

Probably just superstition. I don't have much to complain about, I mean not much bad stuff has happened to me yet. I got not many bad memories, just a few childhood ones, and a few embarrassing ones, but who don't. Strange how the older I get the happier I became as a child.

I noticed the trees today
Such mild winters
thanks for the chat
avoidance and escape are probably good things sometimes
U, i, we, got to do is be aware I hope.

[SadLuckDame]

I'm God fearing too, Jack. He could burn my britches and that worries me and I wonder if he'll see good within me. I want to give him good, but good is a difficulty. Firstly, it's got to be authentic?! or true and true. He'd see right through all else and that right there could be a good chunk of my good. I need to be aware of my reasons for every little what=not and do bee do.

Monday's a difficulty. Dang, it all happened on a Monday. Should be a song title. Such harsh ones. Wants to blank me up, right.

Sleep well my friend.

[SadLuckDame]

Yes, Monday news.
One is hitched, then you are in head over heels for the lovely H darling, and rabbit's gonna keep sweet his sweet 16 and my catfish refuses to keep in touch with me.

HaHa, funny Mondays. All the trouble is a fine Dame's. I see him laughing just to stick me with a name likes this one, to be sure, the joke here in a name.

Better to love than be loved. I wrote a poetry for that one. Ain't it the funny truth. All the troubles and I'm perfectly happy.

[stilltrucking]

He thinks he is so unlucky
talks about how the brain tumor ruined his life
but never expresses gratitude that he survived
has he forgot he is alive and still has all his faculties intact

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.”

[SadLuckDame]

Yes, and to be alive is a precious gift,
I knew it myself when on death bed and the fear it'd all been naught but a dream state, even breath itself being nothing alive any longer to me...
then to have the patience to climb a stair, then another and another

each stair life
more life.

I love that, Jack
Love the opportunity to be here
and grateful though I might slip and forget it
but the choice to gain it back.

[myrna minkoff]

I feel luckier than Lou Gehrig just to be alive



Jesus got plenty work to do. I sure don't want him to have to worry about me too. All I want to do is live to be eighty. If I could do that I think I would be able to die a good death, ha. Nietzsche run out of thought maybe. Wow.

Learn from Creation what one must be

http://www.ontheissues.org/Archive/My_L ... Values.htm

According to Ernest Becker [a philosopher who wrote The Denial of Death], as we grow up, at some point we become aware of death, then the fact that people we know and love die, then the fact that someday we, too, will die. Most of us do what we can to avoid it. Meanwhile, we embrace identities and the illusion of self-sufficiency. We pursue activities, both positive and negative, that we hope will lift us beyond the chains of ordinary existence and perhaps endure after we are gone. Whether we succeed or fail ,we are still going to die. The only solace, of course, is to believe that since we are created, there must be a Creator, one to whom we matter and will in some way return. Becker seemed to have met Immanuel Kant’s test of life : ‘How to occupy properly that place in creation that is assigned to man, and how to learn from it what one must be in order to be a man.’ I’ve spent a life time trying to do that. Becker’s book helped convince me it was an effort worth making.

Fortuna every time I think of her I think of Ignatius and his big chief notebooks.

[still.trucking]

Saw a good twilight zone with robert redford from 1962 only three characters in it, an old woman, a building inspector and death. Two part episode, I posted it to mingo lingo.'

There are many death beds, I am trying to lighten up. You know it is true a coward dies a thousand deaths, and for me there r fears worse than death. But they got to go too. I guess my worst death bed scene is as a living organ donor. that must be a trip. I read some spooky so called dirty secretes about how they are done. Sounds like a Aztec ritual almost. But I am just superstitious.

[SadLuckDame]

I'm struggling on being present and not the child.
Big thoughts on why I fantasize so muchly much and then I find myself closing doors in my head that work with the outside world and thinking only that I can't fight the monster outside. It was too big, it'd not hear me scream and I couldn't hit it or defend myself, I was helpless to it, until I buried myself in myself.

First thoughts on first dreams, reoccurring dreams is to do with not having a voice to scream with, not being able to punch, kick.

That's how I found I could live in this world, by discovering it, observing, eating a little and then bringing it all back in to recreate there were I can actually be with it. I can have say so-s and opinions and I won't burn in hell, I won't hurt someone else there, my presence won't disturb their ideals, if I just smile and not open doors, no windows.

I refuse to go to therapy, besides with what it is I have then it couldn't happen anyways, because I will go in already decided that I won't have a voice, I won't be able to fight for myself.

I have been in therapy with myself for a long time now.
Into the twilight with you, Jack.

Also, I discovered that I tend to parent sometimes like it's a therapy session, connecting dots to dots with the kids and trying to discover where that seed started, what bird brought it, what it all means.

I don't know if I've spent a day of relaxation yet in my life, other than when I can relax listening in on someone else's life instead.
I'm too heavy.

[SadLuckDame]

I guess it means that I have never had a voice that I felt was taken up and clutched in this life. I know it's only perspective and so in another's perspective it wouldn't be as it is in mine, but it really is the monster on the back.
It means I am just my child-self.

Spent time watching a series called In Therapy.
Ha Ha, Oh man, I gotta quickly ditch this chica self of mine, she's making me uncomfortable cause then I look like my child-self.

Bah! off to read my book.
I loved watching twilight zone growing up.
I got spooked so easily.

[stilltrucking]

what'll it be
coffee and pretense
or absolute fear?

Hemingway said his typewriter was his therapist. But later he decided to use a shot gun instead.

Virginia Woolf said her friends were her priest, but maybe they let her down like a typewriter too.

I could use some therapy too.
I need to talk to homeboy, I been a avoiding him, he is the oldest friend I got.

That is why I write to Dr Betsy every chance I can get.
I am just the great pretender
still thinking about judih's ku
too late to reply tonight

we have to settle our accounts with reality
sooner or later
I will worry about burning in hell later.
I am more scared of the now than the later

[stilltrucking]

I am grateful that you have children. Yes I think you are right about the insights they bring that help us understand ourselves

I am running late. I am grateful I have Isabella Rose.

Women have served all these centuries as looking–glasses possessing the magic and delicious power of reflecting the figure of man at twice its natural size. Without that power probably the earth would still be swamp and jungle. The glories of all our wars would he unknown. We should still be scratch ing the outlines of deer on the remains of mutton bones and bartering flints for sheep skins or whatever simple ornament took our unsophisticated taste. Supermen and Fingers of Destiny would never have existed. The Czar and the Kaiser would never have worn crowns or lost them. Whatever may be their use in civilized societies, mirrors are essential to all violent and heroic action. That is why Napoleon and Mussolini both insist so emphatically upon the inferiority of women, for if they were not inferior, they would cease to enlarge.

a room of one's own

[SadLuckDame]

I have sat with my child-self tonight, it's the return and the return, it's the image of the child with a mirror in her hand, nothing else ever has to be in the same room with her.

She looks in, looks further and further, going so far back that it's rib, it's dinosaur bone.

Here is her image, the anger is what makes her worry for me, then I worry for her. When I get trapped, then I get trapped with the monster, monster being self. I say things from time to time, like I'm a bad person or I have beasts inside or that I'm monster. So the child-self holds up the mirror and I go in tonight.

When I feel trapped, whether it's by continuous noise, distraction, harm or whatever it is that I find I get trapped by, usually I find that I'm helpless feeling and rely on impulses, first reactions, earliest behavior, my child-self. So when I was young and until I was a young teenager I would rage during the trapped feelings, I would storm the whole world that was in reach. I hurt my baby sister often when in my rages, too and I didn't know how to have the guilt of it on me, because I hurt her than I couldn't hold myself gently. I should've protected her, because she was smaller. I'd protect her from my father, but I didn't protect her from me.

To change my reactions has been a life work and it's as if it's always in progress. When I rage inside now, I can contain it inside and I practice doing other things with it that will not harm another soul. I'm actually to the point where I can stay with the feeling of it, which feels like a dragon and I can wait, instead of react, wait and see if fate will offer up a help by providing an out that I didn't notice right off the bat.

My confidence is slightly boosting, because I'm not as scared of waiting with it as I used to be, since I've been able to survive it now in such a such way and not have been harmed in waiting with it. I don't know if I will fully heal and be able to completely trust myself ever, but I can help work on my confidence.

The last time I actually harmed another person physically hasn't been since I was sixteen, but I did falter once in my twenties. As far as raging the house, I haven't raged in five or six years now and I have been able to try new things when feeling trapped, which I have liked myself for afterwards, instead of thinking of myself as the monster.

I think that I am being braver. I think that I am learning better tools, that I am expanding on my abilities and what I'm capable of accomplishing.
I want to call my sister and tell her that I am sorry.
I want to finally be able to hold my child-self, because she is sorry and because she can see it for the first time, to see it and think of ways to use other tools. Because she is working hard to heal.

I want to say this ten times in a row now...
I am sitting with dragons. I can sit with dragons. I don't have to fight, because I can sit with dragons now. I can wait out the immediate wave of anger, of helpless, of feeling and sit with the dragons, until a seed blows, until the rain stops, until the war is at an end. I can sit and sit with dragons.
I am going to be o.k.

My apologies, I had to do this though, had to write it out.

[SadLuckDame]

And it's a circle, because it goes back to the beginning that I said it's the child-self with a mirror in a room that needs nothing else.
I will never trust another person, because I don't trust myself. Unless I learn to trust myself. I am in a room with a mirror and the room needs nothing else.

The only thing to do is to work with the girl with the mirror, myself.
Maybe she will see something different in the reflecting glass tomorrow and maybe more the next day. She might see sunlight when I go to bed tonight.
It is her that I have for my lifetime and I'm going to build a better relationship with her that will make her stronger, help her see white bunny clouds and trees swaying in the reflector.

I'm going to make friends finally.
It's a work of art.

[myrna minkoff]

bury yourself in yourself
isn't that what Kierkegaard did?
and his punishment was . . .
not to burn in hell I think but
his punishment was to have lived “bereft of all lust for life.”

How do we transform our infirmities, our inadequacies our fears into something that shines from neighbor to neighbor, makes friends, saves the world. The hero with a thousand neuroses or something like that.

“Everybody knows that the brain is too warm, wet, and noisy to be a quantum computer.”
“warm, wet, and noisy” biological system"

I tune out the wet noises as best I can by listening to music and other auditory sensations
Einstein who am I to contradict genius at that level but even so he was gobsmacked by quantum mechanics, me too, but I like to think quantumly or try to.

“One can best feel in dealing with living things how
primitive physics still is.”

Albert Einstein

lurks the culprit life
warm wet and noisey
that is me to a T

[myrna minkoff]

knock out noise