Influential heights

The confessions. It's all in my head. It's all in my head.

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SadLuckDame
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Influential heights

Post by SadLuckDame » October 1st, 2009, 11:14 pm

I've a bond especially with Anais Nin, I'll start with a quote...
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
I read her, it's as if I've read my thoughts. I'm sure her influence is obvious. Through her confessions she'd found herself. Indifferent to Hugo, saying of a fraternal love and passionate for Henri the raw and primitive man. Obsessed with June of mysteries. Though freedom as an individual. She's all beauty woman to me.

In search of being loved.

She said, "I feared to understand, I feared to deceive myself, that it should all turn out to be ordinary."

"Where is the somber me that matches his despairs! In the diary. Secret."

"I think Henri is right about elaborating. But I think he does not understand that it is because I have a natural flow in the diary: what I produce outside is distillation, the myth, the poem. The elaboration is here. It is the gem made out of this natural outpouring. Shouldn't people prefer gems?"

And so I write natural thoughts too. Intimate, my imagined scenes are my heart, my voice and the only gems to be found within an ordinary as me. Yes, I'd allowed her to give up my affections and I'd none truly to pretend.


Janis next time.

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Post by SadLuckDame » October 3rd, 2009, 11:51 am

...

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Post by SadLuckDame » October 3rd, 2009, 8:50 pm

The Diary of Anais Nin
Volume One

My joy and energy overflowed. I love living, moving. I began to ordain my kingdom. I swam through a Sargasso Sea of mail; the telephone rang, Allendy, Artaud, Henry, Joaquin. Work. Engagements. Letters. To give each one the illusion of being the chosen one, the favorite, the only one. If all my letters were put together they would reveal startling contradictions. Because I imagine people need those lies as much as I need them. Truth is coarse and unfruitful. I tell Allendy I have just arrived as if he were the first one I called.

My father tells me benign lies such as: "This is the first time I have wanted a lot of money," (to make me gifts) when I know he has always needed a lot of money, that he loves luxury, American cars, silk shirts, gold-tipped cigarettes, and lavish bouquets for his mistresses. I smile. All incense I gave others is blown back to me, under my nose. All my own tricks and lies and deceptions are offered to me out of my father's magician's box. The same box I use for my illusionist practice.

While he is writing me, Delia, or some other woman, is lying two feet away; her perfume can reach me; and he may be saying to her: "I must write to my daughter that she is now the only woman in my life, for that is a proper romantic end to an aging Don Juan's life: he must surrender all and become his daughter's chevalier servant." The treachery of illusion. Creating illusion and delusion. Improving on reality. Who is going to wring the truth from the other? Who lied first? Once when my father was reading me aloud a letter from Maruca, he read me a whole paragraph of affectionate greetings to me from her. Then he left the letter on the table and when I reread it, there were no such messages, just a conventional: :Give my love to Anais."

...

This diary proves a tremendous, all engulfing craving for truth since, to write it, I risk destroying the whole ediface of my illusions, all the gifts I made, all that I created and protected, everyone whom I saved from truth.

What does the world need, the illusion I gave in life, or the truth I give in writing? When I went about dreaming of satisfying people's dreams, satisfying their hunger for illusion, didn't I know that this was the most painful and the most insatiable hunger? What impels me to offer now, truth in place of illusion?

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Post by stilltrucking » April 1st, 2010, 11:31 am

My name is Norma Jeane Baker, and I am at ease with myself.

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Post by SadLuckDame » April 1st, 2010, 12:34 pm

ppp
Bah! I'll get you my pretty
and your little dog too. :P

Don't call me by name,
just say, "she's a pain in my ass."
`Do you know, I was so angry, Kitty,' Alice went on...`when I saw all the mischief you had been doing, I was very nearly opening the window, and putting you out into the snow! And you'd have deserved it, you
little mischievous darling!
~Lewis Carroll

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Post by stilltrucking » April 1st, 2010, 12:59 pm

<center>"Others may forget you, but not I.
I am haunted by your beautiful ghost."
</center>

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Post by SadLuckDame » April 1st, 2010, 2:24 pm

"I send you a box
of glowing pearls
wear them with irises
and orange blossoms."

~From the One hundred poems from the Japanese

And when nothing to say, momentarily, then there are the oranges.
`Do you know, I was so angry, Kitty,' Alice went on...`when I saw all the mischief you had been doing, I was very nearly opening the window, and putting you out into the snow! And you'd have deserved it, you
little mischievous darling!
~Lewis Carroll

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Post by stilltrucking » May 1st, 2010, 10:36 pm

Diamond Lil
a woman I would walk through hell on Sunday for. My eldest brother's wife. She must be in her eighties now. A petite frail old woman but still a force of nature. Hurricane Lil I think of her.

Probably off on a tangent here, I am thinking about influential women in my life.

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Post by SadLuckDame » May 2nd, 2010, 12:39 am

Maybe you're reading my mind again, I've been thinking of influential women in my life, classy women and often they're not doing what is expected of them.

"What is expected of a women", and I go like that in my head, people's expectations are often with-holding and if only they'd watch the bloom. I know some women that happily surprise me,
I'm in it to learn from them.

If I can dose up on what they're having, I'll have more of that.

And it goes both ways, I like an exceptional man full of surprises.
I worry sometimes about my expectations, though. It seems mean when I peel back the layers, even judgmental.

Then to weigh those expectations against what it is I give, or with-hold and it shrinks me effortlessly to not much. I've been a mad woman. Been reading up on Labyrinths. The difference between a labyrinth and a maze, what the two suggest and what I come away with.

I know you don't want anything to do with exceptions.
But, I feel small already as it is and sometimes being lost in the big wide world, and all the billions of unanswered questions, and all the all, then I only want to be taller so it won't be so overwhelming and to see a man that stands out, is better than seeing them all just as a whole.

Women and men, where to find the exceptions and it's what I think on. I doubt I care about anyone else than those standing out with such influences on me.
`Do you know, I was so angry, Kitty,' Alice went on...`when I saw all the mischief you had been doing, I was very nearly opening the window, and putting you out into the snow! And you'd have deserved it, you
little mischievous darling!
~Lewis Carroll

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Post by stilltrucking » May 2nd, 2010, 12:56 am

Not true dame, I mean that I want nothing to do with exceptions. That was a Plath poem I was quoting, her prayer for her son that he would not hurt his mother's heart. He recently died, a suicide. And that is a hell of an exception.

I used to believe in the bell curve like it was a mystical symbol, like a cross. It is lonely out on the tail ends of that curve, the one percenters. The saints and sinners.
And then there is "the lonely crowd" in the middle." I am learning compassion for them too.

Image

image source

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Post by SadLuckDame » May 2nd, 2010, 1:11 am

I need to learn a lot of compassion, I lack it and it does hurt that I do and that I'm so aware of it. I face it a lot, my lack of it and the beatings I give myself for not finding so much of it within. It seems to me humans should come fully stocked up with it, because we need and use it so often in this type of world and then I say, "What have I done with all of mine..." Hoarding it for those who influence me, I guess when I know I'm to love my neighbor with it, but I don't always.

I'm sorry I misread what your feelings were on the exceptions, I'd thought you were gently reminding me I should love people and all people. Prolly something I carried over from previous installments of life, childhood, lessons and I don't know.

What do you think then about it? About crowds and exceptions and individuals? Do you care for them more so than no faces? You don't have to say if you're not up to it. Just caught me unawares :P Surprised me, lol.
`Do you know, I was so angry, Kitty,' Alice went on...`when I saw all the mischief you had been doing, I was very nearly opening the window, and putting you out into the snow! And you'd have deserved it, you
little mischievous darling!
~Lewis Carroll

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Post by stilltrucking » May 2nd, 2010, 1:19 am

What do you think then about it?
If you ask the jitterbug what he thinks he will prolly say,
"as little as possible." I would walk through hell on Sunday for his wife too. My other sister in law.

Best answer I can give tonight is this:
If I can't have compassion for those around me, those closest to me how can I have it for anyone else. Just thinking outloud. Going to bed now.

Going to sleep on it
see if I have a better answer tomorrow
good night dame.

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Post by SadLuckDame » May 2nd, 2010, 1:35 am

Well those around and those close and those I in some form bring into my 'world' are easier for me to feel compassion for, depending on what it is...but I don't know what to do about the other billions of people I don't think about.

I should go to sleep too, so sleepy.

I mowed the lawn all day I think, cause I bought one of those green manual, push mowers so I wouldn't have to worry about motors, or gas, or maintenance really. Anyway, the lawn was thick, and I persisted. Got the whole thing done on and off all day. I can't believe I did it, lots of good happenings this year for me with the new obstacles and the independence is warming up like a whiskey.

Sweet dreams u.

I had a dream about this clay sculptured castle underground. I was alone and walking up the staircase of it, it was still a wet gray clay, cause it squished under my feet, and my hands were covered in wet clay from trying to make it up the steps...found out no one outside knew how to get in, all the doors were locked except the door I knew about. And so on...

P.S.
It's good that you see hope in people, I guess that's how I'm interpreting it, compassion leads to a hope of sorts in people. I'm starting to learn it. Lost a lot of it I think by seclusion.
`Do you know, I was so angry, Kitty,' Alice went on...`when I saw all the mischief you had been doing, I was very nearly opening the window, and putting you out into the snow! And you'd have deserved it, you
little mischievous darling!
~Lewis Carroll

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Post by SadLuckDame » May 2nd, 2010, 9:08 am

So anyway, the continuation of the dream was that I'd noticed a lot of love, attention and determination had gone into this clay 'creature', I mean it was brilliant, and intricate. But, some how it was starting to come undone, become neglected...I went back done the stairs and around them, then behind them and further done. Basically into the 'belly' of the clay beast.

It felt like a cave there. The clay dripped from the ceilings and seemed to also shoot upwards from the floor. It was waxy instead, more raw and looked like stalactites and stalagmites or like being inside a honey cone without the pockets.

I was looking for him, the artist and found him there further down and very blue, such melancholy, such anger too. He thought I'd fallen in love with another man.
`Do you know, I was so angry, Kitty,' Alice went on...`when I saw all the mischief you had been doing, I was very nearly opening the window, and putting you out into the snow! And you'd have deserved it, you
little mischievous darling!
~Lewis Carroll

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Post by SadLuckDame » May 2nd, 2010, 3:23 pm

The dream ended by doing the role reversal, when I was still standing there going he's in love with some other woman. But, I recollect the honey, the taste of it, and trying to find more of it. At least there was the honey.
`Do you know, I was so angry, Kitty,' Alice went on...`when I saw all the mischief you had been doing, I was very nearly opening the window, and putting you out into the snow! And you'd have deserved it, you
little mischievous darling!
~Lewis Carroll

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