Newspaper Headlines from the Year 2029

[mtmynd]

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Newspaper Headlines from the Year 2029:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing
millions in the seventh largest country in the world,
Mexifornia, formally known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern
United States' crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual
marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in
the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly
known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it
will take at least 10 more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being
taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; cuban cigars
can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President
in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class
stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to
Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise
are the keys to Weight Loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with
such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a
woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals
violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet,
seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers
must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly
illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing
to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting
machines.