Sunrise, Sunset and All Between

[sooZen]

Another entry of UpChuck:


Oh my, I overdid it yesterday and suffered the consequences of my actions! To sit here and tell you all that was done would be long and probably boring but needless to say, a lot was accomplished but at a cost to me and my poor (baby) body.

Last night I had another round of cramping. I bent down to take off my sock (I was upstairs) and my thigh muscle went into spasms, horrible, painful spasms. It took all my efforts and much crying to get myself to the stairs and then down to where my pills were. I guess I scared Cecil pretty good as he thought I was dying (I couldn't stop screaming and crying the pain was so intense) and poor Nate was very concerned as well. (Who wants to see their Mom in so much pain?) but truthfully, I experience these cramps every time I use any muscles at all. One time I was driving home from a show over the dangerous Trans Mountain Rd. and got a cramp in my right foot. I had to get out of the traffic and pull over until it subsided. Setting up the craft tent brought it on as will any overuse (I use this term lightly as any use is liable to set it off.)

So, I managed with Cec's help to get to my quinine pills and take two. These pills have been like a miracle drug for me and this issue. I used to drink dill pickle juice (thanks to friend Robyn) which was more or less affective but the quinine works almost immediately. But in the meantime, I scream and cry and my boys are besides themselves until relief comes and SooZ quits sobbing. I ate some pickles and the juice too before I went to bed!

Today, I am sore but not in terrible pain. I know I need a chiropractor as my head hurts a lot lately and I can feel it in the top of my neck where my head meets my spine. Crunchy! Plus all the dust and molds and stuff has my allergies riled up.

Nate, the arbiter of understatement said, "You worked to hard Mom, you did too much! Take it easy." His biggest fears have to do with his being left alone, of someone he loves and takes care of him dying. No stranger to death or the finality of it is Nate. He wants me and Cec to live forever so his lifestyle and habits remain the same. Understandable in his vulnerable position. But as I tell him frequently, "Its okay Nate, everyone dies but that is not the end, it is just another beginning" which seems to assuage his fears for the moment. But that is a hard concept to grasp and honestly, what do I know? It is only a belief that could be delusional. Won't know until the end and that is for sure... One of the things that I have always told Nate from the time he was diagnosed with leukemia is that no matter what, I would be there for him. I hope I can continue to keep that promise in concrete form.

NOW is not a time for grieving, not for me. It is a time of celebrating. Celebrating the birth of my second son, numero dos and his 34th trip around the sun. Looking back, I remember his birth so clearly (until they knocked me out AFTER this obviously Down Syndrome child was born. I was asking too many questions, I think.) Clearly, there was sympathy in the wake of his birth but Nate has truly been my greatest teacher in my life. He has taught me patience (and I lost it frequently with him), frankness (no matter the consequences and I am still learning the consequences of saying what I think but Nate does say just what he thinks and cares not for the consequences), honesty and a search for my truth. All of this from a tiny child who grew into a man before my eyes. He loves life, loves living and each and every moment that is a good moment is worth living.

Oh, it has been hard, been trying, been tragic frequently and been a testing of my will and determination to keep him functional and alive. We, Cec and I, have spent so many hours not knowing if he would survive the next moment. But the character of who he is and his dry sense of humor, his joy and celebration of the little moments in life certainly make it all worthwhile. I can say that there were moments I wished he would die (that sounds so cruel and heartless from a mother) but to see him in so much pain with all that he had to deal with, death seemed a blessing. But not Nate, no sirree! He has a will and a strength I can only hope to attain in this life I am living. He showed me early on that he was NOT about to give up easily. "Just don't kill me!" he said to a group of doctors, nurses and Cec and I just before one of his surgeries.

Nate is an old soul, a very old soul who is here to teach me and those around him that are willing to learn a lot about how to live your life. He accepts (sometimes grumpily) what happens and moves on. If only I could be as wise.

Tomorrow we are celebrating. Not the kind of celebration that anyone else would enjoy or even look forward to but as Nate told me, "I can't wait!" He has his plans down pat and I will do my darn best to make his wishes come true. Simple needs for Nate and wouldn't it be glorious if all my needs were so simple and such responsibilities I must endure be so easily solved. He has made his request known well ahead of time for he looks forward to this day with enthusiasm and joy. "April 4, MY BIRTHDAY!" with a big grin and a sideways glance. Yes Nate, you made it another year, congratulations my son for that is quite an accomplishment.

There has been no pain so great, so far, that I can't endure. Life is suffering and all must suffer in some way or another. If you love someone and are mentally capable, you will suffer their loss, their pain and their leaving. But life is also joyous, beautiful (there is so much that is beautiful!) and creative. I try my best to be in this moment, I am alive right now and unsure of my future but I am going to go on the very best I can and stop occasionally on this learning path and smell the flowers, admire the trees and stones and tell those I love that I love them and will be there, no matter what.

"I will see you in the sunrise and the sunset," Bob Ellison, my dad told me before his death.

My Osho transformational meditation card for today: Desciplehood -
No situation is without a lesson, no situation at all. All situations are pregnant, but you have to discover; it may not be available on the surface. You have to be watchful, you have to look at all the aspects of the situation. http://www.osho.com/Main.cfm?Area=Magaz ... ge=English

And so, hopefully, I shall...

[the mingo]

[sooZen]

Hey my friend, thank you.

[judih]

just brilliant

(and i'm so sorry for this physical pain you're enduring - but thankfully there's quinine and pickle juice for immediate relief)

happy april 4th b-day to Nate. 34 on the 4th- sounds good to me

[sooZen]

Yes, and thanks Mingo. Quinine has been a wonder! (And I love pickles anyway lol)

Appreciate the reply kind sir.