my father

[creativesoul]

i guess i wanted him to be all the people he was in the movies, the perfect consoling loving guy= that was stable and didnt get married or live with a woman to be ok-i wanted him to take me to buy clothes and show me off to his friends- i was embarassed- he would just get so shit faced- i cried when he said 'i am proud of you' in a bar in pioneer town, i was so busy not liking the way he was- i couldnt hear a word he said- the times when i needed him- he sent me down the road, broke into my houses, rolled my cars,played me againest my aunt and grandmother- he just did not love me- and he did not love himself- he had so many chances to be a stand up guy- and still he sits on some broken glass brain brewing grudges-angry with me because i kept my children away from him- with good reason- he does not remember what he did- to anyone- i have some of that myself- mostly from trying to get away from them-all this stuff has to be dealt with- no movie star antics are going to fix the glass shards in the brain - my dear father- i loved you- even if you never loved yourself- i wish your twin brother never died- or your father, my grandfather- but i love you- wherever you are- no matter what- because that is what i wanted from you- so i will give it to you- because we both need it- aloha

[the mingo]

[Steve Plonk]

Hey, Creative Soul, I believe you've captured what Father's Day is all about...
You appear to have made peace with your Dad...Great cathartic poetic essay...

[creativesoul]

thanks-plenty

[mnaz]

you're right. it has to be dealt with. fit pieces together and release. say what you need to say, to yourself and to others . . . a very honest resolution here . . .

[creativesoul]

tears- never realized how much luggage was on that flight

[still.trucking]

Sad story but she found compassion for her father at long last

Jan met her father for the first time in 1962, when her mother’s efforts to gain child support finally forced Kerouac to take a paternity blood test. (The result was positive.) As a 9-year-old, she nervously accompanied him to the liquor store for a bottle of Harveys Bristol Cream sherry, and saved the cork as a reminder that she did indeed have a father.

The two would meet only once more, in 1966, when she was a pregnant teen-ager en route to Mexico. Kerouac turned away from an episode of the Beverly Hillbillies television show and encouraged his daughter to “use my name … write a book.”

I had a very interesting dream about my father day that week after father's day, I remember feeling a sense of well being when I woke up from it.

thanks for writing creative soul, pls pardon the ramble

[creativesoul]

i am so glad that you had a good dream about your father- i am sort of hoping for one myself! however- i think perhaps in support of those that have had that kind of humilation, and then finally- HUMILITY- perhaps the struggle is a two way street-lessons- there were times when my grandmother would get it in her head that i should' go find my father' i became quite the tracker= found him in slidell la, and strange bars in the high dessert=always with the 'idea' that somehow he would love me- and always= found that he was incapable- i naturally have been attracted to men much like him- with one exception, the father of my children, knew long before i did, that some wounds do not ever heal... yet they do- it just takes time- plenty of that---and for the heart to open and spit out any nasty stuff before i have another dream like love- i will hold small children close to my heart and protect those that understand the real portion of safety=liked your post--