Dave Barry's view of Hurricane season in the Sunshine State

[judih]

Life in the Sunshine State

You all should be very much aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course:

We have entered the peak of the hurricane season. Right now, you can to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob down in the Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.


Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1:

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2:

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3:

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your
house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You
can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting
relatives, etc...

You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise,
the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.

Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with 200,000 other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the
supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your
television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay
way from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise!

[Lightning Rod]

Dave Barry is part of my homework

when my sense of humor reaches puberty I'll be able to write like that

[judih]

yeah

dave barry
mark morford

we're working up serious daily homework
(terence mckenna on weekends)

[Lightning Rod]

my real mentors are:

Molly Ivins (my texas home-girl)
Arianna Huffington
I even study Bill Buckley
and Pat Buchanan

sometimes I even bite my tongue and read Ann Colter

I swoon for Maureen Dowd

[preston]

Nebraska's a good choice.
Landlocked ... beautiful scenery ... friendly people ... culturally diverse ... a rich and coloful history ...
But it spans 2 time zones, which can be a problem for those of us who've opted not to wear a timepiece.
It only has 2 area codes though ... so you save on long distance charges.

It also houses the majority of our nuclear strike force.
Which could be a good thing or a bad thing ... depending on your priorities.
Myself ... if they ever decide to push the button, I wanna be right there on the front lines.
So Nebraska would be a good choice.

If you're planning on staying till Halloween, make sure and bring some warm clothes.

You might also consider Iowa.

[Zlatko Waterman]

A rock 'n roll band, featuring Dave Barry, Stephen King and Amy Tan as performers.

See 1998 year under Warren Zevon's link:

http://www.artemisrecords.com/zevon_bio.aspx?abbr=zevon



--Z ( now I DO like people whose names start with "Z")

[Lightning Rod]

Z-

I was listening to Steven King's memoir on writing that he did during his convelescence from his accident.

He was talking about his band. He said something to the effect of "I love hanging out with this band of writers because nobody is gonna ask 'where do all your ideas come from?', because we all know that we don't know."

I wanna play in that band.