the other day

[creativesoul]

we were talking about a time in venice california- when i lived at the beach with my young sons- i slept with all the doors on 4 floors open all the time- drank alot of wine and really --
well there was a time when that was fun-i sold ceramics in the front yard-there was clay and a kiln and -

today im all nerves= my life is changing again- like i have some kind of fucking control over that- it starts out 'needing more space'- just feel my spirit getting larger
like alice in the wonderlands-
then it is as if the things i said 'jokingly' start to formulate-
like' if i had my way i would live in a beautiful apartment and roll out of bed and go to the gym'

to be continued
and guess what- it is going to happen...i will have to put my money where my mouth is- try to wear nice things and socialize a lil bit-
make up- eyeliner and nylons
they even have a 'slut walk'
oh i need that
but really- i am moving forward- all the things i thought were important =even last week are -somehow re-arranged like a puzzle
after a great meal.
and maybe
the things are love
are not so hard to find
they were just lost
for awhile
sometimes these things add up to happy and stupid
good combo- less critical
no brady bunch dreams damning up my juice
oh once i swear

there was more to say there-

[creativesoul]

Sitting on a kitchen wooden bar stool -coughing and sputtering the way into the day- I quit smoking tobacco which-! Is the very single most difficult thing I have ever tried a million times to do-
My lungs are on fire!
So now I cannot breathe and it is a low over cast day here in Portland, Oregon.
One of those days where the sky seems to sort of close up and fill the place full of gray and quiet and sleep- very sound sleep- for a bee hive-
This apt complex is public housing - my friend won out a whole bunch of people- a real nice place- she cares for me when I fall apart-
Not even my mother did that.
I was not wanted or touched as a child. I was a sex toy for my mothers men
The perversion became my destruction
Because I liked it.
Then
I had to just " walk away "
Because he was a poor fuck just like me
With a paper clip brain
I was the lucky one because my he is in my hands and in my heart

He had to have a job
Spent time using his back and hands
Didn't use his heart much
He argued with me about
" cultivating compassion and empathy"
I think his mama drpped him on his head
Or that he was summer than a box of rocks
When heated
The glow of wisdom could be seen
By
Now
Since then
I called
I said
"I have a problem" crying
It's ok- we are family
Tears of fear
To joy
I thought I did not deserve love
That the shit I saw on tv was a lie
A bigger lie must be told to the so
To believe it
Really? Are you kidding me- the coffee is Luke warm, wishing I had a Valium and more sleep
I cannot cope
Poverty sucks
Buy a painting
I'm lost again
But now I am found
Love is more than I understood