Playin' For Keeps

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ButterflyKiss
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Joined: February 8th, 2011, 7:03 pm
Location: The Edge, Dangerously Close
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Playin' For Keeps

Post by ButterflyKiss » June 20th, 2011, 9:44 pm

My friend, you’re busy puttin’ up a front, a little show,
things you’re sayin’
you don’t know the kind of games you’re playin

These people pick up revolvers
that’s what they consider to be their problem-solvers.

Aren’t you afraid?
These aren’t like the childish games
you once played.

These people are playin’ for keeps.
The word play, I use loosely,
you’ll see.

When the crew that surrounds you
are sent six feet down.
They’re relocated, but not to another town.
Underground, six feet down.

They’ll be sleepin’
but they won’t be countin’ sheeps.

That’s when you’ll know
these people are playin’ for keeps.

I promise you’ll know
the day a stray round
from that HK takes your friend to the ground.

You’ll never forget the day
you stand before a dirt mound.

You’ll look around
and realize…
You’re one man,
one friend down.
`*.`~ButterflyKiss~`.*`

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dadio
Posts: 4652
Joined: December 10th, 2010, 1:20 pm

Re: Playin' For Keeps

Post by dadio » June 21st, 2011, 8:14 am

Good solid poem.

emel.scott
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Joined: June 1st, 2008, 11:02 pm
Location: on my boat in Canton, Baltimore
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Re: Playin' For Keeps

Post by emel.scott » June 24th, 2011, 7:29 am

I like the tone of this a lot, do have a little problem with the following stanza though,
When the crew that surrounds you
are sent six feet down.
They’re relocated, but not to another town.
Underground, six feet down.
I don't think repeating "six feet down" helps much as it's not that difficult to understand and sounds like you think you're not understood. Maybe a rewrite of L2 would help. Something like:

"When the crew that surrounds you
cannot be found.
They’re relocated, but not to another town.
Underground, six feet down."

Just a thought
We should not mind if on our ear there fell. Some less of cunning, more of oracle...Thoreau

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Arcadia
Posts: 7964
Joined: August 22nd, 2004, 6:20 pm
Location: Rosario

Re: Playin' For Keeps

Post by Arcadia » June 24th, 2011, 5:58 pm

yeah, it reminded me my grandmother´s voice talking alone while doing her chores... the idioma it´s different but the ritmo it´s similar... I enjoyed reading it I´d love to listen to you saying or singing this, gracias for sharing it!!!! :D

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