Why I am so stupid

[myrna minkoff]

I swore that no woman would ever have that power over me again. God dam me, I succeeded beyond my worst nightmare.

[mtmynd]

"Tis better to love and lost than never to have loved at all." - Tennyson

... of course, not everyone believes that, but it is worth a contemplation before one gives a definitive answer.

my brother had your attitude and probably still does. he's a miserable bastard. i know you're not a miserable bastard, tho, truck. but don't become one over past memories. it eats you like a cannibal leaving a shrunken head to remind yourself how small you've become over it.

[SadLuckDame]

I think it's better to love than be loved.
I'd written that once.
What trouble love is though.
Guess it works if you're looking for trouble.

[still.trucking]

I Knew A Woman

[SadLuckDame]

I knew where he'd hide in the darkness.
I could follow his scent like a mild female beast
who'd tip-toe in on her soft feet.
I'd nestle there until his madness turned into me
wildly passionate and needing my poised neck
to give way to the thump thump of a heart beat
that travels up echoing his madness in my quiet way.

[stilltrucking]

pheromones

Women! What can you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius. The hair... They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert...
'The Scent a Woman.'

THE BEAUTIFUL POEM
I go to bed in Los Angeles thinking
about you.

Pissing a few moments ago
I looked down at my penis
affectionately.

Knowing it has been inside
you twice today makes me
feel beautiful.

3 A.M.
January 15, 1967

R.B.

[SadLuckDame]

I'd walk like a duck on Yough mud
chewing rubber fishing worms
pulling things out of the muck
like old hooks and lures.

Getting lost in a mile up my knees
suck, suck

Again I started chewing
and bit a real worm between my teeth.
Yeah, he sort of reminds me of that time
out on the mud
it's the things you chew on.

[SadLuckDame]

"The Peacock Song"
I remember a beautiful Indian girl
sitting embarrassed on a bus in Mexico.

She had no shoes and her feet were naked
like two breasts lying on the dirty floor.

She tried to cover up one foot
by standing on it with the other foot.

Richard Brautigan
and
T.R. first I've read his

The Geranium

When I put her out, once, by the garbage pail,
She looked so limp and bedraggled,
So foolish and trusting, like a sick poodle,
Or a wizened aster in late September,
I brought her back in again
For a new routine--
Vitamins, water, and whatever
Sustenance seemed sensible
At the time: she'd lived
So long on gin, bobbie pins, half-smoked cigars, dead beer,
Her shriveled petals falling
On the faded carpet, the stale
Steak grease stuck to her fuzzy leaves.
(Dried-out, she creaked like a tulip.)

The things she endured!--
The dumb dames shrieking half the night
Or the two of us, alone, both seedy,
Me breathing booze at her,
She leaning out of her pot toward the window.

Near the end, she seemed almost to hear me--
And that was scary--
So when that snuffling cretin of a maid
Threw her, pot and all, into the trash-can,
I said nothing.

But I sacked the presumptuous hag the next week,
I was that lonely.

[myrna minkoff]

I said I was going to post the article about the Youg and the bike trail I have not yet. So much confusion here computer wise. I got two computers and one monitor. I switch back and forth and my bookmarks are out of synch.
___________________

I almost cried with self pity when I watched the Tango scene in 'The Scent Of A Woman.' Liked that movie a lot.

Somebody wrote a book of interviews with people about movies that changed their lives.

That was not a life changer for me but I still liked it a lot.

A life changer in a little way was A Star is Born the remake with Barbara and Kris. The scene where she comes home from a shopping trip with the Navajo blanket. They say the first three or four years of a child's life shapes his personality. I was born before world war two my earliest memories are of what it was like living in family of Jewish refugees during that time. That symbol was such a terror for me. Till I saw the Jewish woman holding it in that movie. She desensitized it for me.

__________________________

Funny what goes through your mind when you think you are going to die.
Thinking of your grandfather in the plane with no engine. And me with my white knuckle death grip on the wheel from blowing a steer axle tire. Hammer down on interstate forty the tire blows and The steering wheel whips out of my hand and t he truck veers into the median head-en into the oncoming traffic and I think "I am dead" and then a scene from an old Rockford files tv show comes into mind, Rocky his dad is driving a truck steering his ass off and I think "I ain't dead yet" and I grab the wheel and start steering my ass off so the truck heads down the median instead of across it.

Oh wheel.

I mean oh well so much for that.
____________________________________________

A poem that changed my life or at least gave me something to think about for many years till I finally understood it, a bit of insight into a woman's life. How a baby can impact her life. I read it during my first year of aimless wandering after silent woman's abortion.
It was a life saver for me. Thank you St Anne of Sexton.

From The Jesus Papers (1972)

Jesus Suckles

Mary, your great
white apples make me glad.
I feel your heart work its
machine and I doze like a fly.
I cough like a bird on its worm.
I'm a jelly-baby and you're my wife.
You're a rock and I the fringy algae.
You're a lily and I'm the bee that gets inside.
I close my eyes and suck you in like a fire.
I grow. I grow. I'm fattening out.
I'm a kid in a rowboat and you're the sea,
the salt, you're every fish of importance.

No. No.
All lies.
I am small
and you hold me.
You give me milk

No. No.
All lies.
I am a truck. I run everything.
I own you.

I forgot what I was dreaming but I just woke up to pee and was thinking about that poem juxtaposed to this bit from the movie Scent of a Woman


Nothing to do with each other I g uess except for breasts, but I like juxtapositions I suppose.

Women! What can you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius. The hair... They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: pussy. Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here.

[the mingo]

You & the movie dialogue are crackin' me up here Jack. I liked that movie too. You're giving me pearls here. Hooooooowweeeee.

[stilltrucking]

The movie is well titled I thought.


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[SadLuckDame]

You gots me watching this Trucker. I saw it once before, but it's been awhile. Don't shrug at me, you know I'm blind.

[stilltrucking]

Crude word for me dame
One I am not comfortable using so I hardly do ever use it
in refering to a vagina

But Oh lordy
I do share his sentiments.

The Tango was the best part of the movie for me.




There is an interesting tango scene in The Bell Jar.

Then there is The Last Tango In Paris

My romance with silent woman was bookended by two movies. Between
The Trip and Last Tango in Paris it flourished.

Glad you were not offended.

[constantine]

interesting read - i must say.

[stilltrucking]

Hard to believe it has only been twenty nine years of solitude
Since my last scent of a woman