megafitness.net
Let Them Live on Fat
for release 03-24-06
Washington D.C.
The price of gasoline is pushing three dollars per gallon. We drive our fat SUVs to take our fat bodies to the gym to waste more energy on what? Exercise machines.
Leave it to Americans to devise machines that waste energy. We have treadmills and bicycles that don't move and rowing machines that don't float and ab crunchers and slim-flex motorized energy wasters that we pay money to use.
And we wonder why we have an energy crisis. There is no energy crisis. This is the Universe, friends, it's made of energy. What we have is an ingenuity crisis.
Think of all the ergs that are wasted every day in Bally's and Gold's gyms. You know, those places that we laughingly call 'health clubs' where you go and strap yourself to some machine that does nothing but burn your calories accomplishing no useful work but to provide customers for doctors specializing in athletic injuries.
Every time you step onto one of these expensive machines you are wasting energy, energy that could be used for some creative purpose other than burning the fat that you accumulated last night eating Hagen Daas in front of the television. Our learning curve is defined by the impression that our fat asses make in the cushy seats of our Hummers. We just don't seem to get it.
It's a disgrace, I know, but this might be the key to our salvation. This could be the resource that ends our dependence on foreign oil. Fat. Good old American french-fry fat.
The key is the exercise machines. We harness the power of the hard-working, overweight but patriotic American. Everywhere there is a treadmill, there is an oil well. We hook micro-generators up to every ab-cruncher and stationary bike in the land and feed it into the power grid. Every stair-stepper and treadmill can be a small Grande Coolie Dam. You walk five miles on the treadmill and bank enough energy to microwave your dinner that night and run your television long enough to watch Desperate Housewives.
Forget the North Slope of Alaska. Let's recognize Big Macs for the natural resource that they are. The more we Super-Size, the more fat we can burn off on the old power-flex and bring down the cost of electricity at the same time.
And keystrokes, we could harness those. One tenth of a watt for every click of your mouse. Every blink of an eye could generate energy instead of wasting it. I think we're on to something here.
Just think of it! Every Mickey D's, every Burger King and Wendy's is an energy source that can get us out of hock to the oil sheiks. Every Bally's or Gold's Gym is a potential nuclear power plant. We could get in shape and solve our energy problems and eat all the burgers and fries that we want. It's a win, win, win situation.
If Willie Nelson can run his tour bus on french-fry grease and corn liquor, this nation shouldn't be selling off it's assets to some Arab pawn shop to get it's daily fix of twenty-eight million barrels of imported oil.
And how about Storm Surge Generators? We could build them right on the levees and beaches and when massive hurricanes like Katrina roll through we could tap that huge free energy source. Until we turn global warming around we'll have nothing but bigger and more frequent hurricanes. The Poet's Eye spots a resource.
Death to every aristocrat
Out with the priests
Let them live on their FAT!
--Peter Weiss, from Marat/Sade
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