Tell me about your mother

[stilltrucking]

it could have been worse
she could have had a daughter
jesus h christ sister leave him alone

when mama is a medusa, what is a son to do. Any love is good love Maybe not. Mama’s boy faces bad karma. Run for your life.

[Whitebird Sings]

sweetie...
what am i to make of this?
what do you want me
to understand?

"it could have been worse
she could have had a daughter"

how can that do anything but hurt?

i understand medusa

my mother said to me --
i am not your mother
i have never wanted
to be your mother
i will never be your mother

my mother said --
if i had it to do over
if i could choose
i would only have my son

she had 3 daughters
one son

there is no guarantee
of mother love

she is older now --
she needs me now
and so she tells me
that she loves me
now

but it comes from a place of fear

all this
is hers
is theirs
to own

not ours

today, two young men
my students
came to me

they said,
we honour you
teacher

we will miss you
teacher

they have a love for me

even if the world
turns their back on me...
because i am a female

even if my mother
turns her back on me..
because i am a daughter

karma is ours to make
mothers don't make it for us

my karma is my karma
her karma is her karma
your karma is your karma

you are loveable
even if your mother
is incapable of love

i know this
because i know you by your heart
and
i love you for it

so it is

in appreciation

signed,
just a girl
who would have
given anything
for her mother
to love her

[stilltrucking]

This ought to make it clear as mud.

I don't know what it means, the woman who said it knew her very well. She said she was was happy that she had a boy. I wonered if a daughter would have been more than she could handle. Sons are so easy. My mother my self can be such a bitch. If writing was magic and could change lives. Trying to write a happy ending to a chain of sorrow and anger. The gift of a dysfunctional family, it keeps on giving.

Her guilt over his trashed childhood is not helping at all.

[stilltrucking]

Magic writing
if only
words could heal

bit and pieces from her childhood resurface,
why was she in the hospital,
what happened,
false memories or truth?
How she thought her mother did nothing. But in truth her mother handed her father death sentence, becasue she loved her daughter. Now she needs to ease up on her guilt about her sons childhood trashed in a flood of resentment about men. Trying to bring her out of a fog.
so many pronouns in there
not sure it makes sense
how to write about people you love and change the details enough to protect the innocent.

sorry I posted this... I am getting more and more uncomfortable writing about family.

[Whitebird Sings]

people
in this place write
because they know
that words
are magic

they know
words
can
heal

IF

they
are
delivered
from the heart

AND
IF

the heart of the other receives them

this is what i send to you...
i hope you receive the magic
that is intended for you...

words to let you know
that you are not alone...
words to let you know
others understand...
words to free and heal
your heart...

...to free your heart
from layers of hurt...

...layers of hurt
constructed over years
at a time when you (and me and others) were most vulnerable

it took time to construct the layers
it will take time to let them go
to shed them
to shake them off
to rise up and out

...and it will make us feel vulnerable again
for a time
as we let them go...

but as the load gets lighter
watch us rise and fly high
free to live and love completely...

our hearts wide open!

thank you for risking
writing about family...

in appreciation

shalom

[stilltrucking]

"You got to walk that lonesome valley.
No body can walk it for you"
yeah tho i walk the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evei, coz

strange string for me maybe this was to be a testosterone jam, because I wasn't really thinking about women at all. There is movie called "Blade Runner" a scene where a replicant is being interviewed to see if he is a "replicant" or a human being. When he is told to "Tell me about your mother." he takes out a huge pistol and shots the interviewer. I was thinking about a friend of a friend of a friend of truck driver who shot a guy in Reno. Not sure of the spelling but maybe this is a wahine to hinne kind of a string, because I am glad you all dropped by.

[Whitebird Sings]

(whisper)
do you know what i do sometimes...

i listen
to
my
breath

i listen
to me breathe

funny, isn't it...

i'm not sure why i do it

it makes me feel better
somehow

i sit quietly
and
i listen
for
my
breath

i follow it deep inside
and
out again

in and out
in and out
in and out

i follow it
and
it takes me
to a place of re-connect-ion
with -- me

i learned dis-connect-ion a long long time ago
in a childhood far far away

survival i think
survival i know

do you understand?

if i could --
i'd breathe for you too --
i promise
cross my heart...

on 3
breathe with me --
then
i will breathe you
and you can breathe me
on 3

good to meet me
good to meet you
on 3

(soft smile)

[Whitebird Sings]

testerone jam?

maybe...
but
with estrogen overtones
and undertones
all over tones

lemme see...
lemme review...
she
a daughter
jesus h christ sister
mama is a medusa
and
Mama’s boy
speaks of karma
and
what he faces...
what they faced

hmmm...
what colour is testosterone?

hugs and kisses
doused and dripping
in estrogen
sent by the wahine
on the wings of a dove

[stilltrucking]

turning to the east in the valley of the shadow of death,

Basho walking with me,

I got to take a breather now. Back to the salt mines.
I just come back to edit the last one, but you been here first.

survival i think
survival i know

do you understand?

ten four

[Whitebird Sings]

why is it easier
for some
to speak
of guns and death --

than to speak
about mothers?

or sisters?

or fathers?

or ex-lovers?

or the like?

Come on big boys!!
i dare ya!

[stilltrucking]

I missed the xx to xy hormone post. Yes of course you are write. But I was thinking of male violence. A mother lies on the kitchen floor this is not about men and women, it is about the human use of human beings. I am sure we all got a little squirt of both hormones in us. Some more some less, I think it was a guy from Tralfalmador that said there are at least seven different sexes on planet earth. And it takes at least five of them to create a child.

I was just trying to take a lttle breather from work,

she wakes up hard in the mornings, ever since she was about 8 or 9. He coming in drunk left a ninety nine cent piece of baloney out. She was really pissed about that.

oh yes people here do create, but some will steal your face right

off your head. refugees from litkicks, brooklyn's asylum for the terminally vain

hard to see howa daughter it could be worse, I still wonder what she meant by that.

later

[Whitebird Sings]

what i think i know
about beings that are human is...
they act out of love
or
they act out of fear

even "her"

it's never really about baloney

it's the same reasons
that find him drunk

it's the same reasons
that people will tear
your face off...

or maybe they like yours better

as for a son rather than a daughter --
one very deep and messed up fear

did you know that
a sex-reversed xx-male salmon
produces all xx chromosome offspring?
hmmm...
wouldn't that fuck "her" up!
(a BIG LAUGH from deep inside me)

all of this
the love
and
fear
and
salmon...

it's what i think
i know
about those beings
including those
that are human

i could be wrong

but it sure
makes it easier

shalom from xx to xy

always in appreciation

[stilltrucking]

I suppose it could be called toxic love, it is love but it smothers,
She is ranting about Diamond Lil, how bad she treats Homeboy (her brother) Then she says she talks about him the way I talk about Steve. (her husband) I had to laugh. She smiled. Laughter is good medicine. I just come back to pitch to a pal and saw you was still here

For weeks I been trying to find Herzog, the Bellows novel, I am not too good with narrative, I am terrible. I read somewhere that he talked about Mourning and Melancholia in there. I have a tendency to say, it don't mean nothing a lot. too many years of living inside my head. the line is from a Johnny Cash Song about Vietnam.

fear is not alwaysa bad thing, in certain real world situations it can focus the mind,

neurotic fear can paralyze

thank you
sleep tight
see you on the flip flop

[Whitebird Sings]

good morning
read
what you
wrote
after hours

life as a series of opposites
both necessary
kept in balance
just like
people

woke up
and
opened my eyes wide this morning

then made the decision
to keep my eyes open

it's true

eyes wide open
to see
ears will hear
nose will smell
and will feel all over

the things of this world

all the joy
all the grief

and i will try to keep my balance while doing it

good to sometimes
have a friend close by
when we make these choices

in case we fall
to help us back up

is that you breathing?
on 3

you're welcome
and
thank you
a hundred fold in return

good morning and good day
friend
all-ways

[stilltrucking]

yes good morning friend

not so much the dots for me,

twelve years a college sophmore, a wannabe cultural anthropologist, the dots jus intellectual bullshit, but intellectual bullshit can be pretty interesting, cow shit too, oh well now that I have killed your appetite

it is the ticks and tocs
been panicky a lot time, hurry up and wate
I been out of synch with my clock
now I am living on Tulsa Time
sweet synchronictiy