i thought that because he hit such a bottom that he would somehow be rearranged like carl jung had said could happen- took him to ceremonies, introduced him to my friends, showed up at a big wedding a close relation had in los angeles = where the older richer clan with new faces and implants were masquerading as humans, i shared parts of my body and soul-
i tried to ignore the parts of him that seemed broken and disjointed- at times= he seemed like a few different people- the one time he went and visited his past and his children in the foster home where he lost custody for more of the same, the twins and i had been close...he came home a day late with blanket fuzz still i his hair tasting like another woman- but when i opened the door- i saw the spirits around him that terrified me- he had woken up something ugly and never lsitened to what i said about the spirits i saw- i was real tired of being treated like an odd duck, a crazy woman, and i went to a shrink- she put me on all kinds of shit.. for the voices- which mostly put me in a stupor. then sleeping was better than watching him sleep or the looks of disdain and disapproval- his favorite weapon was rejection and leaving me..once i begged him not to- that was the end for me- i warned him.. i told him that i was the kind that 'falls out of love' one day--- that he didnt want to go to court with me, because i win... that if i fell out of love, i would withdraw my energy from him..and that is what really happened- i knew when he went on the weekend trips that he was seeing someone, and finally i found the number in his phone after many weeks of 'knowing' in a way that only that cord can reveal-the very things i was doing is what i had warned other women not to do- being suspicous and jealous and distrusting- i was a trapped rat in a snow storm
i pulled the cord when the woman called back- and well- he said' are you snooping?"
he said' i have speacil needs sexually'
i said ' what is this the big yellow bus for you?"
i just knew that i had to get out and i did-when i felt better when he was gone then ......when he was there was the first indication, and when i closed that door and he took the coat and camera and computer i gave him for the last time- i was relieved. the spirit world had spared me the destruction he had planned for me that other s had suffered, and set me free- i had breathed the last breathe of life into him that i could and it was stifling, he beat me- and with him holding me on the runner in the hallway....... sitting on my hips and holding my hands down .......i used the only weapon i had, my teeth-
in my mind i thought to myself. ....it is a good day to die, i sun danced, i went to school, my children are ok-- i surrender... and he stopped... the powers that be....... had me pretend to be the fine wife i once wanted to be until he was served at work with the restraining order. he looked rather strange when he came home that night and said' i hope that this does not affect my custody case'
perhaps you should have thought of that before you choked me twice, slept with other women and expected me to be your sugar mama? [ithought] maybe - you have made your bed and now you will sleep in it... so hacking my compter and all the crazy shit you do= does not touch me- because when all is said and done- i am free of you
brad and valerie
my friend said 'you shouldnt be alone in that house'
i was good at bad advice. and believing other people-so i moved in brad and valerie- and her two children...the children were rather strange- whining all the time- and she was white like elvira and wore eyeliner to bed- he had a brain injury and could convince himself that valerie loved him, and they were going to have a baby and be the brady bunch- she lived on welfare and they stayed in thier room most of the time and woke up one day a month to spend the check on new video games, and xbox etc
sometimes i took valerie to the food bank- she was really pathetic- but the perfect victim for a man that does not really have any intention of being self supporting, he was really funny too- so his personality made up for his lack of funds- so it goes-
finally i had to call the parents and tell them i had decided to smoke weed - they better come get thier son- they were in AA like twenty years and thought that in spite of having nine children and a really dyfunctional family where no one listens but everyone talks at the same time, and the youngest chases his family members with an axe- were convinces that smoking weed was improper- they came and got brad and valerie an the two children the next day- smoking weed was a good thing then...
in kauai one stop here gets pig meat smoked and a big bag of weed- dont even need to go to the store-no cashier, no bright lights, just the sound of the river and the peacefulness of not having to be around that kind of dysfunction, but the cord, had to be pulled from entertaining all of it- like a hook in the back of my throat- i had to swim away from ideas that maybe this is what i dreamed about- maybe i could love a bad boy and make him nice= bad boys only do one thing- and that is like lice... hard to get rid of, and irritaing as a vice