ok 15 years ago- part 2

[creativesoul]

the wall at jr high was where i thought the 'cool people' hung out- the morning wake up smoke and the cute guys and whatever magnets had me drawn at that incredibly high hormonal level- where puberty set in and the whole day was about looking out the window and dreaming about a future that seemed at least=free of school and parent= romance and sex were on the brain - and the english teacher i had put me to sleep rather often- i couldnt do math to save my life- my math teacher had his ear melted off in viet nam and he kept saying 'excuse me' what did you say?' and all i could see was that melted ear.... i went to class on acid one day which didnt help matters much....
the way i felt about myself was just all about mush and kissing and the secrets of my soul- truthfully- i wanted to be a woman and i still had a child s body- and it was taking far too long- the other girls all had boobs long before i did-i had braces and was flat chested= perverts seemed to be attractd to me on the street--had a few flashers-
so i smoked weed and wrote stories in these lil notebooks about my feelings and how cute certain boys were and how in love with them i was-james wilkening sat next to me in english class- and he somehow started messing with me under my dress-he painted watercolors and he was drop dead handsome to me- but he switched my inner light on and there was no turning it off-i stole the teacher s edition for the class and made big points with him- 'i had all the answers' see.


i was all fire and was going to get some- we went to a garage- near the school and i got some- doors opened inside-- i went home and my mother who was never home started talking to be about birth control and 'why was my dress dirty?" i told her' i would love to go to the gynacologist' like it was having tea- to discuss these things- in those days mothers acted like sex was a secret.
what she knew and did not know was that innocence had just left-

the next day at school the girls were taunting me about being pregnant- and i was a slut over night- also extremely popular= other boys tried to get into my panties - i knew better after the first blabber mouth
so it went- by the time high school rolled around i had a 29 year old boyfriend, he had a car and money- and i had what he wanted- the fear of pregnancy rendered me an expert in the other arts- so that i didnt have to go there-
i know that on that wall by the school i made some life changing decisions- and from that wall i went to the streets- the whorehouses and the art shows -traveling like a gypsy from from one town to another until i found what seemed like love- only to feel like a worn shoe after some years- new orleans to milano-hawaii to oregon- the geography of love etched into my desires like a scent- that i was never sure if i had found it or not- or if it was an air freshner or perfume or after shave= there were moments when i thought i had it- that i was giving all that i had- sharing my soul- and suddenly it died- it fizzles like a soda over ice and if you leave it- no more fizzle- flat- and warm-
finally i go to sobriety like a final frontier and found that the designer of my soul had made some fatal mistakes- i was made for love- and was lost on a sea of delusions- i watched too many movies- marilyn monroe killed herself- but i thought she was who i wanted to be when i grew up- yeah sure...
to the new york modeling career where i was wearing red skin tight pants and dancing on cocaine in studio 54 to married with children to AA and i was so damaged- so lost--- looking for love at an AA meeting they say is 'like looking for a partner in business at bankruptcy court' i found one at the slavation army- i loved to shop in second hand stores-
then i closed up shop- i stopped- after all that- i closed up the unit and havent even shopped for three years-
the other day - i was at a place i like to eat= and i saw this man s face= my mind said 'nice' been awhile- he is a kind man- a total departure from the sadistic lover, the surfer, the midas touch in businessman' he is handsome= he invited me snowshoeing== there is a twist...
to be continued

[zero_hero]

perverts seemed to be attractd to me on the street

I knew that feeling when I was a high school kid walking down Howard St past the Greyhound™ station in Baltimore.

finally i go to sobriety like a final frontier and found that the designer of my soul had made some fatal mistakes-

I used to try and understand Sylvia Plath. For thirty years I carried The Bell Jar around with me like a bible, searching for insights into what was that fatal flaw in her. And at some point it dawned me that I could not learn anything from her death. It was her life's work that learned me.



sometimes prose is poetry for me, Kerouac can do it and so can you
thanks for writing.

[one of those jerks]

a fatal flaw
women can't get zen men can't get pms

lots of songs by guys fantasizing how they could Have saved Marilyn Monroe, I used to think a lot about Sylvia Plath because of how she felt the day the Rosenberg's were executed that queer sultry day, I read everything I could about her, I even read biographies of her biographers
somebody even wrote about the Sylvia Plath effect, her fatal biology.

she had no fatal flaw in her soul,
unless it was she was born a woman
maybe that is why some people thank the creator that they were not made wombmen.

for me the most interesting thing about being born a nonwombman is that women are so interesting, even Jack Kerouac knew that, what with his real gone chicks, but he had a daughter, I call her Iphigenia, how I envied him his daughter.

just a GO cause I like how you write, makes me want to write too.


.—that we are all just modes of one substance, “God or Nature”

[creativesoul]

that has to be the most incredible eloquent response i have ever received- the banging moment- thank you= being real is the stuff- peace-megwich

[dadio]

Like a female version of the Confessions of St Augustine but with more fire, more hot on the tracks. I am a man and somethings (female side of the fence) take your word for. Very good write; depth and honesty; punchy and yet so human.

[creativesoul]

Thank you dadio- really! Truly appreciate your feedback-!