it is 14 degrees outside- i have convinced her to take me to get some pumas so i can work out at that gym she made me take a class at the other day- she likes to show me off to her friends- it would seem that the people at that party all with a bottle of wine looked much like the people i am afraid of- the lights are on but there is no one home.
they ask interesting questions= and they tell me about the job they did - how much money they made and the geologist that was on mt st helens when it was about to blow- and the ladies that seem so sweet- but old- my mother looks pretty among them- they seem much older- the man from cuba is just too funny- he says' i did not like communism'
im drinking coffee out of a cup that i sent her years ago- mom mom mom mom is written all over it-they are so 'in love' and i wonder how i missed that train...
she is in her robe- the southern sunlight comes thru the window and makes the room yellow, maybe even slightly sweet or norman rockwell-the sounds of them in the next room-
the chatter of two that know each other so well-i am the strange daughter that doesnt drink, that talks of things they want to shut out of the magical condo building were they have invented a community of which they feel connected-i have to be quiet about many things- i think it is cute the iphone - and mr- asking it a question- and the iphone answers- 'what is the tempature n portland?" 36 degrees
' what is the red road?' 'A PAN INDIAN SPIRITUALITY' this was my job- somehow= to present that question at just the right moment-
my mother got her wrists slapped by cathloic nuns- for this reason she is convinced that God was a bully- AND that her daughter is into healing and has zero problems with the spirit world= is kind of threatening to a world built around money and love-i guess i am loved- when i paint- when i share that creative thing with her= i know she loves me-why i question LOVE is maybe my birth right- or because love is just so unpredictable- like a wave that will never break- it just keeps on going-
he gets it- he gets it that mother s and daughters have a struggle- he sees it when i back away and retreat into my room- he knows i want zero conflict- that these moments are just part of trying to understand who she is- who i am- and the whole deal- i guess i am lost- i could never be the way she is- i think- and years later i find myself doing exactly what i thought i would never do-how does the spirit world know i needed to come here to gather my soul once again-?
