Dream

[stilltrucking]

That is why I wear a hat
without a hat to hold me down
I would...

I saw The Incredible World of Horace Ford

I will wake up tomorrow
and still be here I hope

I can promise that much

mad as a hatter

pleasant dreams
door creaks
and I am ten years old listening to the Inner Sanctum on the big floor model radio in the second floor living room of my grandmother's house near the water front in Baltimore.
Foggy night and when I go to bed I can hear the fog horns from the ships coming into port.

life is mysterious and thrilling
tomorrow there will be more to explore discover
to learn to experience
today was painfree
tomorrow will be more fun

[SadLuckDame]

Did you wake up, too...

I'm awake. I guess I'll see what is in today.
It was a little worry on my mind this morning, stuff lingering about what I haven't fixed.
I can't die, if I can avoid it, until I get it fixed.
And really I'm happy to have such life, not at all tired of it yet.

If I were a radio--
I don't know what tunes come out of me if I were a radio, instead of this woman.

I should keep that thought with me today
and it might be what helps me in the spirit,
what I'll put out should be what I want to be put out from my station.
This is sumpin' to look forward on.

Think of me thinking of me thinking I am a radio today
and thinking of you thinking of the big floor radios
and thinking what it is playing out from you
that I'm drawn to so much.

[stilltrucking]

I don't know maybe it could be my good luck that draws you


you being such a unlucky woman


did I say good luck, I must have been a typo. good looks I must have meant
Joe Btfsplk got nothing on me

[SadLuckDame]

I want to find this flick...


I have a head full of puff today.
All my thoughts are going like this..
I'm fascinated by my veins in my hands and up my arms.
I mean it looks so crazy looking.

My son and I laughed through a whole conversation about how if we look down at our knees and legs that they remind us of elephants. Minus the wrinkles yet and I just want to paint a kind elephant face, the eye right on the side of my knee.

How can I be a contributing member to society with such loopiness.
I met a bunch of serious-er peoples today. Oh man. Too much to be around me in this shape.

[stilltrucking]

Back on the gabapentin again, and some other pain pill. Strange dream during my nap today. The details are fuzzy now but I think I was cast out into the outer darkness.

[SadLuckDame]

I just contributed to a sweet creature's anxiety, I believe.
By accident of course, for I was thinking I was gabbing it up as usual with you elsewhere and then this lovely creature says he's her love and all. I feel as such a mischief, ya know. I mean I do look for trouble in my curiosity. These games and off I go to see where they might take me.

Oh bratty brat, keep me out of trouble if by chance you get a chance to.

All the world is a great big water, and there we have it, I think I can do as I please, but I can't let a sweet girl cry. Only the mean nasty women.

ppp

Why the pain killers?

[short timer]

"sweet songs on broken radios
static in the attic
hurry hurry Saigon" john prine cut and paste

first thoughts are long gone
last thoughts abound
in the meantime my MRI scan says London Bridge is falling down
my dearest homeboy tells me it is a matter of my pain thresh hold
Even Freud had his limit.

Jeeps are sweet
as memories of home and mom and her matzos ball soup
mothers and sons
we sons get off so easy
we forget Anna Karina had a life of her own
for some reason I remember the bits about her son in the novel more than any other part.
poignant I have to look that word up
had lives of their own

puffs of fluff
star dust
feathers in the wind
such we are made of

I got nothing left to fix
I got nothing to live for
Do I need something to live for?
Seems like so many problems in the world are created by people desperately seeking for somebody to tell them what their purpose in life is.
Maybe the only purpose in life is to live a life of one's own. Joe Campbell, called it the holy grail of existence.

I feel pretty drunk most of the time on the other pill, and the gabapentin leaves me staring in to the darkness.
I live for sonny and cher
"the heart keeps pumping rhythm to the brain"
all the tiny pieces are glued in life's embrace
my last thoughts will probably be of Easy Rider
"I blew it"
that is the one thought I like to linger on
they say there are no keys to the gates of hell because they are always open
remorse and regret
my worst last thoughts
I don'w worry so much about fixing any
just working on not creating anymore
"poignant grief cannot endure forever"; Princeton Wordnet

[short timer]

artist: John Prine lyrics
title: Saigon
album: Pink Cadillac

You got everything that a girl should grow
I'm so afraid to kiss you I might lose control
You can hold me tighter but turn loose of my gun
It's a sentimental present all the way from Saigon
Honey, Honey, Honey, please call me
You don't need no money we can do it for free
I got a friend in Phoenix with a two-way radio
All the static in my attic getting ready to blow

Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
All the static in my attic getting ready to blow

I was talking to the mailman late last week
He had a letter in his sweater from Stuttering Don
He said things are getting better in Sa, Sa, Sa, Sa, Sa

Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Things are getting better back in Saigon

Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Things are getting better back in Saigon

Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Things are getting better back in Saigon

Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Saigon, Honey, Honey, Honey
Things are getting better back in Saigon

[short timer]

Sam Stone

Sam Stone came home,
To the wife and family
After serving in the conflict overseas.
And the time that he served,
Had shattered all his nerves,
And left a little shrapnel in his knees.
But the morhpine eased the pain,
And the grass grew round his brain,
And gave him all the confidence he lacked,
With a purple heart and a monkey on his back.

There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes,
Jesus Christ died for nothin I suppose.
Little pitchers have big ears,
Don't stop to count the years,
Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios.

Sam Stone's welcome home
Didn't last too long.
He went to work when he'd spent his last dime
And soon he took to stealing
When he got that empty feeling
For a hundred dollar habit without overtime.
And the gold roared through his veins
Like a thousand railroad trains,
And eased his mind in the hours that he chose,
While the kids ran around wearin' other peoples' clothes...

There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes,
Jesus Christ died for nothin I suppose.
Little pitchers have big ears,
Don't stop to count the years,
Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios.

Sam Stone was alone
When he popped his last balloon,
Climbing walls while sitting in a chair.
Well, he played his last request,
While the room smelled just like death,
With an overdose hovering in the air.
But life had lost it's fun,
There was nothing to be done,
But trade his house that he bought on the GI bill,
For a flag-draped casket on a local hero's hill.

There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes,
Jesus Christ died for nothin I suppose.
Little pitchers have big ears,
Don't stop to count the years,
Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios.

[stilltrucking]

on the other hand I believe the gates of heaven are always open too
I may die like Gandhi I hope
in gratitude to my creator for making me a thing called alive.
I don't know for sure How Gandhi died
But I think sainthood is kind of like being grateful for life
and I want to be in that number when they go marching in

[SadLuckDame]

It was not easy to control what songs were singing out a me.

I want you alive, too and kickin'.
I will be pissed if you start dying. Just a heads up, don't start going that way or you'll have a difficult woman to put up with.

[stilltrucking]

Laundry dream last night, dream about doing laundry, sounds like it would be boring but it was a doozie of a dream.

No telling what song comes out me either dame. Trashy trucker talk creeps into it since I been up against you in these perpetual text boxes. Only way to come at a difficult woman. You got to leave her smiling when you go. I can see you now the smiling old crone wearing a dress with an empire waistline.


Doing my best to stick around till you are an old crone/hag with your tits hanging down to your knees Crone or hag? I am thinking about a poem called Tinker Jack and The Tidy Wives

I been feeling pretty good since i saw the orthopedic doctor, I am cutting back on the narcotics, instead of two a day as needed for pain I am down to one at night. My homeboy says that hydrocordoneis a short term treatment. If I keep taking them I will become chronic (emphasis his) from the way he said the word I did not want to go there.

[stilltrucking]

I wish I had wrote "with your boobs to your knees" or better yet "with your breasts to your knees"

A strange thing for a son to see his mother naked on her death bed, her still raven black hair, eyes staring, mouth agape, the dark patch of pubic hair, the age withered breasts.

An eidetic image for me twenty seven years later.

Thinking about amor fati and Ernest Becker again

The mother is the first awesome miracle that haunts the child his whole life, whether he lives within her powerful aura or rebels against it." The Denial of Death. Ernest Becker

He uses the pronoun his, and I wonder is the aura more powerful for a daughter?
Do sons have an easier time dealing with her aura?
"
I remember her scent, as she leaned over my bed to kiss me good night, me in tears because I was sad she was going out that night to play poker with friends. That memory is from over sixty years ago and still vivid. I think I have not yet escaped her aura, but at least I have stopped struggling against it.

[SadLuckDame]

This is gonna get my tears going, Jack.
You're touching everything, not leaving any empty spaces and it's all alive.
I haven't changed too much from my twenty year old self, but I worry at times it's gonna be a body thing to deal with. My Mom is beautiful. My sister's and I laugh and joke that our Mom will look younger than we. I guess due to my embracing just the natural and her embracing the what it takes to keep the face.
I don't want to stray too far from her. Something you've taught me.
You've taught me embraces.

It might be what we've got to work out.
Setting aside because who knows what length of time.

I love you, Jack.
You know that's the truth of it.
And I love mingo and mr. u. I love that damn catfish who caught me up in his whiskers. mine, mine, mine.

[stilltrucking]

I was afraid/worried I had offended you.

Thank you for being a friend

random quote:

Oscar Wilde
"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is
perfectly satisfied."